My Baby Girl

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

"Creativity will prevent violence through the restoration of the artist in everyone." --Carolyna Marks

I know it's still mid-winter but the cruise is only 19 days away and I can't help but be excited for it! So, I am indulging in my love of summer dresses! It's been a wicked month! I now stand by Elphaba in her "No good deed goes unpunished" stance, and I feel I deserve a little bit of self indulgent splurging! Forever 21 is in fact my favorite store to purchase said item from. They  have such an array of color filled flippiness it's amazing! I've never been very good at being a girly-girl aside from being slightly over dramatic about one too many things... but there is just something about a short, light, dress that allows you to be free. I'm known for my disliking of clothing, and procrastinating getting dressed as long as humanly possible. But! I actually enjoy wearing these! Thanks to my parents blessing me with a 'dancer' torso and short little legs, all 5' 3" and 113lbs of me fits into these without showing my bottom side when I bend down. It's amazing! Still, the spanky shorts are a good idea to wear beneath! That way, I can still dance around to the music I constantly carry with me! (And it doesn't hinder the physical activities that go on in my house... Yes, I am a member of an athletic family...)
Not to mention, Forever 21 is un-real kinds of inexpensive! I bought an amazing royal blue summer dress there for $3.99. You can't get much better than that!

Inversion


There is something about a mist, or fog that sits on the roads, and makes each turn a dangerous venture. I suppose it's the thrill of not being able to see two feet in front of you that makes it so appealing, wondering what is going to happen upon your path...










Sumersion


I can't shake this desire to attack a pool of water in a dive of grace. I want the freedom of flying through a pool of chlorinated blue. The adventure of taking on the entire ocean...



I just want to go swimming!



Thanks to Mya, A, and myself for the photography.

The Long Awaited Life List

So, I have had a to-do list for years. I have a friend who has asked me repeatedly to post my list so that people can see it, and help me with it. I started it in the 1st grade after reading  a book about a girl who made one and had an amazing life because she completed it. Slowly but surely I am crossing things off my list.
The ones in bold I have already accomplished.
1.) Tour the UK and Egypt  
2.) Learn to speak French and Spanish fluently  
3.) Swim the English Chanel 
4.) Be financially stable enough to donate to others  
5.) Find balance between taking care of myself and giving to others  
6.) Go camping and dance naked around a bonfire 
7.) Go skydiving  
8.) Go Ivy League 
9.) Get Over fear of Mexico 
10.) Fall in love with my best friend  
11.) Go on a cruise  
12.) Buy a car, of my choice.  
13.) Acquire as many old books as possible, and build a fantastic library for my home
14.) Memorize how to spell pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis 
15.) Visit the East Coast during autumn  
16.) Finish the 50 books to read before you die list 
17.) Go abroad and teach English  
18.) Kiss a boy from every zodiac sign  
19.) Live outside of Utah 
20.) Move out of my parents house  
21.) Reconect with people from my childhood
22.) Find that one soul I can take to 'Neverland' 
23.) Do something with my photography 
24.) Learn the constellations 
25.) Go to Disneyland, and Disneyworld  
26.) Get my Bachelors degree before I’m 25  
27.) Visit the temple regularly for a year
28.) Jump a waterfall 
29.) Pay a compliment to someone every day for a year
30.) Experience New York 
31.) Go back to Washington D.C. and tour everything there 
32.) Ride an elephant 
33.) Learn to play the piano well 
34.) Get baptized. 
35.) Climb Ensign Peak every week for a summer  
36.) Be able to beat all the 'Gus' girls in a race 
37.) Sell a photograph I have taken 
38.) Learn to ski/snowboard 
39.) Learn calligraphy 
40.) Lose fear of singing in public 
41.) Read a 1,000 page book. 
42.) Go Kayaking/canoeing  
43.) Run mile in 5 min 
44.) Join ballroom team 
45.) Earn all girl scout patches
46.) Set up a steady savings account 
47.) Memorize a poem longer than 5 stanzas
48.) Play in an orchestra  
49.) Visit Amish country  
50.) Kiss in the rain  
51.) See the Aurora Borealis  
52.) Learn to play the guitar well 
53.) Find someone I trust with everything and anything  
54.) Write a book and get it published  
55.) Bear my testimony in sacrament 
56.) Have an extensive vocabulary  
57.) Make-out in a walk in refrigerator/freezer, car wash, and the SLC library 
58.) Reach over 10,000 songs on itunes 
59.) Kiss a stranger  
60.) Help someone else gain self confidence
61.) Visit every art museum in Utah 
62.) Visit all 50 states 
63.) Learn to love everyone around me for who they are, and are trying to be 
64.) Build a tree house 
65.) Plant a garden 
66.) Own my own house 
65.) Re-gain contact with a best friend from the past
66.) Develop own style 
67.) Graduate from High School 
68.) Graduate from College 
69.) Learn to do flips and handsprings 
70.) Fill a sketch book 
71.) Learn to paint 
72.) Write a song and sing it for someone 
73.) Get married in the temple 
74.) Free climb a cliff face 
75.) Learn to rappel 
76.) Tend a rose garden I planted 
77.) Tell someone I love them and mean it whole heartedly 
78.) Appreciate the small things 
79.) Be the first to point out the silver lining in every bad situation for a month
80.) Write a gratitude moment in journal every day for a month
81.) Experience something no one else has 
82.) Develop a true relationship with Christ 
83.) Learn to be self-less 
84.) Go streaking and skinny dipping
85.) Make a new friend every month
Well, there you have it. The glorified to-do list of Jess. The list grows each year as I meet new people and learn of the things they have done in their life. There are some incredible people in this world, and I feel privileged to have met some of them!

Possibly Dangerous Word Vomit...

Knowing my history, as some of you do... this could potentially be an extremely dangerous post, but I am going to do my best to not say something that I shouldn't. Also, note the main title of my blog, 'Some Days You Shouldn't Ask.' It wasn't just cute, and clever, but a warning label. Because  Some Days, you really should not ask me what I was thinking, or what on earth I mean. 
This being said, I have a few secret confessions for you...
   1.) I am an optimist. It's almost suffocating sometimes. As frustrating as my situation is right now, I can't flush out the knowledge that all of this is happening for a reason. I have this faith that the Lord will provide, and all will be alright in the end. I can't help but see the world through a glass that is half full, though I do my best to also be a realist.
   2.) Pride. I am extremely prideful, and it's beginning to hinder me. I know we are told pride is something we need to rid ourselves of, but it's not that easy to pull the rug out from under your own feet and intentionally knock yourself to the ground bruising your hands and knees.
   3.) I have all of these life goals and things I want to accomplish, but I can't seem to find my way out of my current situation. I feel so tethered to my house, and my responsibility to my family that I diminish my goals and dreams. It's unhealthy I know, but my loyalty to my family it too great. I won't abandon them. I can't abandon them, I don't know how.
   4.) I want more than anything to be going to school. I would even love to be able to do those Independent Study courses BYU offers. I would in fact willing go limbless (yes I know that would greatly hinder my ability to do anything, but I would still be able to hear, and therefore learn something.), or homeless to go to school, but there things standing in my way. It's possible they are just mental blocks and I need to find some way around, over, or through them... but I can't see past them. Scholarships. I've been told time and time again, grants, scholarships, loans. Take them out. I don't know the first thing about scholarships, or how to find them, or where to figure this out. I have friends who have them, and who apply for them every year... but again. Pride. I'd have to admit I wasn't as skilled as they were. So, I am stuck, and the little I know about grants... I'd have to be living on my own to even apply for them. Suck-ish, no?
   5.) Money. I have a great lack of monetary funding. The economy is absolutely awful right now, so the job market is low. Especially for someone like me. My medical history is the biggest reason I have been turned down. I started an online file for all the rejection emails I received, just because it became so funny they all said similar things. "Your experience, work ethics, and employment qualities are exactly what we are looking for, but we don't feel you would be the right person for this job." Upon further information sought the responses I receive are one of two."Your medical history and background is working against you. We need someone we can count on to be at work everyday..." and, "We didn't like the fact that you had to file a medical bankruptcy." (I was denied for every financial aid I applied for. From hospital financial aid, to independently owned institutions. I had $300,000.00 + in medical bills from my hospital excursions in 2008. That doesn't include the ambulance and the life light. That number is strictly the amount for the hospital. I had no health insurance at that point in time. I had been removed from mine the month previous (Which funny enough, was one of the best in state.) because I had to let go of my job at target. I couldn't keep up with two jobs energy wise. I, stupidly enough, committed to the job at the credit union which backfired in more ways than just losing my health insurance. I was left with $300,000.00 + in medical bills and no job. It was my last resort. What else could I have done?)
   6.) I have an undying love for the New York Times, and a now-not-so-secret love for politics and world news.
   7.) I come across as a stuck up, for lack of a better or more fitting term, bitch. Because I become quiet and introverted in an unfriendly or uncomfortable situation, it leads people to the wrong conclusion. If I try and talk, I sound like a hard-hearted, up-tight, rude, know-it-all... Not my favorite attribute. I'll blame it on my Zodiac... ;)
   8.) I have a temper. It doesn't often flair up. I'm not one of those people who are easily annoyed. Lately though, my temper is always around the corner, and everything seems to bug! Seriously! I have never wanted to punch so many people in the face in my life!
   9.) As much as I love my family, and as loyal as I am to the responsibilities I have, I am beginning to resent them for my feeling trapped in my current situation. It's not logical, and this shouldn't be happening, but I can't figure out how to shake this creeping feeling. I am so grateful for all that my family has done for me, but at the same time, if my mother hadn't had 3 accident children I wouldn't be so tied to this house. (I calculated the hours I spend withing these 4 walls - on average 164.5 hours a week. Can you blame me for being so tired of this place, and in desperate need for adult conversation!?) Miranda, Emma, and Cameron, medically should not have happened. Which, tells me three things. A: My mother is freaking fertile. B: These children serve a purpose, and should be here. C: They do not deserve these feelings of secret loathing, and blame I am placing on their shoulders. I am their oldest sister, and I should be able to handle being a second mother to them, and filling in where my parents cannot. It isn't so much Cameron (who continually fills my heart to it's brim and is my pride and joy every day), as it is the two little girls. Miranda is 10, and Emma is 7. The most annoying, and aggravating ages. It could just be that they miss their mother, who works all day (Target: 7am-11am, JetBlue: 3:15-midnight) and father who also works all day (Michaels Expert Shoe and Boot Repair, and Orthotics Lab: 9am- whenever he finishes his work) and they are acting out because of that... or I am just a horrible tyrant who makes them act that way. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to make it go away.
   10.) I'm not shy, but I am quiet. I like to talk, but wait until I know what I say will be heard. I love to sit in the background and people watch, but I love attention and being noticed in a positive manner. I'm quickly finding I am a walking contradiction, and I really don't mind it.
   11.) I am someone who always has a handful of close friends, and has an ocean of other friends I talk to throughout the day. My phone has been very still these past few months. I know one of the biggest reasons is I have re-connected with 2 old friends during the latter part of last year. I don't know why, but it's pushed my other friends away. I don't spend any more time with the 2 than I did with anyone else. I don't cancel plans with other friends to go and play with them. I've never been like that, and I never will be, but because of the space I now have I am struggling with feeling abandoned, and pushed away... which I know is silly. I know full well everyone has lives of their own, and are very busy in different ways. That doesn't stop me wondering how you are doing, and what is happening in your day to day lives. For the first time in my life, I am not surrounded by people and I really just don't know what to do with myself.
    12.) I keep getting the feeling that something is about to change, and it's going to be for the better... but it's going to come with it's own set of consequences and not all will be pleasant. It's all for the best though. Whenever I get a feeling like this, it always proves to be for the better. I just hate that I can't feel out what it is, or where it is going to lead.
I don't know why I felt the need to broadcast all of these personal confessions... but I somehow feel a bit better. I don't know if this was the smartest decision, but I'll take whatever consequences come with it.


p.s. The reason this blog is all smashed together is because my blog is misbehaving and I got tired of trying to fix the html...

Let Your Soul Shine

Soul Shine by Beth Hart, is truly Amazing.

Inspired:

Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
If the people don't mind,
We all feel this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

Hidden Musician


If I didn't have music, I'm afraid life wouldn't be half as beautiful...







Thank you to K. for bringing to life the image I had in my head (Hidden Musician, the photography immediately above this text...) and for placing it in the perfect setting! I love you! I couldn't have done it better! 
Thanks also to G. for the 'rose' viewing of our sheet music! (We finally found a use for the never-ending viola rests! Yeah for artistic music and photography!)

Blessé par des mensonges

It's said a photograph says a thousand words. 

I found a photograph that speaks just enough...


(Thank you to Rubashka for the photography.)


Seigneur, donne-moi la force pour arriver là où je vais besoin d'être. Le chemin est sombre, alors je vais suivre ta voix. J'ai confiance, tout a une raison. Seigneur, conduis-moi à cette raison. Tu es le seul qui a la compréhension du cœur...

Ass.U.Me.

1-Don't assume things...
2-Don't assume things.
3-Don't assume things!

Words to remember: I really don't give a tinkers damn what other people think, or how they perceive my actions or my particular feelings on a matter are. If I say one thing, it's probably the truth. I hate liars, and refuse to become one myself. So, thanks, for making an ass out of both you and me. And the next time you run across the thought "hmm, well it looks like this, and people agree with me so I'll ass-u-me she feels this way..." throw it away, and learn to freaking spell. Better yet, why not just ask me and then trust what I say? Hmmm, now there's a thought...!

I typically mean what I say. Just because it looks/appears different to you, doesn't mean a damn thing to me. I am different from you. I do things in a very different manner from most people, and I show/express things in a different way. Especially emotions! Don't assume you know what I am feeling just because you think "It looks that way to everyone" or my personal favorite, "It's what I do when I feel that way..."

Words of advice: I'M NOT YOU!

ULX!!!!!!

I cannot wait for this years ULX!

Pull Yourself Together Before You Set Yourself Apart...

...In desperate need of a girls night...
Stuck in a place of









and need a night off and away!!!

Colour is as Color Does...







It's been a rough few days. The weather has been dull and grey. As has the mood in my surrounding world. I received a bit of disturbing news that raised a lot of questions, and brought into light a few truths I had been hidden from. So, as I always do I have found a spot of beauty in this dreary time through photography of friends and previously colored days. I don't know about the rest of you, but I have needed a pick me up for some time, especially after last nights disappointments. So, I bring to you the many different sides of color...

Thank you to the photographers: Chansie, myself, Courtland, and Kristen.

(Photographs are not in same order as the photographers.)

New Growth, New Life, New Beginning...

January is the cemetery month. Everything looks grey, and dead, and depressing. It is usually in this month that I need a vacation, somewhere warm and green. However, I have yet to actually go on a warm vacation during this month in the year. I don't leave for the Caribbean until next month, and it's the end of February at that.

So, I am using photography as a distraction. Thanks to the photographers Courtland, myself, Dasha, Tolka, and Rengim. (Photographs are not in the same order as the list of photographers.)