I Am Single By Choice.

I am single because I choose to be single. It's just that simple. I enjoy being single. Odd as that may sound, it is no less true. I meet guys on a regular basis. Some of them creeps, some are genuinely nice guys... but not one of them ever makes it past the second date. I'll find some excuse to write them off. It isn't because I'm not attracted, or they aren't charming, sweet, gentlemanly, whatever... I am not ready to give up being single. It isn't I don't feel like I am ready to commit to a relationship; in truth... I just don't want to. I am at a selfish age right now, and I enjoy being the only person I need to take care of. Before you right me off as heartless, I stop and offer a helping hand to anyone that asks, but I don't have to. There isn't an obligation there for me to stretch out a hand. It's expected, it's anticipated from friends, but it isn't an obligation. It isn't something I feel like I have to do, and that is what makes all the difference. See, for me, in a relationship I feel tied down. I feel like I have to do extra little things for him. It's no longer because I want to, I'll do it because it's routine.

In the beginning of a relationship you have the custsie phrases. The constant flirting. And always dressing up for this guy that can't look you in the face half the time, but we take it as flattery. I will fully admit I lost myself to the world of men! I caught myself always making sure I was 'presentable' instead of comfortable. Take today for instance. I am trying to 1. Learn how to walk in heels. 2. Break in these heels. I have never before worn heels, but I am learning so I don't kill myself at this next wedding. Anyway, at first I was trying to mimic the women wearing heels. I'd never before taken 10 steps in a pair of heels and suddenly I am trying to spend a full day in them walking around The Gateway Mall with Marisa. On Valentines day of all days! I was shy, and sensitive to every glance that came my way. I couldn't let it show naturally because...well, that just isn't kosher, and I'd put myself in this ridiculous predicament. After a bit I stopped watching the other woman and started to focus on me, and how I was walking. Randomly, I found myself enjoying looking like a fool. I stopped caring, and as dorky as this sounds... I re-found my spirit. My flavor for life. The vivacious nature I had one point in my life before I dedicated it to making sure the current boy in my life was happy... before I did anything for myself. I know, the friends have been telling me this for ages... when I'd complain that I just wasn't happy anymore they'd tell me to stop and do something for myself. Go make myself happy for a change instead of taking care of everyone else. Don't misunderstand me, I live to make people happy. I love helping people, and being there for them... but when you lose yourself in that, it isn't healthy, and that is where the problems begin. Everything becomes routine, it's because you always do it, not because you want to be doing it. You find yourself under appreciated, and over stressed trying to make sure everyone else is taken care of while not going completely crazy yourself. Example: There was a boy I wasn't in any way attached to romantically and I still dropped everything for him because I had gotten so used to putting the boys first. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy doing the many things I did for him, making things a bit easier for him... It was, I did them because I had always done them. You won't catch a boy until you make him happy first... Wait... where did I pick that up from...?

In Utah we have the constant pressure of marriage placed upon us. It's become the norm for a girl to be married by 18, kids by 20. Anyone who hasn't fulfilled this... well, there just isn't any hope for them at all. They must be broken... and suddenly everyone thinks that is all they are out there to get. I myself am guilty for placing this label on people, and it's wrong! If I am happy being single, who's to say other women aren't the same exact way. It is possible to be single, simply... because you want to be single. It is a choice. For those of you that will scoff at this and say, I want a boyfriend... but I just can't find one. Here is the trick... don't close yourself off to the idea of dating. (ready for this revolutionary and oh so original idea?) Learn to enjoy where you are in life. I don't know anyone who enjoys being with consitently unhappy people, all the time. Accept that whatever happens will happen. I was so unhappy with the guys because A. I enjoy being single. B. I didn't like where I was, and I was blaming them. It wasn't the guys, it was me! I loved talking to these guys over facebook, texting, etc. When we met in person the whole thing went to pot. I was finding ways to avoid their texts, or to suddenly skip out on meeting them. I didn't want to. I liked just talking, and keeping the flirting to print. I couldn't understand why. Well, I love being selfish little me and I didn't want to share my world. I don't want to have to make a change and compromise how I am right now... and that is okay! Thanks to the social norm and the fact that practically half my graduating class is married, and 1/4th is pregnant with their 1st or 2nd child didn't help things. I felt like I was supposed to have a boyfriend. I felt that I was letting someone down because when I went to bed at night I couldn't hide from the fact that I really didn't want one. I don't have to want one, and I don't have to have one... I also don't have to sabotage the dates, or the conversations after the 2nd date. It's okay to say no, and it's okay to enjoy being Just Jess...

I am single by choice, and I am proud of this choice at this point in time. I have goals that I want to accomplish before I start actively pursuing a serious relationship with anyone. If I find myself moving towards one, then so be it... but I refuse to look for one because I feel like I should... Just because of where I live. I am 21 in a few weeks, and I'm am going to fully enjoy being a single, happy, person for the next while!