Fries, And A Chocolate Shake Please...

Now, I am known for my random off the wall cravings. Since November of '07 I have been in a constant Fri crave. It never stops! It started the day we all voted for something. I can't remember what we voted for... all I remember is I stood in line with Stanley at the Daybreak city hall place and I made him go to Arctic Circle after he was finished so I could get fries... and it just hasn't stopped! I've picked up a few others since then. Ice cream, chocolate shakes, dark chocolate, hot tamales (the candy), warm cookies, my popcorn, strawberry lemonade, etc. Though the cravings of these past 2 1/2 weeks has been insane! Crazy Bread, cookie dough, movie popcorn, sun chips, and Harry Potter of all things. I'm not even kidding you. This past week I have watched all 5 Harry Potter movies over, and over, and over again! I can quote you word for word what each of them says. I think I annoyed the dickens out of Sunnie last night with the 5th movie... I was hanging pictures up around my room, re-arranging things (which by the way, the room looks fantastic!!!) and quoting the movie... Umbridge makes me so inappropriately happy! I despise the woman, she is absolutely vial, but Ooo she is a delicious character! Not to mention, I am in the middle of re-reading all of the books... again. I don't know where this incessant need to consume all things Harry Potter came from, but it's extremely... erm... I don't even know the word for it. I've always used British slang, so it isn't that... I've always been able to quote the Harry Potter books, so it can't be that... who knows, all I know is I've gone through 3 tubes of cookie dough in the past 2 weeks (papa murphys has my favorite, aside from Toll House) 2 bags of Sun chips, I've only had popcorn once this week, but it was a ridiculous amount, and I am about to go and spend $3.01 on an order of crazy bread and red sauce... and I am toting around the H.P. books and it's on my mind 24/7. I'll probably be finishing the 1st movie tonight as I go to bed...

For your enjoyment...
The Trailer for the 6th movie -Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince
In Theaters July 17, 2009


sneak peak #1


sneak peak #2



Pathetic...?

I think so.

I have come to learn I'll only see you interrupting my dreams at night... And that's Alright.

Thank you to Ingrid Michalson for the title of this blog...

Now, I've had some pretty trippy dreams about Stanley, but this one tops everything. The graduation speech, the trip to Thailand, running over me with things, the deja vu moments like you wouldn't believe...the list goes on... This one has me puzzling. I've decided I want your opinion of it.

It's starts with me pulling up to his mothers house, which isn't really his mum's house it's a combination of his grandmothers, mine, and his mothers house... (made for massive amounts of space on the first two floors and an unfinished basement) I walked in and he greeted me as he would normally greet me. We talked and played around, until his mother came home. That's when I had to hide in the bathroom, and try to find a way to sneak out of the house. A door randomly appeared in the wall of the bathroom that led down a hallway, through his bedroom, to the staircase and out the exit in the basement. All the while her yelling "why is she here?" (this part made sense. Stanley hid me from his family when we first started dating, and then again I was hidden after we broke up and kept the friendship... I wound up giving him and ultimatum with each time as I was tired of his lying to his family... I took the ultimatums back because I felt bad, and he eventually told his family, or they called him out on it,or whatever... either way, it was the most annoying and frustrating experience of my life. I hated not being Jess, when someone would call and ask where he was, and who he was with.) I made a run for it. I came back later, with her in the house. I knew Stanley and I weren't speaking, but I wanted to see Hailey. (his sister, whom I fell in absolute love with the first time I met her. Oh my goodness, I adore that girl!!!) She led me to a room where Stanley wouldn't see me, as this time his mother didn't care if I was there or not. I still didn't run into her, nor did I care to see her. She still didn't like me, so I avoided her. Hailey and I talked for a bit. She asked me why I didn't love her anymore, or come to play. I explained to her she and I were still friends, it was just Stanley that didn't want to like me anymore. Stanley came down the stairs and I ran for it. He saw me, and I guess followed me. I got in my car and started driving down the road when I saw this incredible house, flipped a U and headed up the street towards this house. I parked turned and saw Stanley's emerald green passat flip the same U and pull up behind me. He said 'Hi' and followed me in. We wound up in this room climbing two ladders to a shelf of books and things, looking for the architecture book of the house. I couldn't see it between the math books, coloring books, spelling books, etc. of the children that lived in that house. Stanley jumped off his ladder and started pulling mine down to secure it. He said ladders that high were dangerous and could easily fall backwards. I leaned the ladder out so he could move it backwards, and down. My ladder went higher than his did, so he shrank it to make it the same height as his, and line up the ladder rungs so that both ladders were parallel, all the time wondering why on earth he was here. He hated me. I flat out asked him what he was doing there and what he wanted when he climbed back up and we found the book. He said he was curious as to what I was doing when I turned the car around. He wanted to see me, and make sure I was okay. My heart softened at this, but I was still unsure and defensive about the whole thing. I was about to ask him why... but then my mom walked in my room waking me up, and giving me baby for the morning. One can never go back to sleep with a fidgety baby in their arms...

So, I have an idea for what it means... but what are your opinions?

We Cannot Change What We Are... Only How We Are Percieved...

Amber, a close friend of my has a blog of her own. The link is http://amberdevaney.blogspot.com/ Her latest blog 'A Candle In The Dark' is one that has made me stop and think. I want you to read the entire post, but there were specific moments that held true to my heart, and I couldn't shake it from my mind. I need to express why. In this I will most likely wind up using names, and I apologize if it offends, or hurts anyone. That is not my intention. I only wish to portray a truth that needs to be shared by me, for me.

'The hardest battle you will ever face is the battle to be yourself. Doubting one's self is humanity's biggest folly. We find a comfortable area and cease to live beyond it. We follow shy tendencies and lack to share our personalities with new acquaintances. A candle in a room that is already lit does not seem nearly as bright as a candle in a room of blackness. I have noticed in my life that many people hold back who they truly are, or they put on a facade. In doing this we are burning ourselves out...'

'It is so wonderful to make friends simply by being yourself, and so much easier. Why do we worry about other's opinions of us? That answer is simple, insecurity. In order to touch the lives of others and not leave them questioning your intentions, one MUST be honest in all their doings. That means being honest about who you are and not hiding yourself from the world. Though some people may not like the person being presented to them, that is a hit we must all be willing to take. Lasting friendships and relationships are built on a foundation of honesty. If we are dancing to the rhythm of another's flame we are not only lying to ourselves, but lying to those around us. Be who you are in all matters, no one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.'

I chose a best friend that couldn't accept what I call 'my and/or the gift,' and so he never understood how on earth I could know certain things, or why I was almost always right in my opinions of people, or with the advise/opinions I would give. As a result of his not understanding how to accept the gifts and talents I have, it caused a friction between us. I never felt fully accepted by him, and he never felt he could entirely trust me because it seemed as though I was always hiding something from him. In truth, I was hiding what is likely to be the biggest part of me. If there is one thing in my life I would have to label as a regret it would be never being able to help him understand how I was able to do the things I am able to do. The best way to explain this is... He believed that I believed in my gift, but he didn't believe in it, nor could he accept what I would offer as an explanation of the gift because he couldn't understand the how, or more specifically the mechanics of it.

When I first meet people I come across as snobbish, or stuck up. Merely because I hold myself differently. I sit up straight, and I make eye contact with the speaker. I am cautious about whom I converse with, and I don't make an effort to be spotlighted, or made the center of attention. I speak only when I have something to say, and often times I'll leave without saying much of anything to anyone. Though, when someone stops me long enough to get to know me, on a personal level, I often hear I am a 'breath of fresh air,' 'one of the most genuine people,' and 'incredibly intuitive.' I find it difficult to open the interactions with new people. I prefer to take a step back and watch them first. Grow acquainted with how they are, and whom they present themselves to be before I find a comfort zone with whom I wish to approach, or be approached by. Not because I am snobbish, or censoring individuals... it's more, I am individual. A different color from the standard array of crayons in the crayon box. It takes someone who is incredibly open minded, and open to understanding something more. I am extremely spiritually driven. I don't go a day without conversing with my Heavenly Father, or my Savior. I won't leave my house if I can't feel some semblance of their presence, and I lead with my heart. If it doesn't feel right, I won't do it. If my intuition or my heart pushes me to do something, I will do it. No matter the expense, because I trust in my intuition, and my 'gift' enough to know that there is a reason behind the impressions I am receiving. (I know I am hopelessly confusing a lot of you, but I hope you catch the gist.) For instance, I always know when someone is lying to me. Whether or not I call you out on it at that specific moment is one thing, but know in the end, your lie will come out in the open and more often than not I make you own up to it. I can usually tell what you're thinking, or how your feeling. There are facts I am able to pull up whether you've made mention of them or not, and I always know the potential you have within you. When you talk about someone, I am almost always able to tell you if they will be a good influence in your life, or if they'll bring in misery, and a lot more confusion than what you need. In other words... toxic, or beneficial. There is more, but you wouldn't believe it if I told you.

The biggest reason Amber's blog affected me so intensely was because I've always hated the fact that I never felt this past friend of mine knew all of me, and so many others were able to accept what he wouldn't. It made a huge difference in how I would interact with him. It didn't make that friendship any less real. In fact it made me push harder to make it work. In the end, that inability to accept that side of me is where I lay the blame for the end of the relationship. He was hesitant to accept my opinion of things if it didn't fit in with what he wanted to hear. It had to be proven first. Unfortunately I took matters in to my own hands, and ironically enough... someone cared enough to jump through hoops to find me, and to read what I had to say. I'll never understand the why behind that, nor do I understand why someone who doesn't like me in the first place, would care so much about what I had to say. In the end it doesn't matter. What matters is that what I had to say effected more than just me. Everything is happening as it is supposed to be happening, but at what cost? In truth, I think that person was looking for a reason, and he found one because I gave it to him. I deviated from who I am for one moment. I hesitated, and acted against my own better judgement... and so, was surprised by the reaction, or over-reaction... instead of being able to feel the outcome before it happened. That is the worst of it. The moment we deny who we are, is the moment life hits us the very hardest with it...

Welsh...

They say if you always have song stuck in your head you're Welsh... It makes sense to me, but then... I'm a bit welsh...


...And yes. The following words are from the heart of a Joss Stone art piece...

Can't stop my mind from thinking of you
How am I supposed to function
Got me feelin' for your lips on my kiss
All night, never want no other lover

...Up till now my eyes could see Touch me once and it's all hazy
I don't know why and I don't know how But somehow some way you got me
I can't explain can't comprehend the world could reach its very end and all I focus on is him The way he moves, he found his groove there's nothing left to do but tell the world the truth Cause there's no way out. I love him. I feel him.
Oh I'm lovin' those hands

Put your hands on me baby
You got me flippy

Sensibility, Sensitivity, Sensuality...

Eyes closed, face lifted to the sky, drinking in the sun's warmth, as I walk barefoot through yard. Licentious... the only word I could possibly think of to describe the feeling of wiggling my toes through the grass, sun coloring my cheeks, my roses throwing tendrils of scented air through my hair, around my fingertips, and pulling up the corners of my lips. Ah, how I miss the sensualities that create the warm seasons. ...June... I cannot wait for June. Rain. Mmm, the gentle pitter pat of the drops hitting the world around you. Feeling the slip and wetness between your fingers as you spin gracing the kisses from the sky. When it rains I take my camera to a place called The Hollow. The colors are so vibrant, so unreal. The first time it rains this spring I think I will go to Murray's Jordan River Parkway Trail. There is a little white metal bridge hidden amongst the leaves with the word Dream etched into it's railings. I have an image in my head, and I am going to capture it. This year is going to be a one of a kind. Something is going to happen. I can feel it. I don't know what it is, but I know it's big. I'm excited, and afraid... but until then I will continue in my sensual adventures. Letting my heart lead the way...

Open Your Eyes, Heart, Mind... and just... Feel...

Putting Optimism To The Test...

I am one of those people that can't stand the doom and gloom side of things, and I can't stand it when other people live off of it. I wouldn't make a very good goth... I like color a bit too much... clothing, personality, view of things, etc... all must require color. So, I've been sitting thinking to myself, there are a lot of positives to the situation right now. I sat yesterday and sketched something out in my doodle-book that really caught my attention. Odd I know, to catch my own attention with my own doodle... I found words pouring out of me and onto the page around my doodle. I took a picture of it, and I think I will share with you both the positives I have found, and what I wrote because of it.

Positives:

*My pants fit. Thanks to the swelling from the infection my pants are finally starting to fit.
*I don't have a real job. I work with my dad, simply because he needs my help. If I had an actual job right now I'd be taking sick days, working with a very limited hour space as I have been putting the care of Cameron first. I feel as though home is where I am supposed to be and the fact that I haven't been able to find a job since my hospital adventure is kind of a reaffirmation of that for me.
*I have met some truly amazing people because the friendship with Stanley ended. I wouldn't have reached out and opened up had I not felt I needed to. With Stanley I had all I wanted with just one person, but with the benefit of engaging with so many different people I have the opportunity to grow from many different testimonies. Testimonies that are strong on their own, but are benefited from what we do together. (scripture study, ward prayer, FHE...etc)
*Sunnie and I have started going to the SLC temple again. OH WOW how I have missed that! The feeling of being there and being completely uplifted. I can't even express to you the feeling I get when I am there. The temple literally comes alive once the square empties out. You can feel it. It's truly amazing!
*I have been forced to rely on the Lord. Entirely. Last night at scripture study when I bore my testimony of the Atonement I surprised even myself. There were things I said that weren't from me. That in and of itself is enough strength to get me through whatever is next.
*I have had to do my Esther bible study by myself. I haven't been well enough to drive to Southeast Baptist, and I have learned so much just from having to pray for clarity and understanding, not having the introductory video before the week's study homework.

***To gaze upon the world without a thought of judgment... Set aside your prejudices, your misconceptions, and stereotypes. Take off your blinders and look around! Look at our communities, our street corners, our schools, and our homes. It's beautiful! Look at the people who walk by; pushing strollers, walking dogs, buying groceries. This Is Life! And life is beautiful! Let go of your shallow tendencies, and OBSERVE! Smile at your neighbor. Wave to the strangers, and pedestrians around you. Stop Ignoring Our World. February 21st, was the 51st anniversary of the peace sign. February 21, 1958. The symbol itself caused a revolution World Wide, people united, under a symbol and following that was the most revolutionary decade of this century. So Stop! For one moment. Stop text messaging, stop checking your email, facebook. Just Stop! Look around at the beauty you have and appreciate it! ~Peace & Love

Oh! Geez! I almost spaced this... Stanley got the internship he wanted. He is leaving for Thailand this summer. Wish him congratulations, and luck! (Don't give me that look. There are 2 things I wanted to know about Stanley. If he got the internship, and the Truman scholarship. Well, I found out this morning about the internship, and though I don't like the idea of his going to Thailand, he really wanted to go. So. Yes. Wish him congratulations. He is probably really excited. You'll also hear about the Truman when I hear about it, because I care about it.)

Return of The Killer Infection.

Yes, I am going to bring this out into the public. I think it is time. The infection is back. It has been for awhile. In fact the night a friendship was called everything off is the night I realized it personally. I chose not to deal with it then as I needed to deal with the emotional stuff that was going on at that moment. The stress from everything going on in my life however escalated things to a degree I hadn't expected. My lower torso is beginning to swell. I don't want to hit the hospitals again so I am asking you just send out a prayer or two. Faith, Fasting, and Prayer are what saved me last time, and I have no doubt that's what'll get me completly cured of this killing infection. It's been holed up in the appendix. Frustrating. I know. But! There is no point in being frustrated with the doctors, because as I said before, it'll show it's face when it's good and ready... it just likes to show up when my closest friends disappear. Haha! :) Ironic isn't it?

Hey, I had to find humor in this somewhere. "If you can laugh at it, you can live through it"

I have no doubt this is just another minor set back in my plans, but a step further in the Lord's. I have no reason to doubt him now. If you go to my life-through-lyrcs blog... you'll find the song I have been all but living off of lately, and one that hits a soft spot right now. I think some of you may enjoy them.

Love to all!

Why do people always tag me for these things? Is it because I'll actually do it...?

You know... I think it is because I will actually sit down and do them...

Five Things I Was Doing Five Years Ago (2004):
1 - That was the year I started dating Cory
2 - I went to the worst dentist in the history of this world.
3 - Theatre 4 - I was the junior in a senior class.
4 - Driving both Mr. Davis, and Willden, and my parents absolutely insane.
5 - Kicked my photography, and painting up 12 notches... it became my only outlet.

Five Things on Today's To-Do List
1 - Read, and complete the attourney papers
2 - Pick up Ambers birthday gift from B&N
3 - Play with Cameron
4 - Not go crazy, and keep Victoria from going crazy as well...
5 - Get my nails done.

Things I Would Do with a Million Dollars
1 - New car
2 - Buy a townhome...
3 - Pay off attourney, and prepare for ivy league tuition
4 - Buy a wardrobe that fit
5 - Invest it

Five Places I've Lived (this could be hard)
1 - SLC, UT
2 - Bountiful, UT
3 - South Jordan, UT
4 - Grass-somethimg-er-other in California for 6 months of my life
5 - Practically lived at Brooke's house...

Five Jobs I've Held
1 - Michaels Shoe Repair - I ran the front end
2 -Legacy Assisted Living - dining room server
3 - Smiths Market Place - Cashier
4 - Target - I was trained in every department, but I stayed in photo generally
5 - ... big sister/mother

Five Things I Want in Five Years
1 - Degree from an ivy league school, or close to finishing it.
2 - A new car with 4 wheel drive
3 - money-bahaha, that's funny
4 - hopefully a townhome wherever I am...
5 - A book published

Five People I Tag
1 - Toria
2 - Ris
3 - Melissa
4 - Amber
5 - Whomever has a desire to do it...

Christ As My Savior, I Will Stand.

If ever there was a time to stand... it is now.
"La Vérité ... est tout ce qui importe en la fin"
"The Truth... is all that matters in the end."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbpGl_9rrcA

YouTube Junkie...

I'm afraid I have become quite a bit of a youtube junkie. I sit and watch different things. From episodes of house, to music videos, to random what nots... much like these!

Lilly can barely talk and already she knows the world better than anyone... at least that I know. Sure, we all learned it for that one test in, what... 9th grade? Who remembers that kind of stuff? This kid could take Petersons class and wriggle an A out of her... Even old friar tuck herself would have to be impressed by this kid!

How awesome would that be? You could change outfits at the shake of a hankie...

Freak! If ever you wanted to see my daddy play... well this kid out does even him! My dad learned his improvs, but he can't go as fast as this kid goes. Man alive! You can't see his freaking arms!(it's almost all technique skills that you learn when you first start out. It isn't actual rhythms. It's like scales for the piano...I still think they sound cool)

Isn't he adorable! He's only 3 years old!

Bessie Curson... I love love love this performance!

why this makes me laugh every time... I'll never know...

I've always thought beat boxing was freaking awesome! This guy is wicked awesome!

Dude... I couldn't tell you the world capitals if my life depended on it. This kid is 2 years old and knows them all, not to mention all 50 states! There are 6 parts to his brilliance. This adorable little boy goes on and on forever! I LOVE him!

Each of us has our own special talents. These people have just had the opportunity to broaden their minds, and progress in their gifts faster than the rest of us. It's crazy how gifted we find we are when we put our minds to the things we enjoy, and the gifts the good Lord gave us!

Everything Can Change When You Least Expect It...

Okay, so... I know this is totally cheesy, but I love the lyrics of this song... and it totally fits how I am feeling right now. I. Am. happy. I know my personal life should be a depressing mess, but I am happy. I've accepted the conclusion that things would be better for us apart right now. If that changes in the future then let it change... in the future. I'm not going to wait for it, and I'm not going to think about it. I am going to focus on the here and now, and guess what... I have so many wonderful blessing in my life. I have so many new and wonderful people in my present reality. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to meet them had one of my number one priorities still been the happiness and security of Stanley. I hate to say it like that, but I did in fact have my priorities a little skewed. I hate that things had to end this way for me to re-arrange what needed to be re-arranged, but God has a funny way of making everything turn out alright in the end. There is a purpose to all of this, and I think Stanley and I will both be happier people because of everything that is happening. We will be better people, so yes... My heart broke again, and so did his. We seem to grow bigger, better, stronger from it everytime it has happened in the past, so I doubt that will have changed. I don't worry about him because he is a strong, determined person. I happen to be one too, so stop worrying about me, and help me focus on the future! Help us reach our goals by supporting us in this, and letting us be happy. I can't speak for him, but I know I haven't smiled this much in one day in a long time. I've had a month to accept things, and I did. We ended on a good note, don't spill my full glass! I am a happy person. I bounce back fairly quickly... obviously... Just listen to the lyrics. Laugh at me if you will... but give me that. I know good lyrics when I hear them. And you all have to agree with me... because you know I am right on this. Something is coming, I can feel it. It's going to be good. So, let it happen!

Happy Endings

The weather today was perfect. Rain. Happy Endings - Mika. I think I've hit the repeat button 20 times. There is no better song to express, and to summarize Stanley and I. From the first time he had me listen to it. Easter 2007... we were walking to Chris' house to play basket ball with Chris and Brooke. Somehow we wound up at my house. He slept over that night. (We both fell asleep on top of my bed while talking.) It rained then too. I woke up in the middle of the night when a crash of thunder shook the windows. Stanley startled by my sudden movement asked "Is everything okay honey?" I pointed out it was raining. He said, "oh, good" and rolled back over. We woke up at 6am. I drove him home then stopped back at Chris' house, hopped the fence to the backyard and got Stanley's phone from the grass next to the trampoline. It was soaked through, so I took it home, blow dried it out, and dragged Brooke with me to give it to him... I've finally let go. At about the 15th run through of this song tears finally came. We've ended on a positive note, but it has ended. Whether tonight was the last time I ever speak to him or not, I want to thank him for everything. Though, once again I may say a bit too much... ;) I know I've said it several times, but I wish you nothing but the best. I pray you find your happiness, and you reach your dreams. Harvard, Yale, Stanford, whichever you choose in the end. I know you'll do great things. You are an amazing person, and I consider myself to be extremely blessed to have had the opportunity to have known you on an intimate level. Thank you for letting me be your best friend for a time. You truly are one of the best people I know! I hope when you look at the Orion constellation you remember the night on the golf course, and what started from that. When you get caught in a down pour, I hope Daybreak crosses your mind. At those moments when you walk into a painting store, look for Jack Vettriano, and his Dancing Butler, Dancing To The End of Love. When Christmas time comes around, write a letter to that person you care the most for, because you'll never know just how much those letters mean. Remember the Red Tree, and if you would... keep it special. I know you'll make a great father, and you'll give your family everything in this world they could possibly want. Don't doubt yourself, because I promise, if anyone knows this about you... it would be me. Anyone that has the opportunity to get to know you, the way I got to know you is going to be all the better for it. Always remember you have a special place in my heart, and thank you... for all that you have given me!

For the official music video... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sl4WN-aOWDY

Goodbye For Now To The Orion Connection. Forever, For Always, and For Longer.

While the break may be clean, and complete right now I will forever hold out hope that maybe a pleasant acquaintanceship might be achieved in the future. Whether that be near or far. I will forever cherish what we had, and pray that maybe one day forgiveness rings true in your eyes. And when we run into one another we are able to wave, and send a whole hearted smile across the distance. I have no bitter feelings, thoughts, or wishes towards you, and I know in time you'll feel the same way. I want you to know you'll always have a special place in my heart, and that I love you Forever, For Always, and For Longer... As a true friend I've had in my life. Thank you for the memories, and the growth. I wish you well, and pray you are happy with what life has to offer you. I know you'll make your dreams come true. I'll be waiting to read your success story in some autobiography written by someone who doesn't actually know a thing about you outside of print. :) Good Luck with everything, and Thank You... for everything!

For the actual music video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZXHYItXWqE

I. Say. Yes.

I'm ready to scream...
I'm ready to confront you and tell you exactly what I think of you...
I'm ready to key your car
I'm ready to ruin your entire reputation with one simple word...
I'm ready to erase you from my heart...
I'm ready to embrace my life, my potiential, and my possiblities...

...I've been holding back who I am, and I'm letting go...

Stop telling me no!

Stop telling me Impossible.

I. Say. Yes.

I Am Single By Choice.

I am single because I choose to be single. It's just that simple. I enjoy being single. Odd as that may sound, it is no less true. I meet guys on a regular basis. Some of them creeps, some are genuinely nice guys... but not one of them ever makes it past the second date. I'll find some excuse to write them off. It isn't because I'm not attracted, or they aren't charming, sweet, gentlemanly, whatever... I am not ready to give up being single. It isn't I don't feel like I am ready to commit to a relationship; in truth... I just don't want to. I am at a selfish age right now, and I enjoy being the only person I need to take care of. Before you right me off as heartless, I stop and offer a helping hand to anyone that asks, but I don't have to. There isn't an obligation there for me to stretch out a hand. It's expected, it's anticipated from friends, but it isn't an obligation. It isn't something I feel like I have to do, and that is what makes all the difference. See, for me, in a relationship I feel tied down. I feel like I have to do extra little things for him. It's no longer because I want to, I'll do it because it's routine.

In the beginning of a relationship you have the custsie phrases. The constant flirting. And always dressing up for this guy that can't look you in the face half the time, but we take it as flattery. I will fully admit I lost myself to the world of men! I caught myself always making sure I was 'presentable' instead of comfortable. Take today for instance. I am trying to 1. Learn how to walk in heels. 2. Break in these heels. I have never before worn heels, but I am learning so I don't kill myself at this next wedding. Anyway, at first I was trying to mimic the women wearing heels. I'd never before taken 10 steps in a pair of heels and suddenly I am trying to spend a full day in them walking around The Gateway Mall with Marisa. On Valentines day of all days! I was shy, and sensitive to every glance that came my way. I couldn't let it show naturally because...well, that just isn't kosher, and I'd put myself in this ridiculous predicament. After a bit I stopped watching the other woman and started to focus on me, and how I was walking. Randomly, I found myself enjoying looking like a fool. I stopped caring, and as dorky as this sounds... I re-found my spirit. My flavor for life. The vivacious nature I had one point in my life before I dedicated it to making sure the current boy in my life was happy... before I did anything for myself. I know, the friends have been telling me this for ages... when I'd complain that I just wasn't happy anymore they'd tell me to stop and do something for myself. Go make myself happy for a change instead of taking care of everyone else. Don't misunderstand me, I live to make people happy. I love helping people, and being there for them... but when you lose yourself in that, it isn't healthy, and that is where the problems begin. Everything becomes routine, it's because you always do it, not because you want to be doing it. You find yourself under appreciated, and over stressed trying to make sure everyone else is taken care of while not going completely crazy yourself. Example: There was a boy I wasn't in any way attached to romantically and I still dropped everything for him because I had gotten so used to putting the boys first. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy doing the many things I did for him, making things a bit easier for him... It was, I did them because I had always done them. You won't catch a boy until you make him happy first... Wait... where did I pick that up from...?

In Utah we have the constant pressure of marriage placed upon us. It's become the norm for a girl to be married by 18, kids by 20. Anyone who hasn't fulfilled this... well, there just isn't any hope for them at all. They must be broken... and suddenly everyone thinks that is all they are out there to get. I myself am guilty for placing this label on people, and it's wrong! If I am happy being single, who's to say other women aren't the same exact way. It is possible to be single, simply... because you want to be single. It is a choice. For those of you that will scoff at this and say, I want a boyfriend... but I just can't find one. Here is the trick... don't close yourself off to the idea of dating. (ready for this revolutionary and oh so original idea?) Learn to enjoy where you are in life. I don't know anyone who enjoys being with consitently unhappy people, all the time. Accept that whatever happens will happen. I was so unhappy with the guys because A. I enjoy being single. B. I didn't like where I was, and I was blaming them. It wasn't the guys, it was me! I loved talking to these guys over facebook, texting, etc. When we met in person the whole thing went to pot. I was finding ways to avoid their texts, or to suddenly skip out on meeting them. I didn't want to. I liked just talking, and keeping the flirting to print. I couldn't understand why. Well, I love being selfish little me and I didn't want to share my world. I don't want to have to make a change and compromise how I am right now... and that is okay! Thanks to the social norm and the fact that practically half my graduating class is married, and 1/4th is pregnant with their 1st or 2nd child didn't help things. I felt like I was supposed to have a boyfriend. I felt that I was letting someone down because when I went to bed at night I couldn't hide from the fact that I really didn't want one. I don't have to want one, and I don't have to have one... I also don't have to sabotage the dates, or the conversations after the 2nd date. It's okay to say no, and it's okay to enjoy being Just Jess...

I am single by choice, and I am proud of this choice at this point in time. I have goals that I want to accomplish before I start actively pursuing a serious relationship with anyone. If I find myself moving towards one, then so be it... but I refuse to look for one because I feel like I should... Just because of where I live. I am 21 in a few weeks, and I'm am going to fully enjoy being a single, happy, person for the next while!

Karma Say What!?

One of the very last things Stanley said to me was "Karma is a Bitch" and well... while I think that whole thing has more to do with him than anything else, I think Karma is playing with my playlist making skills... Every time I make a playlist I wind up laughing out loud at the irony of the songs, and the organization. Take the newest one for example...

Parade Of Happy Endings

I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair) - Sandi Thom
Happy Endings - Mika
Other Side Of The World - KT Tunstall
Bones - The Killers
I Don't Love You - My Chemical Romance
You Had Me - Joss Stone
New Soul - Yael Naim
Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) - Mika
Never Again - Kelly Clarkson
Hometown Glory - Adele
Sunset Borderline - Sandi Thom
The Story - Brandi Carlile
Mercy - Duffy
Violet Hill - Coldplay
Supper Massive Black Hole - Muse
When I'm Gone - Simple Plan
Parades - Allred
Put Your Hands On Me - Joss Stone

Now with some of these songs there is a story, but I really don't care to broadcast that across the Internet... so if you really want to know the story, text me, or email me! missjessmeredith@hotmail.com

Peace and Love...

P.S. For those of you who don't know, yes... my hair does in fact have dark violet panels in it... and I think it's freaking awesome! It will most likely stay for awhile.

Back In Touch With Reality...

Well, as many of you know I have been un-reachable for the past few days. My phone has been dead, and I was rather slow about replacing it. I will tell you right now, if it weren't for the absolute necessity of having a cell phone with me at all times (thank you health issues.) I would simply turn the thing off and enjoy the blissful peace that follows with the knowledge that I could disappear fully and entirely and no one would know where or how to find me. I have been more relaxed in those days without a phone than I have been in years. I didn't have to worry about who was calling, or why they were calling, or needing to check up on this or that... goodness! It did get a bit scary driving by myself knowing if anything happened I couldn't call for help... Though I enjoyed my short lived vacation I am back in touch with reality, and technology. I have been given a very high tech phone, and I'm finding I enjoy it, though it's been kicking my trash when it comes to texting speed. Those of you who have ever seen me on my phone know I was a wicked fast texter... it happens when it's your only means of communicating for 4 weeks of your life... Kara, darling girl, has given me a Motorolla Q Smart Phone. It's going to take some getting used to, but I am excited! When Kara said she had a phone I could have; I expected an older standard phone. You know, one of those flip phones everyone had when we were in high school. I was floored when she handed me the box with this phone. I am so thankful I have so many wonderful friends, new and old that are always so willing to stop and help no matter what the need is!

This is what the phone looks like. You'll have to be patient with me while I get acquainted with the in's and out's of this phone. I'll get it eventually!

For an update of everything... I've been getting to know a few people better, and it's been really exciting for me! These were people I've known from a distance for some time. Two in particular I met in high school, but we didn't ever talk until this past year. For some reason, they've come into the forefront and we've been talking fairly regularly. I find I am learning a lot from these individuals, and I am excited to see where things go! Also, there is a group of people in my singles ward that I've been associating with more and more. I am so grateful to have met these people. I actually sat and watched the superbowl for the first time in my life with them... Never though that would happen! I find myself looking forward to the Sunday lessons, and ward prayer afterwards. I remember aobut FHE, and I'm actually excited to go. Not because they will be there, but because I want to be there. I've always loved church, and being in a place that is spiritually uplifting, but never really felt I fit in. This ward did so much for me while I was in the hospital, and I will be forever in their debt, but I am so different from other ward members I tend to recieve odd looks when I speak up. I'm a bit more open-minded than most Mormons, and I find it creates a barrier between some of the more staunch members. I am completely accepted by this particular group of people and I think it's because the core 3 people and I have similar views on the difference between being LDS and being Mormon... It's been really nice being able to talk religion with someone, and not be judged because I say there is a huge difference between the gospel and the church.

I have been working with my daddy at his store for the past several weeks, and it's been going wonderfully! Papa and I have been getting along beautifully, and we've been able to get quite a bit done. We've gotten all the tv commercials filmed, and we're done with the main web videos for his shoe repair. Even the website is nearly finished. I love watching my daddy get so excited about how far we've come. We're very similar my dad and I, this is both a blessing and a curse. I am very stubborn and strong-willed, and I believe what I believe. I get a lot of that from him. It is great when we agree, but when we differ all Hell breaks loose. Though, it has made me a better person, I think. I wouldn't be as strong in my faith and in what I believe and the goals I have for myself if my daddy didn't challenge me to be that way.

My mom and I are so close to resolving the financial issues from the hospital adventure last summer, and that has been an enormous stress relief let me tell you what! I can't wait to have that over and done with so I can get back to school, and back on track with the plan I have for myself!

The week of the cruise went smoothly. I very nearly killed 'The Woman,' but stood my ground, and kept my temper in check. Thanks largely to the priesthood blessing I recieved from Gerry Graves, and his son Jacob Graves. Alaina and I were able to see the Draper Temple in the middle of all of this. Simply gorgeous! My family came home sunday night. Cameron was happy to see his parents again, but things are a bit different. It's been interesting these past few days. He's super sensitive, and testy. He refuses to sleep for longer than an hour unless he's in my arms, or he's with my mom being fed. My dad suggested we spray my pillow with my perfume, turn my bed on to a low heat and see if he'll sleep that way. My arms are rather tired from always having that adorable baby in my arms... Not to mention I'm rather bruised at the moment. I think my depth perception is broken yet again, as I have a bruise from every door, door-nob, door-frame, corner, or piece of furniture/machinery from both my house and my daddy's store.

Well, my nausea has gotten ahold of me again. I am going to try to see if I can't find some sort of rest tonight. I so hope they figure out what is wrong with my body, and soon!

I want my ibuprofen back! I have a migraine!

** Don't know why these are so much fun! (?) ***
Things you have done during your lifetime:
(X Not my favorite activity...) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
(X (great grandmother)I watched people watch me when I was dying, and I watched myself slowly deteriorate for 4 years... does that count?) Watched someone die
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawai
(X) Been on a plane
(X Lifelight - oddly it was windy in the helicopter...) Been on a helicopter
(X) Been lost
(X) Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X frequently, Midnight walmart runs...) Paid for a meal with coins only
(X) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(X many times. Strangely always accidental if it was negative. I'm trying to pay more attention now) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
(X I have some wickedly funny stories) Made prank phone calls
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X *no comments please. Though I will say... HOMERUN ;)*) Danced in the rain-naked
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(Well, Stanley had me pretend there was mistletoe one year... does that count?) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States
(X) Been in a hot air balloon
(X) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(X) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
( ) Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Been on a cruise
(X) Traveled by train
(X) Traveled by motorcycle
(X) Been horse back riding
(X) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
(X) Been to Disneyland
( ) Been to Disney World
(X) Truly believe in the power of prayer
(X) Been in a rain forest
(X) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
(X) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins
(X) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
(X) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to a Major League Baseball game
( ) Been to a National Football League game

...I Love Jesus... But I Drink A Little...

Victoria sent this youtube video to me. It's from Ellen. (Talk Show...) I thought is was hysterical!

Enjoy!




P.S. I love my new hair color!

Missing My Baby...

Gazing at me with those big beautiful blue eyes. One hand entangled in my hair, the other grasping the chain around my neck. This little boy was not going to let go. I had no intentions of leaving him alone. We have a connection baby and I. I take care of what he needs, and he just loves me. He misses his momma. I'm the closest he's got, and he's clinging to me. 'Baby' has stolen my whole heart. It's been just the 2 of us for the past 6 nights. Our family doesn't return home until Monday. Althea (My mom's mother...) has been watching the 2 little girls (Miranda-9, Emma-6) and baby during the day while I manage the Shoe Repair. He sleeps in my arms every night. He won't settle down with anyone else. The moment I walk in the door he wriggles, squirms, and cries until I take him up and hold him close. I find myself lost in those big expressive eyes of his, waiting for his smiles, and the sweet baby noises. I spend my mornings with him, and look forward to my evenings. This lovely boy hasn't had colic at all. He simply coos, and chatters at me while we play classical music in the background and get him all ready for bed. He loves curling up with the baby blue fleece blanket I have in my room. He sleeps with one hand holding onto my shirt, and the other holding the blue blanket to his face. He got to talk to momma yesterday when she called from the port. Anytime he'd hear her voice he'd start bubbling over with noises. Telling her all about his adventures. His face was so animated, his eyes all lit up. He knew her voice. When the phone line when quiet he rested his head on my shoulder and pressed his little face into my neck. He whimpered when I left for work, and woke up the instant he heard my voice when I walked in the door that evening. Last night my poor baby wouldn't settle for anything less than laying with his head over my heart, one hand tangled in my hair, he'd twisted his tiny fingers in the silver chain around my neck. I pulled the blue fleece blanket up around us and we curled up together in my already warm bed. (Thank the Lord for my heated mattress!) At about 3am I gave up trying to lay him on his side, right next to me. I gave in and just let him sleep with his head over my heart. This morning I couldn't get him to settle down for the life of me. I had to be with him, or at the very least within eye sight. He would not have it any other way. He sat and watched while I got ready for the day. Chattered and smiled while I got him bathed and dressed. He was calm and happy until the time came for me to leave him with Althea. That baby was not happy with me. The disappointment and abandonment rang clear in his baby eyes, and dang it his tear ducts have started to produce tears. My heart broke. I felt like a horrible person for leaving him. No parents until Monday night. I'm all he's got until they come home, and here I was abandoning him again. How I am going to manage it when I have my own children, if I have a hard time leaving my brother I'll never know. I've gotten used to him sleeping with me all night. I don't know what I'm going to do when it goes back to our normal routine of him coming into my room at 5am while our mom gets ready, and leaves for work.

P.S. On a lighter note, tomorrow it's out with the blue panels, and back with the red... only we're doing a vr instead of an rv this time... (violet/red vs red/violet.)

It's Better To Say To Much Than Never To Say What You Needed To Say Again...

Say - John Mayer
I can't stand when I get the distinct impression someone has something they want to say to me. When I know they have something they want me to know, understand, etc... Just say it! "It's better to say too much, then never to say what you needed to say again..."