Starlight, Starbright...

"For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream." Vincent Van Gogh

Note To My Pregnant Self...

DO NOT PUT MALLOWS ON THE BROWNIES!!! You will eat half the pan before Aaron gets home, and will most likely end up birthing a 13 pound baby after gaining 50 extra pounds... (Thank heavens I didn't do that all in one day! Then I'd really be a fatty! Lol!)

Buddha Is Not My Name...

Holy mother of pearl... I am exhausted. And ready for bedtime. And wanting to get out of these pants... but I am sitting on my parents couch eating pie. Why? Because I don't want to sit in my cold, empty, apartment. So -- I will continue to eat my pie, and crave the wonder that is a quiet living space that I could be sitting in... but won't because I am pregnant and no longer logical. Stupid things make me cry. Even more stupid things make me annoyed. And the most peculiar things now make me break out in hives. Oh... and my allergy to anti-bacterial soap is now greater than it used to be. Yup, pretty sure I wanted to die about half an hour ago... I want to go home.


I've also learned that once you become "obviously pregnant" your body is no longer your own. Your belly becomes public property. I've informed my dad I would like a toll box for Christmas. I figure if Buddha gets a penny whenever you rub his belly, I can too! Except I am raising my prices. I've decided it's $0.25 for a belly rub, $1.00 for each gooey phrase, and $5.00 for every bit of stupid advice I get from women who mean well... but really should keep it to themselves... Example: I was walking around Walmart the other day looking for those delicious chocolate oranges. You know, the ones you have to whack against something hard so you can break apart the orange slices... As I wandering around I stopped at the baby section, naturally, when an older woman stops me with a huge smile on her face -- 


Her: "Oh! Are you expecting!?"
Me: "Yes, I am!" (Thought bubble: No, I'm just oddly shaped and don't appreciate your pointing it out...)
Her: "How are along are you? Isn't pregnancy just a miracle!"
Me: "I am 18 weeks. It's a girl, and it is quite the experience!" (Miracle, yes. At least you didn't say magical like the last lady...)
Her: "Oh girls are so much fun! Pink everywhere! Are you showing stretch marks? I know just the thing to cure them! Take crisco, and rub it along the outer edges of your belly. Especially along the lower half of the uterous, and your hips. Someone as small as you are bound to get stretch marks! You'll never be able to wear a bikini again!"
Me: "Thank you for the suggestion! So far no stretch marks, but I'll be sure to store that away in my memory! My husband is waiting for me over in electronics, so I'd better hurry over there!" (PINK!? Woman you obviously don't know me... My kid will NOT have pink everywhere. A bit, yes. But she will have many other colors in her repertoire. As far as crisco goes, madame that is worse than the butter suggestion from the last lady! Stretch marks will happen, or they won't happen. It's in your genetics. The only thing you can do that might help increase the elasticity of your skin is drink plenty of water, and add vitamin E into your regular dietary pill intake. GAH, I really need a toll box.)
Her: "Oh of course, I know how men are! I'm just happy I could help out a new mother! Pregnancy is such a magical experience! Enjoy it while you can! Your third trimester will knock you out! But it is worth it in the end!"
Me: "Haha! So I've heard! Thank you!" (Magical... really!? Magical? No, try invasive, uncomfortable, slightly gross, and quite alien... Miracle, yes. The fact that we have been designed to reproduce. Yes I find that to be quite fascinating... but magical? Why is everyone using that term!? And thank you for those heartwarming thoughts about the rest of this experience. Such a "magical" ending!) 


It isn't that I don't enjoy being pregnant. It has been quite the experience! I just like my personal space. I have a bubble, and I don't enjoy many people invading it. If you are a close friend, and you rub my belly that is one thing. But a total stranger... No. Not kosher! Also, some advice I do appreciate. Such as how to deal with some of the aches and pains, and foods that help with different things such as nausea or what gets rid of the nasty taste of prenatals the best, or where to find the cheapest maternity clothes that are still cute. These random wives tale remedies are a bunch of nonsense, and really get annoying fast! 


As for right now, I think I'll head home and take a nap. Aaron should be home now.

Baby Girl D...

If you don't already know... Aaron and I are having a girl. The due date has changed to 23 April, 2011... and that is the date we are sticking to because it is earlier than 5 May, and I am just excited to see my baby girl -- so why not right!? At our ultrasound last week we learned our baby has healthy heart (MAJOR relief right there!!! I have an arrhythmia so baby's heart was a big worry!) , is at a healthy size (average size of 8oz.), has big eyes (no surprise there, I've always had big eyes. My dad always said when I was a baby I was just a pair of blue eyes. Haha!), oh and a drama queen already! This little girl is stubborn like her dad (and mom, if I'm honest...) and LOVES her space! If anything take away her moving space, or invades her little bubble she will beat at it, and wiggle her little self around like a pinball. The ultrasound tech kept repeating what a stubborn drama queen you have! Baby was not happy at having the US wand prodding, and poking at her! She kept waving her arms around, and trying to move away. It was funny! Thankfully we were still able to get a read on her gender. I will admit, I wanted a boy first so that my little girl would have a big brother to protect her at school, and when mom and dad couldn't be by her side... but she has a very protective father, and grandma D that already have her back! Besides, I know how tough girls can be! We have a name picked out, but I am one of those mom's that has to see the baby before I pin a set name on her. I want to make sure it fits! A name is an important thing you know! You have to live with it all your life, and in a way, it sort of defines you. There is an update on Baby Girl Durrant...

(Aaron and I after telling Eva that the baby was a girl!)

As for the rest of life, Aaron and I are doing well! Not even a drop of morning sickness for me, just constant exhaustion. Which, I can handle! Aaron and I are still house hunting, and job searching. Aaron loves what he does, but the company he works for is a little frustrating at times! Especially as we are trying to find a way to get Sundays off for Aaron. I would love it if we were able to spend our Sabbath Day together again! Not to mention, as we are looking at houses in Grantsville/Tooele area it would be nice if he didn't work in Salt Lake! I learned pretty quick no one wants to hire a pregnant lady. Nevertheless, I have continued to press on and continue the job search! I want us out of debt asap! I hate having small things over our head like credit card balances, and overdraft payments, and school loans. They are wonderful things, and very handy... but I would like to have them paid off and taken care of! Not to mention these small monthly payments are driving me nuts! If we just had our car loans, car insurance, rent each month, with a credit card payment when we used the card that would be one thing... but live goes on. I should be grateful that we are able to make ends meet, and still go out and have fun with the money we do make, and I am! I just like the idea of being as debt free as possible before the baby comes, so that when we have the medical bills from that, and the new living costs of diapers, wipes, etc -- It isn't a huge adjustment.

Just an FYI -- Houses in Tooele are freaking cheap! We found a 6 bedrooom, 4 1/2 bath, attached and detached garage on 2 acres of land for 90,000. It's even a nice house! We are also looking at a few others in Tooele. All of them have at least 1 acre of land, and are under 150,000. Grantsville has some killer deals too! Jasa found one for 150,00 that had new tile, and cabinets, was a 5 bedroom, on a fair bit of land! (She and Zane have opted to not buy a house right now as they are looking into a 3 year mission in Central Asia. I hope when she and Zane return back to Utah that they move out to our area!)

Basket Case...

Pregnancy is pretty hard on a woman's body, and their emotions, and their mental state. It tugs at insecurities, and makes you face them. At least it is for me. It exhausts, leaves breathless, and moody. My poor husband has been so neglected these past few months. I know it is wearing on him, but he is so patient with me. He simply picks up the slack, and never complains. Because I am a selfish person, it makes me feel guilty, on top of fat, and useless. So I shy away from him, and get rather introverted. Becoming a human incubator has been one of the hardest things I've ever done so far in my life. I haven't had extra weight since I was in diapers. Now I am supposed to gain roughly 25-35lbs in 40 week!? My shirts are beginning to stretch across my ever growing belly, my favorite skirts don't zip up all the way, my hair and nails are growing like wildfire and it's hard for me to keep up the maintenance. Luckily my pants all fit, it seems I carry higher than some women, so I may escape the whole elastic band pants. Thank heavens for low rise jeans!!! So far the hardest part for me is trying to accept that it's okay that I can't see my belt buckle when I look down. Most, if not all of it, is baby weight. I keep getting told I need to eat more, I need to gain more weight. I have a high metabolism, and it's a carb metabolism. My body eats carbs like candy, and spits them out. Extra weight doesn't stick very well. And somehow my belly just keeps growing and it's messing with my psych. I have never been overweight. I have never weighed more than 122.1 lbs in my life. It was a miracle I reached 122.1 Most of that was/is muscle. Suddenly I am almost 130lbs, and I still have to gain at least 2 more pounds. I have never had depression. I've never had to fight it. Until now. I look in the mirror, and I know there is a baby developing and growing, I know I am just going to get bigger, I know it is a beautiful and wonderful thing... but all I see is my shirt getting tighter around my middle. I am exhausted, all the time. My insides hurt constantly, with the moving around of organs, and the baby pushing against my appendix, and still feeling like I should get up and do something so Aaron doesn't have to do all the work. Feeling guilty for making him the sole means of money in our home. We aren't struggling for money. We makes ends meet, and are still able to do things like hunting trips, and going to dinner. But I know that if I got a job, Aaron wouldn't be as stressed about bills, and baby costs, and getting a house. Plus it would give me something else to do during the day. Something else to focus on. I worry about getting a job though because my home is already so neglected. I don't have the energy to keep up with everything, and be the neat freak I used to be. I don't have the energy to clean, and cook full meals, and organize, and help my daddy at his store, and run the errands we have. I can't stand up for more than maybe 15 minutes at a time without searing pain making me gasp and double over, or my entire abdomen getting heavy, and making me light headed. Aaron has been so neglected, and I desperately want to do something for him to show him that I love and appreciate him... especially as his 25th birthday is coming up next week. But there is only so much I can do with my limited energy resources, and a 25lbs lifting weight limit. I honestly feel worthless, and useless, and fat right now.

 I'm sorry for my rambling, and rather basket case venting, but I needed to unload it somewhere other than my already overwhelmed husband. I guess the cyber world is as good a place as any. ;-)

 But this pregnancy can't be just about me. It's new and scary for Aaron too. Baby D needs attention and care as well.

So I just need to get over it, and move on. That is all there is to it.

Expect the Unexpected... Due Date: May 5, 2012

The rumours are true. Aaron and I are expecting. Neither of us anticipated getting pregnant this early on, as we were told it would be a struggle for me to conceive with ovarian cysts. But here we are! 17 weeks (tomorrow) and Due May 5, 2012... though with each person we talk to, the date changes. So sometime in late April, early May! Haha! We are prepared for a hard pregnancy. We have had a few issues lately... I find myself in a fair bit of pain when I stand for an extended period of time. (Though by some grace of God the cysts have all disappeared! I can't tell you the relief that brought!)We have an appointment with our OB on Thursday, and we hope to learn more from him than we did at the hospital last Tuesday. Maybe even find a way to relieve some of this pain! My personal goal is to not be put on bed rest in my third trimester! I've been trying to find some seasonal work so I can build up a savings and meet our goal of being debt free (With the exception of our car loans...) at least by the time the baby comes. Though, I want it cleared away by my birthday, or before, if possible! This goal will only be met if I can stay healthy, and maintain the ability to move around. Ie: No bed rest demands from our Ob! But! If any of my readers have elastic band skirts, or dresses they no longer wear (Size, doesn't matter. I can take anything in, and adjust sizes.) or know of a place to buy them cheap I would greatly appreciate any help in that area! All of my skirts are zip-up, and baby D doesn't appreciate being smashed, or having part of it's moving room taken away. This baby LOVES moving room. (I'm one of those lucky women who started feeling baby move around 15 weeks because I didn't have enough fat. So now everything is extra squished.) As for now, we are simply taking everything day by day!

This Is My Winter Song To You

Winter Song - Sara Bareilles, Ingrid Michaelson

Seeing as I live in Utah, it has become a known fact that it WILL snow on Halloween... But with the welcome of changing leaves, and the impeding doom that is snow, comes pea coats! I will admit it. I am a collector! I have been in search of the perfect pea coat in Red. ( Not to mention one in White, and I also need one in Army Green... and maybe one in a dark royal blue.)

BUT!

 I am happy to announce, I have found my red one! It even has the hood I wanted!

You'll have to excuse my erm... sub-par picture. I was a little bit excited when I saw it! I had to take a picture immediately so I could show Aaron. I haven't been able to go back to get a solid picture because I know I will buy it the next time I see it. However, when I do - There will be documentation, complete with a happy dance in the middle of target. (Which, yes, Aaron will video. Why? Because that is what he does. He captures my ridiculousness.)

Excuse Me While I Complain.

You know, there are days when I really hate being hyppglycemic. Days like today... when I have so many other things on my mind that I forget to stop for food and my Tummy contracts making me gag. Yes. My hypoglycemia has gotten to the point where I vomit if I don't eat. Awesome. (I've been told it's because of the anemia gene that runs on my dad's side of the family, but who knows.) Best part? We have a very long drive ahead of us. So I am going to have to make my sweet husband and my brother-in-law stop at a gas station so I can at least grab something to eat... or I am going to go into super Bitch mode and be ridiculously ornery. Poor boys...!

Coolest Worst Neighbors

(Same house, different year and song)




(Same house, better song)

Simple Is As Simple Does

I personally have picked up the philosophy of 'Live and let live.' I am an honest person, and I live my life so I don't have anything to hide -- or at least I try to. I wasn't always this way. There was a time I didn't feel anyone had any business knowing the intimate details of my life. I was suspicious of anyone, and everyone who tried to contact me. I had a lot of secrets, and I was good at keeping them. Secrets make a person tired. I decided to confide in an intimate few, and learned the beauty of release. I stopped hiding.

I have since then found that when you live with nothing to hide, you are free to be exactly who you want to be, who you are meant to be. You have the ability to truly be happy, and surround yourself with good people.

Yesterday when I received a friend request that was a little out of the ordinary and a bit to coincidental, I became suspicious. I wanted to know why, and who was actually behind it. After spending years being a suspicious person, I know I don't like feeling that way. So I took a step back, and decided it didn't matter. I have my suspicions, but I also have nothing to hide. In the end I opted to go a more diplomatic route as the friend request is tied to someone from my past. And, because I am beyond tired of fighting with this someone, I figured it would be better to be safe, and avoid un-necessary drama. 

(All your dramatics are driving me 'batty')

Somebody Said A Prayer

Aaron explained to me the reason why women cry at death, or painful scenes in a movie. He said it was because we have a better understanding of the balance between life and death. That women reside more closely to the veil, which gives us the ability to have a better understanding, and feel for empathy. With that new perspective, I can say without shame... that this song -- with the beautiful lyrics -- has the ability to move me to tears.

Flash Me Back

I realized last night I was sort of torturing myself by watching shows like House, and Grey's Anatomy. There are still things from my hospital experience that haunt my dreams. I woke up crying last night after I re-lived suffocating. I know what caused it. I watched a tracheotomy in both shows. Suffocation is my worst fear. I've experienced it too many times to not be terrified of it. When you have a trache, it doesn't necessarily stop the suffocation. When the trache becomes blocked they do what they call suction. It hurts like Hell. They place a small suction tube down the trache, into the lungs to suction out whatever it is blocking the airway. What happens is they suction, and it immediately removes all of the air from your lungs, and you have to cough to try and inflate your lungs again while they make it impossible. I dreaded suction, but there were times when it was the only way I was going to be able to get air to my lungs again. It almost wasn't worth the pain, and fear, and the struggle. The hardest part was watching the people in my room have to watch my entire chest cave in, and the tears stream down my face while I fought for air. But I had to try. I always wake up crying, after awakening myself by screaming in my head to breathe because I was still needed here. There are times when I feel a little down on myself because I am still trying to move past these nightmares, flashbacks, whatever you want to call them. It has been just over 3 years, and I still struggle to accept everything that was experienced. Not just by me, but by everyone around me as well. Aaron constantly reminds me that in time, and with a little patience and faith, it will get easier.

Since I have been married the nightmares have become less of a threat, and have even slowed down. I wake up and I see Aaron's face. I no longer have to sit and breath slowly for however long and tell myself that it is over. That I had amazing doctors, and nurses that saved my life more than once in those four weeks. Now all I have to do is reach over and lay my hand on Aaron's chest, and I am able to relax, lay down, and go back to sleep. His slow even breathing, and steady heartbeat never fails to calm me. To know that when, and/or if anything happens he will be right next to me holding my hand telling me everything will be alright.

God blessed me with a wonderful, loving, man who has a golden heart and the uncanny ability to be exactly what I need in every way. And I could not be more grateful for him!

Autumn Kissed

All day, all I have wanted is to go on a drive up an Autumn kissed canyon. To park. To walk around the fire trees, and drink in the beautiful color that encompasses me -- while I breathe in the cool air and feel invigorated once again.

Autumn...
The season of the artist.

My favorite season.
How I wish it stayed just a bit longer,
But then,
We probably wouldn't appreciate it as much. . .

Such is the way we are.
Frivolous.
Always wanting what we can't have...

So, we wait. . .

Wait. . .

and Wait. . .

For that one magic day in September when the first leaf begins the change...
And the color slowly moves in...
Starting in the mountains, and cascading down to the valleys...

Oh, to be a part of the movement...


The song of choice for this color adventure of mine? It could only be...
Pink Martini - Hang On Little Tomato


Paired With...
Sweet Pea - Amos Lee




And...
Pink Martini - Song Of The Black Swan

Mopar girl meets Ford Focus

I never thought I would ever say I enjoy a Ford. Me, the Mopar [Chrystler, Jeep, Dodge] girl driving around a white 2006 Ford Focus ZX4 SE. Yes, that is right. I now own a Ford Focus. Aaron got it for me. I hate my Chevy, and Aaron hates trying to fix my Chevy... so he got me a Ford.

Isn't it cute?

Do not let your fire go out. Spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-at. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours. -Ayn Rand

Fear. We all know the emotion. We have all felt the effects that fear can have. It is debilitating. It will keep you from maintaining the dreams you have painted on the walls of your bedroom. It will still your creative hand, and tear away the confidence you worked years to muster. The camera shutter stops clicking, the paint brushes lie still, the words remain unsaid... Fear will rip from you the very purpose for which you were brought here. The what-ifs, the will they like it's, and is it good enough. Sometimes, all it takes is putting a face on what you fear. When you can see what you are afraid of, it makes it easier to taking that and move forward to defeat it. To beat it. To push it into the depths of your past. You cannot move forward when weighed down, so release the baggage. Let go of the fear, and the doubts.

  Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumph, even though checkered by failure. . . than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much, nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. -Theodore Roosevelt


When we learn to love our self, and live as our self, we find happiness. Disappointments and life's little surprises simply roll off your back. Optimism comes more natural to your lips. The sky stays blue, flowers stay in constant bloom, and you begin to feel like Mary Poppins... Ah hahaha! Maybe not quite so Disney, but it is easier to endure through the hard times, and appreciate the good days. 


To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing it's best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting. -E. E. Cummings

Computer At Last!

I cannot express to you the joy I received when Aaron announced that our computer was not only up and running, but we had INTERNET!!!! I literally squealed and did a happy dance in our living room! I began listing things I wouldn't have to try and do through my tiny screen anymore: * No more trying to blog - Oh my lordy, trying to type a blog post using a mini screen that constantly moves, so you have no idea what you are typing, and can't check to make sure you aren't missing words or creating new words... oober frustrating! * Trying to type up our paragraph for the Durrant Family Newsletter... took Aaron and I two hours. Emails are a royal pain in the arse! * Facebook. There is only so much you can do with the Facebook mobile app. Now don't get me wrong, I have been super grateful for the ability to still use the internet and such. That phone is very handy, and I love it! (Although I still have no idea how I manage to take screen captures all the time... or open certain applications that I didn't know I had, or what their purpose is...) It is just so much easier to see what you are typing, with access to spell check, and have the ability to function a website fully. Though, two days later... tragedy struck. Our computer crashed. So, yesterday we took our hard drive back to Best Buy and got a new one. (Thank goodness for warranty!) Last night, my dear husband re-installed everything! Thus, the glory of being able to type this odd little post via wireless keyboard, a full 19" screen, and quest wireless internet! Happy day! P.S. I am finally able to finish setting up the not-so-unique family blog for Aaron and I. I will post the link once it is done!

God Appreciates Your Miracle!

Is it just me, or does everyone seem pregnant these days? Every time Aaron and I go to the store I swear 1 in 5 women is hugely pregnant! Not to mention Facebook has been over-run by belly and ultra sound picures. Oh, and don't forget the baby progress app that seems to be on Facebook walls, blogs, phones, and calendars. My word! No wonder so many of my friends have suddenly become baby hungry! I suppose that can also be attributed to the fact that a lot of friends also have newborns-toddlers to show off. Perhaps it is just the age I am at. Facebook makes me feel old sometimes.

Holy Goodness!

As I was fiddling about on my blog I happened upon my page views. I was astonished at the number of views! 7022. That was simply jaw dropping for me! I never would have dreamed my little spot in cyberland would be seen by more than 5 people, and maybe one view for each blog. I write for me. I know me well enough to know I am far too blunt for some, if not most. I think my favorite and more amusing viewer update was learning, my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend seems to read my blog. (Hello Jillian, I hope all is well!) I wonder why that is. aha! Anyway... I have been contemplating the wonder that is being wealthy, and being able to retire early. Saying good-bye to Aaron 4 out of 7 mornings each week is getting rather depressing. Especially since my car is still dead and parked at the shop. So I get to play at the apartment most days. It is nice knowing Aaron works the same schedule every week. We have every weekend together. We are able get out and play with family and friends, or just hang out together doing our own thing. It has all bee. Very nice! I think my favorite outings have been the fishing trips and the drive-in movies! P.S. It is a Red Tree year, so be prepared to go to Temple Square with me at least five times this year. I will suggest it every weekend starting December 1st. :-)

Just Call Me Sadie

Can you name the movie my title came from?

Well, I figured while I get the A-Typical married blog all set up I will update my blog on the wedding. In short, it was a royal pain in the ass!! 5 days before the wedding my car died. (It is still parked at Prime, next to my motorcycle.) 2 days before the wedding my mom bailed out, Saying I was a selfish Bitch and my wedding wasn't all about me. Also that Eva was frustrated with me, and I shouldn't be so demanding. All I said was I didn't want a penis cake at my bachelorette party... oh, and Aaron and I had ordered an ice cream cake because we don't particularly enjoy cake. (All that drama over cake. Ridiculous. But, She was right about one thing, my wedding wasn't all about me because it wasn't just my wedding. It was Aaron's too. So we made decisions together. Heaven forbid.) Anyway... after my mom bailed out of the wedding I called Eva to make sure things were okay with her. She was fine, and didn't care if Aaron and I had an ice cream cake because it was our wedding. She also let me know if she had been frustrated she would have told me. So, with that settled, I went to my dad and talked with him. He said he would make sure my mom didn't cancel the food order from Costco, and he would help pick it up. The day before the wedding I had my Maid Of Honor-Johanna with me, and Tasha Kay. They came along g for the dress fitting and hung out with Aaron and I for the rest of the day! That night we joined Brooke, Sunnie, and Jennifer back at the apartment for a small get together while Aaron put our table together in the kitchen. We had Jenn and Jo sleep over in the living room so I would have help in the morning. Well, the morning arrived and as I was in the shower, Aaron explained to my girls I had to eat during the day or I would be cranky. I was already cranky. We had found out at 1am that night my mother had bought a shirt for the wedding, was coming and wanted Jo and I to come over for breakfast. We opted to not. We had too much to do. Well, with all that lovely stress, I lost it. I started having heart pains during the night, but brushed them off. Bad idea. While I was in the shower my  heart gave a wicked twist, skipped a few beats, and I just started sobbing. I shut off the water, got a towel and walked right out to Aaron. Who at first didn't quite know how to react with me in a towel... but, he recovered and just pulled me into a hug, and calmed me down.  He left to finish a few last minute details like picking up and setting up tables and chairs. I pulled myself together and got ready for the day. Jenn drove me to Sunnie who helped me with my hair. However... at Redwood intersection of 4100so. and Redwood Rd there was an accident. A white mini van driven by an illegal immigrant with no insurance had hit a cop on a motorcycle. She hit him so hard it totaled the van, knocked the cop out of his boots, shot him 60ft in the air and 20ft out. You could still hear him screaming in the gutter when I got to the salon. Needless to say, traffic was a nightmare. It got even better when I learned Aaron had come back to the apartment while I was with Sunnie, Jo had left the apartment, and it was now locked. My keys were inside. I had to call Aaron, and wait for him to unlock the door so Jo and I could get my dress put together. Anyway... we were running late. Classic right? Late to your own wedding... but we were late for helping set up... Until we realized there was traffic all the way down 9th east. We spent 45 minutes trying to get from 4500 so to 6200so... doesn't normally take that long. Hahaha! In the end it went alright. We lined up and attempted to walk without laughing too hard. Miranda and Emma had started the walk, but rather than follow the words of everyone and walk to my mom at the front, they sort of wandered. Ryan cracked a joke, and we all started to snicker. It was so fitting. The rest of the evening proceeded to be unpredictable, and quite memorable. Though we still have yet to get our wedding pictures back... we had two photographers. Both talented men, and we are infinitely grateful for offering your services! My daddy teared up as he explained the choice for the song we danced to. My dad wrote the song. It was a song I used to fall asleep to as a child. I would stay up as long as my eyes would let me and listen to him write this song. The older I get, the more I understand the song, 'The Road' which you can actually get on itunes. (The road - The M-AK) It was just a fun evening! Aaron and I left a bit early. We were both exhausted, and just ready to leave. We ran through a a bridge of sparklers to a very decorated truck, and parted ways with our guests. At the apartment we received another surprise. Jenn had made a path of rose petals and candles that led from our front door to our bed. I literally laughed, right out loud. I couldn't help it. It was just too picturesque, and I was so flattered at her attempt to make at least one thing about us. Aaron carried me across the thresh-hold in true Aaron/gentlemanly style. Together we blew out the candles, cleaned up the petals and changed our clothes. We had friends coming over. We spent the rest of the evening with friends, and then sleeping. Yes. Sleeping. No sex. Just sleeping. The weekend followed suit. We left the city on Sunday and went up to Petes Hole for a few days. Which were lovely and exactly what I wanted! This first month has been fantastic! Being married to Aaron feels so natural. Which has been a blessing, as real life hit us kind of hard the weeks before and after our wedding. But Aaron is unbelievable! He knows how I work, and he just understands what I need without my saying anything! We have been living true to newlywed style. Flat broke. Hahaha! Which I am truly grateful for! I never wanted to be given the easy life when I first started out. We have been blessed to be able to make ends meet, and not having over-drawn bank accounts. But it is a matter of serious budget work, and learning to trust and lean on one another. We have constantly remind ourselves that we have more than others, and family that has been working above and beyond to help us out! I am so excited to see what happens with our next billion months together!

Ordinary Diamonds

Song list for today:
* The Bird And The Worm - The Used
* Ordinary - Train
* Run - Rosie Thomas
* We Did Nothing Wrong - Royal Bliss
* We Cry - The Script
* Her Diamonds - Rob Thomas
* All In All - Lifehouse
* The Chain - Ingrid Michaelson
* The Motions - Matthew West
* Johnny And June - Heidi Newfield

High Fives and Screaming Headaches

You know ... if my kids ever ask to elope I am going to say YES!!! GO!!! Gah! There are so many people who's faces I'd LOVE to high five!

9 June 2011 - Thursday

Aaron proposed today! We hiked to Bridal Veil Falls, he took my hand and said "Jess, together there isn't anything we can't accomplish. Will you marry me?" Right as I said yes the water started to spill over onto us. It was almost like it had been timed. I naturally was oblivious. We had been to Bridal Veil once before. It was the day I met his dad last fall. But as he took my hand and finished the word accomplish he got down on one knee. 'Oh dear' fell out of my mouth as he was kneeling. Both of us smiling like idiots. Yes, I said yes... we all knew I would... but now it is official. Aaron and I are engaged!

That face, that face, that loveable face!

Oh if only I could count the ways I love my Aaron and his handsome face ...

Return of the Killer Infection!

So, for those that don't already know, I spent my Saturday morning in the ER at Inter-mountain Medical Center. My afternoon was spent under anesthesia at the oral surgeons office. My evening and night were spent with Aaron.
It is funny when you think about the timing of it all... June 4th was the day I was finally released from ICU in 2008 for this same infection...
Anyway, here is the story... Friday morning I woke up to my jaw in serious pain. The top right and lower left sides were throbbing and felt a little swollen. It didn't alarm me much as this had happened in May. I simply overdosed on Vitamin C and pain killer/anti-inflamatory meds and it went away. Though this time I didn't have that much luck. After a 10 hour shift at AFCU, Aaron and I made our way to my parents house to have dinner and celebrate Leesa's 18th birthday. Leesa noticed my jaw was swollen but I blew it off. Telling her I was fine and that it would go away. As Aaron and I arrived back at his grandparents house he again asked me if I was okay. I said I was. He wasn't terribly convinced. He suggested we cancel going shooting and we just take it easy insead. I begged him not to. I really wanted to go. We were going to have some of my family come with us, and I really just did not want to cancel. He made me promise that if I didn't feel better in the morning we would cancel the trip. As I drove home I had this sick feeling in my stomach. For some reason I did not feel right about leaving Aaron. Afraid something would happen to him I began to pray quite earnestly for his well being. As I arrived in the driveway I began to feel a little off kilter. I credited it to being overly tired and proceeded down the stairs to my room. I sent Aaron a text letting him know my worry and expressing my concern at the way I was feeling. He made me promise if I still felt that way in the morning I would seek medical help. I agreed to it. It wasn't two hours later I sent him and Sunnie a text message saying I thought I needed medical help. I had awoken to a serious pain and I could feel my cheek had increased in swelling. Sunnie came downstairs and was mid-sentence when she got a good look at me and said wooow!!! Jess I can smell the infection smell again. I said I know, I can taste it. I had been looking up dentist offices trying to find one that would be open on a Saturday. Sunnie asked if I was crazy, and did I remember what happened the last time I had tried to wait... so at 3am we picked an ER and called Aaron. He asked me to call him back once we were at the hospital and he would meet us there. An hour later, when we were settled into room 31, I called Aaron. He didn't answer and I didn't have the heart to wake him. It would be awhile before anything happened. I swear there is a mandatory two hour wait for an er doctor to see you. No matter how many or few are in the er... I began telling the nurse and Doctor that I knew what was causing it. I had been through this before. I had the scars to prove it. The man just kind of blew my information off. After another 2 hours, a CT scan, and allergic reaction to IV meds later... he came in all raring to go. He'd read some of my medical history and it seemed to light a fire under his ass. He asked for the names if my previous surgeons. I rolled them off... Garner Meads inserted the treacherous and the first drain from my jaw at Altar View. After being lifelighted to LDS I was under the care of Dr. Pearl who was over the ICU. Dr. Sharma took over care of the treach and added another few drains in my throat. Dr. Michael Collins was my thoracic surgeon. He inserted lung tubes and performed the heart surgery. Mr. IMC-ER doctor called and woke up the oral surgeon who rushed over. In the hour it took for him to arrive, I received a priesthood blessing from Darin and Daeson. Aaron called, and was on his way when the oral surgeon arrived introduced himself and left to view the CT scan. Sunnie left for work at 8:30am as soon as Aaron was seated by my side. A nurse came in and said Dr. Christensen had prescribed an anti-inflamatory. The moment that drug hit my veins my entire body burst into flames. It felt like pins and needles were stabbing my insides trying to get out. The nurse left to get benadryl immediately. Dr. Christensen came in to see for himself what was happening. He also said that instead of trying to book the O.R. he wanted me to go to his office to have the teeth extraction done. It would be cheaper and a lot less hassel for everyone. He made sure I had the benedryl, and ordered one final dose of a different antibiotic that was similar to penicillin, but different enough from the first antibiotic I had been allergic to. I had to sit and wait for those IV drugs to finish before I was finally allowed to leave at 10:40-ish. Aaron took me home and we took a two and a half hour nap. The oral surgery lasted only an hour and a half. I dimly remember waking up with my head in Aaron's lap as we pulled up to the house. Vaguely remember walking in past Sunnie and hitting my pillow. Aaron was able paint in the missing pieces . The nurses told him I was starting to wake up, that the surgery had gone well, and he could come see me. When he walked in the room he asked if I recognized him. I said nope, but I recognize your shirt. I was very sweet but didn't know anyone there. He informed me he was going to wait until I had awakened a little more before he brought the truck around. I knew his truck and didn't hesitate to jump in put my head in his lap and fall asleep again. I supposedly rambled but he couldn't understand much of it. I remember half waking to tell Aaron I had seen our children. We both woke up about two hours later and decided to make a trip to target, fill my prescription, and eat something. The pharmacy was closed, but we stopped at the cafe for a bite before heading to his grandparents house to pick up a few movies at my request. I also wanted to see his grams and show her the shirt she had gotten me fit perfectly! We went back to my house and watched movies, took pictures, and fell asleep. Aaron left this morning for work making me promise I would stay in bed today and tomorrow or I couldn't go see him during his lunch break. I compromised with him. I agreed to rest and lay down, but outside in the sun. He agreed and I was able to get a little sun and chat with Sunnie and Alaina on the lawn while I laid on my blanket. I was happy to see Aaron but was reminded just how quickly my body tires after medical stress and surgery. So... I am back in bed and ready for sleep. I'm sure tomorrow I will darken my tan, finish my book, and call Dr. Christensen to schedule a time to remove the stitches and the drain, and prepare to work a 5 hour shift on Tuesday.

Bring On The Color

This morning while waiting for Aaron, I took a walk around his grandparents house. I found this pretty purple flower hiding in the branches behind some shrubbery. I quite liked the picture! It also gave me an excuse to play with the camera on this phone. Not bad hmmm!?

Joined

I finally joined the wonderful world of smart phones. Best Buy has a deal for select verizon phones if you are eligible for an upgrade. So, I got the Samsung-Galaxy S for free. It's been an adjustment, but both my husband-to-be, and sister-in-law-to-be have it and love it. My only complaint is battery life, and being more high tech than I was prepared for. Haha! I do however LOVE the camera!!!

Brandi Carlile - Memory List

Dreams - Sunnie Lynn - St. George. Screaming it on top of our lungs that entire road trip! Nicks baptism, and the Condo we stayed in at St. George. Windows down -- getting funny looks... You introduced me to Brandi Carlile. I owe you so much! Just know that for the rest of time, Dreams will be your ringtone. Hahaha! "Dreams, I have dreams, when I'm awake, when I'm asleep. Oh you, you are in my dreams. You're underneath my skin... and now in my dreams I can feel the weight I can just come clean... I keep it to myself, I know what it means I can't have you... but I have dreams! Oh and I have dreams, I have have dreams! Mind can you read my mind. Has it come undone? Am I showing signs? And now in my dreams I can feel the weight I can come clean! I keep it to myself! I know what it means! I can't have you, but I have dreams!"


My Story - My Aaron - The night we drove up Cottonwood canyon when I told you my story, and you showed me where your truck went off the road and down the canyon with you in it. I am so very grateful God saved you! :) I know I say this all the time, but no one has ever EVER been able to read my heart the way that you do. It is uncanny just how well you can read my face, my mannerisms, and my silence. I truly believe I was made for you. I've never fit so perfectly with anyone else. You are everything I have ever dreamed of, wanted, wished for, and more. As cheesy as this sentence is, I am so grateful I get to call your heart Home. Aaron Robert Durrant -- I love you with all that I am, from my head to my toes!!!  "You see the smile that is on my face, it's hiding the words that won't come out. And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed, they don't know my head is a mess. No they don't know who I really, am and they don't know what I've been through like you do. And I was made for you.. And all of these lines across my face, tell you the story of who I am. So many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am. Oh but these stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to. And I was made for you. Oh and it's true, I was made for you."


Pride and Joy - Daddy - The night you sat in my hospital room with me and told me the story of how you proposed to my mom, and when you went and asked Grandpa Adams for mom's hand was the night I knew things would be different between you and I. I knew we were finally going to have that Daddy/Daughter relationship I had always wanted. You know, growing up, the only thing I wanted was your approval, to be loved by you.  To have you look at me and say that I was your pride and your joy. That you were happy I was your kid, and that you understood why I had made the choices that I had made. (Being LDS, rather than being a member of his religion) And that happened for me that night. It was in LDS hospital that I first heard you say I love You Jessica. I appreciate you, and I am proud that you are my kid. I am so Proud to be your kid Daddy! :) "That's the problem with the days, they're never long enough to say what it is you never said, all the books you never read. Throw myself into the wind, hoping someone will pick me up and carry me again. Where are you now? Do you let me down? Do you  make me grieve for you? Do I make you proud? Do you get me now? Am I your Pride and Joy?"


I Will - Stanley - You were sitting in my car -- this song came on, and as you were talking I heard these lyrics and I knew our time together was almost over. "You can't hold a heart that was never yours to break. And you could never be there for me in the end. So I will do the right thing, I will - I will, I will... I don't think you ever learned a thing from me, but I know that you want me to learn from you. And you draw heavy handed lines around morality about yourself and I don't share your point of view. It's been time to let you go a thousand times and you'd never know that it hurts to be the one that you'd regret. I have to say that I am proud to know ya, and I'll never be the same because we met. You might not miss this, but I will"


Again Today - Miss Maris - The day we walked along the Riverton section of the Jordan River Parkway we were talking about Jared, and the things that were bothering you. While you were on the phone with him, this song came on my Ipod, and it made me laugh. You were my first friend when I moved to So Jo, and after everything, you're still my friend now. I'm really glad we have a bond that will stand the test of time. I know you and Jared will find a way to be happy, and work through the difficult times ahead. I am happy you married a man that makes you feel as deeply as he does, both the hurt and the happy. It's good that you feel. "Broken stick and broken stones all turn to dust just like our bones, it's words that hurt the most, now isn't it. Are you sad inside, are you home alone? If I could just pick up the phone, maybe you could see a better day, under my watchful eye. Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness. Who's gonna break my fall, when the spinning starts, and the colors bleed together and fade. Was it ever there at all, or have I lost my way? The path of least of resistance is catching up with me again today. I'm broken down, not good enough. The broken promises add up to twice their weight in tears which I have caused. "


My Song - Tasha Kay - Hahaha! You know why this song reminds me of you... Driving around Provo and both of us thinking we were bad ass... How many conversations have we had that are "Well if I could say this to this person -- I soooo would!" Oh Tasha... if they only knew what words we were screaming in our heads! "Here I am, I'm so young! I know I've been bitter, I've been jaded, and alone. Every day I bite my tongue, if you only knew my mind was only full of razors that would cut you like a knife if only sung... and this is my song. I live every day like there'll never be a last day until they're gone, and they're gone... And I'm too proud to beg for your attention and your friendship and your time, so you can come and get it from now on!"


Hiding My Heart - Amber Marie - When I first met you Amber you were trying to figure out how to deal with the death of your special someone and I couldn't imagine myself ever going through that. You are truly one of the strongest people I know. "This is how the story went, I met someone by accident, that blew me away. That blew me away. And it was in the darkest of my days that you took my sorrow and you took my pain and buried them away, you buried them away. I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done, and wake up to your face against the morning sun, but like everything I've ever known, you disappeared one day. So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away."


Looking Out -Victoria Lastoria - This song was in my head the night you called me crying, after one of the worst fights you and Amber had. I remember you were packing while you were talking with me, getting ready to go to your dad's house. And look at you now, you have the man you are going to marry. You are happy, and almost Amber free! ;)  "I know the darkness pulls on you, but it's just a point of view. And when you're outside looking in, you belong to someone. And when you feel like giving in, or the coming of the end. Like your heart could break in two. Someone loves you! I am afraid of crossing lines. I am afraid of flying blind. Afraid of inquiring minds. Afraid of being left behind. I close my eyes I think of you. I take a step I think of you. I catch my breath I think of you. I cannot rest I think of you. My one and only wrecking ball, oh you're crashing through my wall. When you're outside looking in, someone loves you."


Hallelujah - Me. This is my song. It's only when I heard Brandi sing this cover that I really listened to the words, and I'll never ever forget them. Every time I hear the line Love is not a victory march, it's a cold, and it's a broken Hallelujah -- I remember, it is a constant fight to love someone. It requires being selfless, and sometimes it means you take the higher ground and you bite your words. You take your pride and you sit on it! Love is amazing, and pure, and good, and it makes you stronger when you find that person to love you back, but you have to remember -- it isn't just about you, it's about the we, us, and our. This song reminds me of that. "Your faith was strong, but you needed proof. You saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight over through ya. She tied you to her kitchen chair, she broke your thrown and she cut your hair. And from your lips she drew a Hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah... Well darling I've been here before. I've seen this room I have walk this floor. You know I used to live alone before I knew ya. I've seen your flag on the marble arts, and love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah... There was a time you let me know what's really going on below, but now you never show that to me do ya... Remember when I moved in you, the holy dove was moving too and every breath was hallelujah. It was Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah... Hallelujah. So maybe there's a God above, but all I ever learned from love is how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya. It's not a cry that you hear in the night. It's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and It's a broken Hallelujah. It was Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah... Hallelujah."

Call Me Happy Endings, but This Ain't Goodbye...

I honestly don't know how he does it. His birthday is in 3 days, and I will most likely wish him a happy one.  There will be things that will forever and ever remind me of him, and they will probably always make me smile. I've tried hating him. I've tried being apathetic towards him. I've tried erasing, ignoring, avoiding, and forgetting. It just doesn't work. I don't know how he does it, but I can't. I will forever think of and consider him a friend. I've forgiven the pain, and mistreatment. I forgave that a long time ago. I don't understand how he seems able to simply displace, and brush off the years, time, and experiences we went through together, but I can't. And I no longer want to. I have just accepted I will always love him as a friend, and as a part of my past. He will and should do as he pleases, but as for me... this is where I stand. This, it seems, is what my heart wants.



Call Me - Shinedown

Happy Endings - Mika

This Ain't Goodbye - Train

Big Hearted Pains

I have this person that I care a lot about, and I know that they are seriously hurting right now... but I don't know if I would be out of line in asking them if they are okay.

Well, I already know the answer to that, so I guess I more want to know if there is anything I can do for them, to help ease the pain.

... You know?

But... would my interfering help or harm? Would it be a bad decision? Should I just wait and see what happens?

If they wanted to talk with me, they would have contacted me... right?

Maybe I'll just ask Aaron. He'll know what to do.

181st Semi-Annual General Conference

I love General Conference! I love that it fills two days. I love that if you truly listen to the words and counsel of those who have been asked to speak, you receive answers to your questions, both asked and un-asked. Advice and and counsel that is much needed. I love the power, and comfort that comes from watching and listening to the leaders of our religion as they speak on the topics the Lord has given them. I am so grateful for the opportunity we are given to benefit from the testimonies of these great saints. (So far, my favorite has been Kent F. Richards talk!)

One thing that I have been thinking about during this first session of conference, is the Sunday worship. How do I, and the people around me view Sunday service? Do we take it as an obligation, something we have to do out of habit? Is it a negative thing we begrudgingly roll out of bed for? Something we eagerly await the end of so we can take the rest of the day and do what we want? Or do we realize it is a blessing to be able to come together and worship together? Do we benefit from the strength that comes in numbers, and the unity of so many that share our faith and belief? I know I vary between this. There are Sundays when I fight with myself. I don't want to wake up, and getting ready seems like such a hassel. More often than not, I am excited to attend the 3 hour block, and I strive to get both Aaron and I there on time. Though he works a full, and hard 12 hour shift on Saturdays, he does his very best to be up and ready in time to go. Some mornings all he is able to do is be there for sacrament, but I have never seen someone so dedicated to gaining what he can from what little he is able to attend. That example, I know, has been one of the things that has kept me mindful of the fact that it is a blessing to be able to attend sunday services. Another thing, is it is a new develpment for Aaron to be able to sit with me through all of our church services. Aaron works 3, 12-hour shifts, and 1 6-hour shift. His schedule used to be Sun-Wed, now it is, Wed-Sat. I cannot express to you how grateful I am for Sundays together with him. There is a different feeling on Sundays, and the fact that I am now able to spend the full day with him is incredibly special to me. On the Sundays when he would work, he would stay with me until 11:30. I would then go to him and spend his lunch break with him at 6pm. I don't know what it is, but there is something very special about spending Sundays with the people you love.

I am excited to listen to, and find out what the rest of the speakers have to say. To learn what it is our Father in Heaven would like us to know and focus on at this time.

HAPPY GENERAL CONFERENCE WEEKEND!!!

P.S. Does anyone else find it funny that is rains every conference weekend?

For you... anything!

A few points I want to make:

• I am now 23 years old, I have 3.5 months to my wedding day. I have always said, I would be married in year 23.
• I finally met [in person] LaTasha Kay Widdison.
• I have the worlds greatest [future] In-laws!
• My favorite, and amazing, best friend Alaina Mills has been home for almost 3 months now! I couldn't be happier and more thrilled to be able to spend as much time as possible with her!
• Most importantly, I finally have a man in my life that I can and do depend on for anything and everything! Aaron is the best man that I know! Which is a good thing as I am sealing myself to him for time and all eternity 21 July, 2011 at 8:00am at the Salt Lake City Temple!!!

Let me just gush for a moment please. It could be that I am just that annoying love-sick girl at the moment, or it may truly be that I am without a doubt happy, and secure with my life situation right now! I have a man that I love, and that loves me back. Unconditionally! He is everything I have ever wanted in a man, right down to his defined chin, height, eye color, and yes, even shoe size! He is everything, and more. He fills in the cracks I left when I pictured my perfect guy, In my journal I have a very detailed description, that is even a little fairytale-esk at bullet points, for the perfect man. -- Aaron fulfilled them, and added more. I can't tell you how grateful, and amazed I was when I re-read that list, and was able to put a check by each thing. Fairy tales aren't supposed to come true. They are supposed to be pretend, yay disney you suck... Thank putting the prince Philip image in my mind and then leaving me to face the world of un-perfect men type thing. Right...? Wrong! Aaron has his faults, don't get me wrong, but they aren't faults you normally find. At least not the ones I have dated in the past. Aaron is not a flake. He is not all talk. He is not a meat-head. He is not a liar. He doesn't take advantage of situations. He isn't lazy, judgemental, shallow. Aaron is a gentleman. He opens every door, and pays for every date we go on, ,and makes sure I am happy, and that I have what I want and feel I need while still allowing/helping me feel capable and independant. Aaron knows how to compromise with me. He gives me my freedom, but still has this ability to put his foot down, and have me respect it. I have never met anyone that could do that. Any time anyone tried, I felt smothered, and I would run the other way. I would fight back. I don't with him. Aaron defends me, without making me appear weak. I could go on forever about how wonderful he is, but we all know a great man happens because of even more amazing parents. So I have to credit a lot of Aaron's behaviors and character to his parents teaching. Ron and Eva are the most amazing people, let alone parents! All of their children are phenomenal people! I feel so blessed to be able to join and be a part of their family! I look forward to Tuesdays for Durrant family night! I love that this family takes time out of their life, and busy schedules to spend time together as a family! It truly is amazing to feel the love and harmony a family can have for and with one another! That is something I have never had, but always wanted. I am truly excited for the future!!!

Reversed Deja Vu

I am coming up on the 3 year mark to the single most frightening experience of my short life time. May 21, 2008 will forever be a day that I remember. I still dream about it, and the 4 weeks that followed it. I still wonder how people reacted, what went through their minds, and what they felt. In the moments I do remember, I know how I felt. I know how I reacted, and I know what was going through my mind. There are mornings when the dreams are so real I wake up with the taste of hospital in my mouth, and the scent of gauze still haunting me. I read something today that reminded me of the morning I finally let myself cry. The morning I finally gave myself a moment to fall into weakness, and feel the fear I'd been denying for so long. At the end of that I made a promise to myself. I chose life. I promised I would forever choose life, and no matter what happened next, I was going to survive through it all. 

"I’m in this for the long run, and even though my world is uncertain and changing, I want nothing more than to live an extraordinary life. I may be lonely, scared, and little sad at the moment, but I think that that’s alright...for now. I am being stretched constantly, and all I can do is breathe, and try to choose between what’s right and easy."

 

So far, I have. I have not only survived, but I have learned how to live! I am happy, and I am in this for the long run! I am running as fast as time will let me, and I am pushing boundaries I have never dared to push. Until now. I couldn't be more excited, and scared for what is happening, and what has yet to happen. This is a good thing! I can feel it. I am learning. I am growing. And, I am where I am supposed to be. 

No one really knows the end, or what will happen, though we may plan every detail... it's all a test of faith.

I suppose that is half the excitement. . .

Small Taste Of Sunshine...

I have LOVED today! The bright sunlight, the warmer feel, and of course -- the fact that it is Temple Thursday!

I have begun compiling the wedding music playlist. (I'll post the song list a little later) It's mildly exciting, but a tad more tricky than anticipated. It's alright though, I'll figure it out. (Any suggestions are welcome!)

Also... Decorations, clothing choices, and food options. Not my favorite thing to try and figure out! Thank heavens for Aaron, my FMIL (Future Mother In Law) Eva, my future sister in law Jaclyne, and of course, my lovely friends for being so willing to help me out! I would have run away screaming a long time ago if it weren't for you! (I may have been part of/in a lot of weddings, but for some reason, I've hit a brick wall with trying to plan my own. Go figure...)

Adele - 21

I know the Adele album isn't supposed to be out in the US, but I managed to get the UK release, which was released in January. It has 5 more songs than the US version will initially release, who is to say they won't release them later, but why wait...

I fell head over heels in love with this album. There are 3 songs I have kept on repeat for the past week that I've had it. Tracks 1 - Rolling In The Deep, 11(recorded)/17(acoustic) - Someone Like You, 14 - I Found A Boy. I don't know, it's... well, to be perfectly honest, this album really struck a chord with  me. I could connect with nearly every lyric in these songs. I am willing to bet it's because Adele is my age. She was born in May of 1988. She is experiencing a lot of the same things I am and have, at the same ages. That is what makes an album great, isn't it? When you can connect with a song so entirely. . . Sunnie and I had a long conversation today about it all. How funny it is that these ages the 3 of us are at really are a time for growth, love, loss, and just learning who we are. It's the same with Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson who were both born in 1979. Their music and lyrics are incredibly simliar, but they still manage to resonate with people 10 years their junior... It's just the way of life I suppose. Emotions are the same no matter what age, race, or gender. Music is a way to release those emotions.

Track by track interview by Adele

Rolling The Deep

Someone Like You

P.S. On the UK Album Adele sings a Brandi Carlile cover. Hiding My Heart. May I just tell you I about peed my pants when this song came on. It is an acoustic recording, the original song. I had a mini freak out in my car, so much so I am pretty sure I freaked out the people driving next to me. My arms waving, mouth wide open as I screamed. . . I immediately sent Sunnie a text message, as I knew she would be able to fully  understand and appreciate the magic and wonder that is ADELE singing BRANDI... Oh. My. Holy. Goodness!!!

Who cares baby, I think I wanna Marry You!

I am sooo ready for summer! I'd like to kick off these shoes, and long pants. I am ready for warm weather, bare feet in the grass, and summer dresses! Not to mention Picnics in the mountains, swings at the park, and COLOR EVERYWHERE!!! GAH, why must Utah winter drag on forever!?

(p.s. I'm also looking forward to this day...)

Midgets, and Lollipops.

I was talking with my 'brother' Courtland yesterday night, and the topic of 'getting freaky' came up... So naturally, I rather bluntly offered up my opinion, and this is what fell out of my mouth...

"I don't care if it is lightly scented, and flavored like a lollipop, some things just don't belong in your mouth!"

Also, I had a rather comical argument/discussion with at little person about the use of the term 'midget.' Which happens to be what I call my younger siblings... It turned into an argument about the power of words, and how the 'dictionary' meaning behind a word doesn't seem to matter anymore in today's society. Needless to say, I won the argument.

And in keeping with my attempt at being Valentines open...

..

"A man, when he wishes, is the master of his fate."

I have this fascination with wishes. I've had it for as long as I can remember. There are so many things people wish upon. Stars, a time of day, dandelion seeds, four leaf clovers, birthday candles, necklace latches, fountain coins, shadows, sentimental items, the list goes on and on. So many wishes, so many dreams, so many hopes thrown out into the universe...
I find it all fascinating. Every person has a secret wish, or hope that they carry around with them. It's almost as though it's a warm stone in their pocket. Something they are always aware of. Always twirling around in their hand. I want to know what it is they are wishing for. I want to know why they are wishing for that one particular thing. I want to know if their wish ever comes true.

"Destiny has two ways of crushing us - by refusing our wishes and by fulfilling them."
"You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true."
“To a resolute mind, wishing to do is the first step toward doing. But if we do not wish to do a thing it becomes impossible.”

Beware The Sign

Dear Creepy, Gross, and Vile, Construction man...

The next time you stand in front of my vehicle for 15 minutes with your damned sign, and ask me for my phone number, I will not sit and argue with you -- I will happily beat you into the ground with your stop/slow sign.

Sincerely,
Jess

P.S. I really did have to pee.

Love Inspires

I've never really been one who enjoys Valentines Day. I find the holiday ridiculous. Very pink, very girly, it's all very cheesy. Not to mention the candy isn't all that great, and the cards are silly. 

Typically most people hate valentines day because they have no one to share it with. I've never spent a Valentines alone, so I suppose I wouldn't be able to truly appreciate it...? 

This year I will be celebrating this day with Aaron, purely because he asked me to give it an honest try. In an attempt to give this day a chance, here is my ode to Valentines Day.

Sideways Glances, and Judgemental Passes

This has been my  most controversial Facebook status update. There are a few remarks I refrained from saying on facebook, and have decided to put them here on my blog. If you don't like controversy, or just don't like the fact that I am vocal, and opinionated... then I'd suggest you stop reading this post. :)

Jessica Meredith Gustafson is a little confused... The woman at Walmart had a straight up 5 o'clock shadow.
(Perhaps confused is the wrong word. Shocked might have been a better word choice.)

Jennifer Crofts Sanda Lmao! I saw a woman on TV with a beard the other day! Sad day for them!
(Jennifer has had laser hair removal. The hair on her face started to grow in darker, with the increase in medications she was taking. It is a common side effect.)



Jessica Meredith Gustafson Amen!


Tasha  Seriously? I saw someone in my ward with a mustache!
(Many woman have a 'stache' thus the popularity of upper lip waxing.)


Adella It is a common side effect of PCOD or PCOS. There is every possibility that she is in a lot of pain, a lot of the time. Having your hormones all messed up sucks.
(Cousin Adella, I'd have to agree. Having your hormones all messed up does suck, but there are many ways to fix the side effects of that, especially when it is uncomfortable hair growth.)



Dianna eeek


Casey  Nice. Walmart is never without interesting folk.
(I will refer to this again later... but http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/)

Leah I'm so scared now. Women shouldn't have any o'clock shadow that's why there is waxing!!!
(Leah is one of the ones I mentioned. She goes in for waxing regularly. It isn't uncommon, and it doesn't make her less of a person. In fact, I find it commendable that she takes such good care of her personal hygiene! She has come a long way, and she will be the first to tell you that!)


Adella There times when you can't wax. Say like if you are getting laser hair removal, your doctor wants to keep an eye on the situation, or your skin is too sensitive. It is really a sad situation for the women. Your hormones make you feel halfwa...y male, halfway female. You gain weight easily, but it won't go away without some severe dieting and a hefty exercise routine, and even then it is slow going. Your menstral cycle is crazy erratic, and often means cramps that put labor to shame. You become insulin resistant so you are at a high risk of becoming diabetic. A lot of them spend years and years telling their doctors that something isn't quite right, just to have their doctors think they are just seeking attention, and by the time the doctors agree something is wrong you can't turn back the changes your body started. Depression is a side effect, but can you really blame them? Their bodies don't do the primary thing they were designed to: be female. Something we all take forgranted when it is just natural. When I see women in this state I just want to hug them because it isn't easy.
(I have no doubt it isn't easy, but this woman obviously did not care about her personal hygiene. She had tattoos from her ankles to her elbows. Her hair was greasy, and her clothing unwashed. People like that are really sad, but she is working at walmart. She has a regular paycheck. That would allow her to pay for a shower with soap and shampoo, laundromat, and her insurance would cover laser hair removal. She may have a $35 co-pay, but what is that amount every 3 months compared to the amount of shaving cream, razors, and the public humiliation that comes with being a woman with a 5 o'clock shadow?)

Eva Was the circus in town? ;)
(Come on now, this is just funny!)

Jessica Meredith Gustafson I hope not! Clowns give me the heebe jeebies.


Katie Some rude, inappropriate comments for someone who probably wishes every day they didn't have the problem.
(This is where it gets controverisal.)
Jessica Meredith Gustafson Katie, if it makes you feel better, I at first couldn't tell if it was part of her tattoo collection, or a real 5 o'clock shadow. I was genuinely surprised.


Katie Im glad it makes people feel better and superior to judge and make fun of people who look different. This is why our world and society is the way it is.
(I was floored by this comment for two reasons. 1: That entire comment is a judgement. and 2: Based upon the comments that had been made up to this point, no one was having superiority issues, unless you count Katie.. No one was making direct comments to taunt this cashier, if you'll read them again you'll notice no one was even really talking about her personally, but more about the fact that facial hair on woman is based upon hormones, and it is probably an uncomfortable situation for those who suffer with it. Now had someone said 'That woman should be put in the circus' or 'She must have gotten a sex change' then I would understand where Katie was coming from.)Jessica Meredith Gustafson Katie, calm down. Most of the people who commented on this status are good people. No one was seriously making fun of her. Personally.


Jessica Meredith Gustafson Katie, calm down. Most of the people who commented on this status are good people. No one was seriously making fun of her. Personally.


Katie Im not sa