Basket Case...

Pregnancy is pretty hard on a woman's body, and their emotions, and their mental state. It tugs at insecurities, and makes you face them. At least it is for me. It exhausts, leaves breathless, and moody. My poor husband has been so neglected these past few months. I know it is wearing on him, but he is so patient with me. He simply picks up the slack, and never complains. Because I am a selfish person, it makes me feel guilty, on top of fat, and useless. So I shy away from him, and get rather introverted. Becoming a human incubator has been one of the hardest things I've ever done so far in my life. I haven't had extra weight since I was in diapers. Now I am supposed to gain roughly 25-35lbs in 40 week!? My shirts are beginning to stretch across my ever growing belly, my favorite skirts don't zip up all the way, my hair and nails are growing like wildfire and it's hard for me to keep up the maintenance. Luckily my pants all fit, it seems I carry higher than some women, so I may escape the whole elastic band pants. Thank heavens for low rise jeans!!! So far the hardest part for me is trying to accept that it's okay that I can't see my belt buckle when I look down. Most, if not all of it, is baby weight. I keep getting told I need to eat more, I need to gain more weight. I have a high metabolism, and it's a carb metabolism. My body eats carbs like candy, and spits them out. Extra weight doesn't stick very well. And somehow my belly just keeps growing and it's messing with my psych. I have never been overweight. I have never weighed more than 122.1 lbs in my life. It was a miracle I reached 122.1 Most of that was/is muscle. Suddenly I am almost 130lbs, and I still have to gain at least 2 more pounds. I have never had depression. I've never had to fight it. Until now. I look in the mirror, and I know there is a baby developing and growing, I know I am just going to get bigger, I know it is a beautiful and wonderful thing... but all I see is my shirt getting tighter around my middle. I am exhausted, all the time. My insides hurt constantly, with the moving around of organs, and the baby pushing against my appendix, and still feeling like I should get up and do something so Aaron doesn't have to do all the work. Feeling guilty for making him the sole means of money in our home. We aren't struggling for money. We makes ends meet, and are still able to do things like hunting trips, and going to dinner. But I know that if I got a job, Aaron wouldn't be as stressed about bills, and baby costs, and getting a house. Plus it would give me something else to do during the day. Something else to focus on. I worry about getting a job though because my home is already so neglected. I don't have the energy to keep up with everything, and be the neat freak I used to be. I don't have the energy to clean, and cook full meals, and organize, and help my daddy at his store, and run the errands we have. I can't stand up for more than maybe 15 minutes at a time without searing pain making me gasp and double over, or my entire abdomen getting heavy, and making me light headed. Aaron has been so neglected, and I desperately want to do something for him to show him that I love and appreciate him... especially as his 25th birthday is coming up next week. But there is only so much I can do with my limited energy resources, and a 25lbs lifting weight limit. I honestly feel worthless, and useless, and fat right now.

 I'm sorry for my rambling, and rather basket case venting, but I needed to unload it somewhere other than my already overwhelmed husband. I guess the cyber world is as good a place as any. ;-)

 But this pregnancy can't be just about me. It's new and scary for Aaron too. Baby D needs attention and care as well.

So I just need to get over it, and move on. That is all there is to it.