We Cannot Change What We Are... Only How We Are Percieved...

Amber, a close friend of my has a blog of her own. The link is http://amberdevaney.blogspot.com/ Her latest blog 'A Candle In The Dark' is one that has made me stop and think. I want you to read the entire post, but there were specific moments that held true to my heart, and I couldn't shake it from my mind. I need to express why. In this I will most likely wind up using names, and I apologize if it offends, or hurts anyone. That is not my intention. I only wish to portray a truth that needs to be shared by me, for me.

'The hardest battle you will ever face is the battle to be yourself. Doubting one's self is humanity's biggest folly. We find a comfortable area and cease to live beyond it. We follow shy tendencies and lack to share our personalities with new acquaintances. A candle in a room that is already lit does not seem nearly as bright as a candle in a room of blackness. I have noticed in my life that many people hold back who they truly are, or they put on a facade. In doing this we are burning ourselves out...'

'It is so wonderful to make friends simply by being yourself, and so much easier. Why do we worry about other's opinions of us? That answer is simple, insecurity. In order to touch the lives of others and not leave them questioning your intentions, one MUST be honest in all their doings. That means being honest about who you are and not hiding yourself from the world. Though some people may not like the person being presented to them, that is a hit we must all be willing to take. Lasting friendships and relationships are built on a foundation of honesty. If we are dancing to the rhythm of another's flame we are not only lying to ourselves, but lying to those around us. Be who you are in all matters, no one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.'

I chose a best friend that couldn't accept what I call 'my and/or the gift,' and so he never understood how on earth I could know certain things, or why I was almost always right in my opinions of people, or with the advise/opinions I would give. As a result of his not understanding how to accept the gifts and talents I have, it caused a friction between us. I never felt fully accepted by him, and he never felt he could entirely trust me because it seemed as though I was always hiding something from him. In truth, I was hiding what is likely to be the biggest part of me. If there is one thing in my life I would have to label as a regret it would be never being able to help him understand how I was able to do the things I am able to do. The best way to explain this is... He believed that I believed in my gift, but he didn't believe in it, nor could he accept what I would offer as an explanation of the gift because he couldn't understand the how, or more specifically the mechanics of it.

When I first meet people I come across as snobbish, or stuck up. Merely because I hold myself differently. I sit up straight, and I make eye contact with the speaker. I am cautious about whom I converse with, and I don't make an effort to be spotlighted, or made the center of attention. I speak only when I have something to say, and often times I'll leave without saying much of anything to anyone. Though, when someone stops me long enough to get to know me, on a personal level, I often hear I am a 'breath of fresh air,' 'one of the most genuine people,' and 'incredibly intuitive.' I find it difficult to open the interactions with new people. I prefer to take a step back and watch them first. Grow acquainted with how they are, and whom they present themselves to be before I find a comfort zone with whom I wish to approach, or be approached by. Not because I am snobbish, or censoring individuals... it's more, I am individual. A different color from the standard array of crayons in the crayon box. It takes someone who is incredibly open minded, and open to understanding something more. I am extremely spiritually driven. I don't go a day without conversing with my Heavenly Father, or my Savior. I won't leave my house if I can't feel some semblance of their presence, and I lead with my heart. If it doesn't feel right, I won't do it. If my intuition or my heart pushes me to do something, I will do it. No matter the expense, because I trust in my intuition, and my 'gift' enough to know that there is a reason behind the impressions I am receiving. (I know I am hopelessly confusing a lot of you, but I hope you catch the gist.) For instance, I always know when someone is lying to me. Whether or not I call you out on it at that specific moment is one thing, but know in the end, your lie will come out in the open and more often than not I make you own up to it. I can usually tell what you're thinking, or how your feeling. There are facts I am able to pull up whether you've made mention of them or not, and I always know the potential you have within you. When you talk about someone, I am almost always able to tell you if they will be a good influence in your life, or if they'll bring in misery, and a lot more confusion than what you need. In other words... toxic, or beneficial. There is more, but you wouldn't believe it if I told you.

The biggest reason Amber's blog affected me so intensely was because I've always hated the fact that I never felt this past friend of mine knew all of me, and so many others were able to accept what he wouldn't. It made a huge difference in how I would interact with him. It didn't make that friendship any less real. In fact it made me push harder to make it work. In the end, that inability to accept that side of me is where I lay the blame for the end of the relationship. He was hesitant to accept my opinion of things if it didn't fit in with what he wanted to hear. It had to be proven first. Unfortunately I took matters in to my own hands, and ironically enough... someone cared enough to jump through hoops to find me, and to read what I had to say. I'll never understand the why behind that, nor do I understand why someone who doesn't like me in the first place, would care so much about what I had to say. In the end it doesn't matter. What matters is that what I had to say effected more than just me. Everything is happening as it is supposed to be happening, but at what cost? In truth, I think that person was looking for a reason, and he found one because I gave it to him. I deviated from who I am for one moment. I hesitated, and acted against my own better judgement... and so, was surprised by the reaction, or over-reaction... instead of being able to feel the outcome before it happened. That is the worst of it. The moment we deny who we are, is the moment life hits us the very hardest with it...