Words Of Caution...

When you look for something, you will find it.

Even, if only in your mind.

If you look for hidden meaning, you will find one.

No matter how small.

If you suspect ulterior motives, they will be there.

Anything will do.

Stop reading between the lines, and read what is boldly printed.

You'll find the truth was never hidden from you...

Open Window In A Closed Room Of Confusion

Have you ever felt you were meant for something greater than what you were doing, but felt trapped by your situation and lack of means to attain your greatest dream? Were you stuck in a day dream with no map, car, or key to find your way around to the golden treasure in your reality? Lost in the confusion of the world. No idea where to start, or how to even get to a starting place. Knowing what you want, but unable to reach the means to make it happen. Once upon a time you had a plan of action, and you did what was necessary, but it all fell through because you had no more support. Told over and over again what you wanted was a nice dream, but was only that, a dream. After so many times it gets beaten into you, and you begin to believe it. It's hard to want great things. It's even harder to attain the impossible when you feel so small and helpless. It's frustrating to be told, it's okay, I felt the same thing, you'll get there eventually. Though they may be right, and you will make it, if you keep pushing towards it... how are you supposed to believe them when they say "I know how that feels" or "I've been there" when every situation is so different. You can't follow their steps because their dream isn't your dream. It's nice to know you aren't the only one struggling, but knowing that doesn't always fix the problem. It takes perseverance, and strength. You have to be self motivated, and able to stay driven despite the many trials thrown your way. There are moments when you have to believe in yourself, and throw everyone else into the background. There are days when the only thing you want is someone to tell you, 'You can do this, it isn't impossible,' or 'I am so proud of you.' Because those of us who dream of the impossible know that it doesn't happen in just one day. It takes a lot of effort, and there are so many steps to climb before you even get amongst the stars. Standing at the bottom looking up is terrifying. Often times you can't see the end, it's just a picture in your head. You hope you've chosen the right staircase, and the right shoes for that long climb ahead. First goes the right foot, and then the left. Step by step you climb higher and higher, soon you can't see the bottom and you still can't see the top. It gets hard, and you get tired. It's when you sit down in tears and the impossible really does seem just that. Impossible. When you reach that point of exhaustion; When you can't fight the voices in your head telling you, "you can't." When your support group leaves, and the day turns to night, you have to make a choice. You have to decide whether to get up, and keep going despite the tears streaming down your face and the bruises on your feet, or pull the I quit handle to your left, and slide down to the bottom of the staircase. You have to choose if giving up on everything, dealing with the I told your so's, and living with your what-if's and regret is easier... Or is that dream in your eyes worth everything you've already been through. That curious feeling that alights in your heart when you picture yourself at the top, smiling, and the pride you feel for yourself when you finally reach the impossible.

The choice is ultimately yours, and if it is important enough to you, there will be a window somewhere in that room of confusion. You just have to keep searching, and watching for the glimmer of glass, and a slight of air passing through the cracked window frame. Pull it open, and hop through. If you keep going, and trust in yourself, you'll find your staircase, you'll be able to start the climb, and you will make it to the top.

Fathers Day... Gustafson Style

Cameron learning to splash around in the middle of the street... We are such a cool family! Ha! Haha! Hahaha! My Daddy lives for his children. This is how he chose to spend his Fathers Day: Outside in the rain with his kids, avoiding the In-laws who were indoors. ;) We told stories, reminisced about past storms, our time in Bountiful, and of course daddy told some of his hilarious childhood stories. You'd be hard put to out do my daddy when it comes to funny childhood stories. We rarely hear the same story twice, but we always end up in stitches!

Standing As Light In A Brooding Darkness

This is not going to be my typical happy ending post. I am appalled. I am hurt. I am alight with anger. I am not going to take it in silence any longer. In this mixed up, messed up world we live in, it has suddenly become the norm to blame people for every blasted little thing! No matter how far the issue is stretched, the outcome is always the fault of someone else. What happened to blaming the situation? What happened to the common understanding that it "takes two to tango?" I am not here to single any one out. I am not pointing my finger at any one person, nor do I have anyone in particular I am thinking of. I just don't understand why it is necessary to lay blame anyone at all! Bugger it I say. Throw it away. Blame is useless. It attains nothing, and goes no where. The who's fault is who's dance goes around in circles. It makes everyone sickly dizzy.

Let Me Explain:

You come home to your room having been cleaned, organized, and decorated at your return home from a holiday trip. In stead of thanking them and smiling at the work your family and friends did for you, you run screaming about an invasion of privacy, and no respect for your property. You stew over it for weeks, striking out at anyone and everyone you live with. Making yourself, and those around you miserable. Or pehaps... A friend is in a horrifying situation. So, like any good friend, you worry, you stress, and you pray. The worry has made you sick, the stress has fumbled your thoughts, so you stay home from work that day. As time passes your friend pulls out of it, and life continues on as normal as possible. Wait a minute, No! It can't carry on as normal because you missed a day of work! It is no longer gratitude for being able to spend another day with them, it's suddenly their fault you missed work. Next thing you know feelings of bitterness and anger arise. Well, that sucks for you! It should be a compliment you had a bond with someone deep enough to be effected that greatly... There are many scenario's like these that I have painted, but I think you get the point. I would feel sorry for those people who need to blame someone for every little thing that goes wrong in their life, but I don't see what my pity would do for them. Wouldn't it be better if you simply let go of the bitterness?

Oh! And one more thing...

Lies. Useless. I don't care how small a lie is, or how "white" it seems to be. A lie, is a lie, is a lie! It's just an excuse you say? Wrong! An excuse is a lie you tell yourself to rid your heart of guilt. OH! But! They'll never know...! Whether that is true or not, how can you live with yourself knowing the real truth of the situation. Replace a few words, drop a few facts, it isn't a lie per se, it's a new truth... No! A simple re-phrasing, or minimizing of the truth is still a lie. I don't care if you don't agree, every person has a right to know the truth, the WHOLE BLASTED TRUTH. Try a moment of truth. I promise, the clear taste will leave you forever wanting more... If you aren't willing to tell it, I am. I'll deal with the consequences, no fear!

I am not afraid to walk alone. I am not afraid to stand up for what I believe in. I am not afraid of accepting responsibility for my actions. I am not afraid of being independent. I feel no need to lay blame on any one person. I see no point in lying, or playing the role of mouse. I am not invisible, and my opinions are my opinions. I am stubborn. I am head strong, and yes, I am a fiery soul. There is no point in trying to tie me down, or talk reason when I am determined to do something. Especially when I know I am right, and in both situations I am right! I have every right to defend myself. I have my side of the truth, and I will shed what light I can.

I am sorry if anyone feels I am being judgemental, stepping out of bounds, or singling anyone out in saying this ... but I make no apology for my beliefs, thoughts and feelings. This is my place to state my opinions. That is the beauty of an opinion, you can have one, and not be agreed with. In the end, you will do what you feel is right, and I will do the same.

Priceless Individuals...

What is the cost of a life? We are all told we are priceless. That no number or store barcode could ever label us. There are those that will disagree. I was given a price value to save my life. I was given a number to identify just how much my life was worth to the world... but I was not given a barcode label to show just how much living life was going to be worth to me. In the eyes of the medical world, my price totaled an astounding $204,955.65. Did your heart stop for a moment there too? I'll tell you, when I finally totaled everything up, mine certainly stopped, my jaw dropped, and I had to double take to finally process the number. I went through and assessed each and every expense. From the cost of the ICU rooms, to the ambulance/helicopter, to the medications I was delivered, and the in-home healthcare... I had over 48 different billing companies trying to contact me. All but 3 of them are medical. I was given a price for my life, but not a price of living my life. To have the ability to wake up to a new day, to get up, walk around, and take a deep breath. That is priceless. To see the people, places, and things I have been blessed with. To be able to dance in the rain, feel emotion, and play in the sun. That is priceless. To feel the love of a Heavenly Father. To be a part of a family that will see you through all that life has to offer and throw at at you. To have friends that will stand by your side, and love you through your stupid quirks, and idiotic phrases... that is priceless. For the world, all is monetary means. It is the expense of a house, clothing, and the sustenance we need to survive. The world will tell us the average man ($25,000.00 annual) with a mid-sized family will spend anywhere between $40,000.00-$65,000.00 annually; and that is just housing, clothing, food, and transportation. Where are the numbers for the worth of a life? And, how do you put a price on a life? You cannot. Remember, Faith makes things possible, not easy. You simply have to learn to live, love, and let live. Happiness is a way of being, it is the way you choose to live your life. I am priceless, because I choose to be. To be alive is worth everything in this world. The price of your life, is yours to decide. I hope you deem yourself priceless, and I pray you live your life in a way that continually proves that belief.

Always Will I Remember...

Daddy's Girl

All my life I've wondered

Does the man who created me, love me?

Through photographs and old memories I have plundered

I love the dad I knew

But a piece of my heart was missing.

I needed the truth only one could construe

A fierce search I began

I was desperate for answers

I had to find this far away man

Though many years passed

I never gave up hope

I had to find the man of my past

I saw a light finally shine in the dark

I found the man I so desperately sought

From the first moment there was a spark

I knew my search was through

Forever will I be my daddy's girl

Always will I remember, the day he first said "I Love You"

My darling friend Victoria Lastoria has recently found her biological father. Her story isn't one that is commonly replicated. She lived with her biological mother, and was adopted by her mother's second husband. Victoria still loves the father she knew fiercely, though he has since passed away. But she needed to know where exactly she had come from. (Don't we all have the desire. To know all of what makes us who we are?) It has taken years to find this man from her past. This guy who was a piece of her, though she had never met him. She was so excited when she finally found him, and loved him from the first moment she saw him. Knowing I love words, and having asked me for help with poetry previously, she requested I write a poem for her to give to him for fathers day. Together we tried to create the story with a few simple stanzas. Amber K. finalized it all with attaching the poem to a picture of Victoria. Pleased with the final product, she framed it. All of this was Victoria's idea, and I think it is beautiful! I really like the work we did, and so I am sharing it with you. I switched the last line a bit after we had completed it all, but either way. It really is perfect! Absolutely perfect!

Lost In The War

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. - Jules de Gaultier

In the days of old, men, women, and children ran around hoping for a new day. A new world. A better way of life. It hasn't changed much in the present days. Everyone is running around, trying to keep up with technology, and the fast paced way of a city that never sleeps. It happened one day, standing in the middle of Salt Lake City. It hit me. I was the only one with a smile. I had my sandles in one hand, the other was open. Letting the air pass through my fingers. I had been lost in a day dream. In the middle of a busy city. I was walking to a meeting, only I wasn't in a hurry. I didn't feel rushed. Though I was closer to my time marker than I'd have liked to have been. My eyes were on the clouds, watching them hurry past, and wondering what it would be like to fly through them. I really am very child like, and in truth I don't mind. When did losing innocence become part of growing up? You can be adult and still love playing in the grass, swinging on the swings, and finding shapes in the clouds. It's the simple things in this life that bring about the simple joys. Hasn't it been said Joy stays longer than happiness. Happiness is fleeting, but joy is eternal. Why then are we all lost in the war of reality? The fear of and from war is more crippling than the actual happen stance. Why not then brave the smoke filled sky. Pray for rain to clear the air, and notice the colors around you. If you fly high enough, you'll find the sky is always blue. Don't lose touch with reality. Every kite has a tie to the ground, but those that fly in the wind see much more than those standing in the shadows of a tree, afraid of getting stuck in the branches.

...If you fly high enough, you'll find the sky is always blue...

So Clear. So Crisp. So Alive

Wandering around outside this evening. Enjoying the music in my head, and dancing along with the rain. It was a beautiful sight. God truly is the master hand of this art piece. His paint brush is one to be admired, and sought after. Even in the dark I could see every leaf on the branches of the trees. I could see the color, and even more I could feel the life around me. It was as though my eyes were clear from the every day strife that clouds our vision from moment to moment. All I wanted to do in that moment was fly through the sky. To see the lights reflecting off of the clouds making a second sunset. To fly through the sky and be a part of the blue you only get in the twilight of night. The night air was so clear. So crisp. So alive. So pure...

What a world we live in, when a simple walk home enlightens such truths. When the simple things bring about the richest joys. When each day is a new adventure.

Independent = Intimidating

It's been said that the independent woman is the Trojan horse to a guy's confidence. I have found that to be true. Independence alone is enough, but there are other factors that play into unknowingly intimidating a guy.

According to the average man,attractive, independent, assertive, successful women are the biggest intimidators.

And I quote:

K. G. "Uhm, overwhelming beauty, superior intellect or ablility, and incompatible personality, or a combination of the above can intimidate. Generally speaking. There can be a lot of other factors, but not knowing the guy that's just what sprang to my mind. For Starters. Not many men are raised or taught to deal with such a woman. Common response is to conquer the subdue instead of share and support. Next common would be to run or hide. Lol. The rare response would be to offer to join forces and conquer the world together."(No, he is not a gamer, nerd, or creep. He's simply a kid wtih an excellent sense of humor.)

D.P. "Women who are confident in themselves are often intimidating, which is funny because that is actually what a man wants. I went on a date with a woman who had her masters degree and that was incredibly intimidating, but she was also 4 years older, which played a part. Then there are some girls who just give off a vibe that is intimidating. They seem to say you can be my friend, but once you start getting romantically involved you're history. So, the way a girl can act is also intimidating. You want to be open, inviting, and friendly."

S.G. "The need to assert your independence and control at every opportunity." When he asked if this was about me, I said if you think I am intimidating, please tell me why. He responded with: "You're fiercely independent Jessica. Contrary to popular belief, men (the ones that are looking for more than hassle-free sex anyway) want to take care of the women they care about."

A. N. "Attitude the way you present yourself. Stuff like that."

M.L. " You might make them feel less of a man because you seem to be more intellectual than him. Or you could just be hotter than he is use to. If you're intimidating then it just may show some insecurities in him. Which is good if he has courage to rise to the occasion. If he is overly cocky or won't try that's not as good."

T.T. "Oh my! I guess someone who is overly assertive and constantly seeks control."

N.C." Depends on the guy but it could be a lot of different things. Bluntness, bossy, more successful, smarter, stronger... it's mostly an insecurity thing."

Z.H. "Honestly one of the biggest is how pretty they are... a lot of guys think that if she is really pretty then she is out of his league. Another could be that she doesn't acknowledge him so he assumes she's not interested."

T.P. "Several things. Generally to nice guys it's because they thing you're too good for them. Other guys it's because you're better at something or you are straight forward. Maybe you make too much money."

D.B. "There are a few things that come to mind. 1) he likes her. 2) She is hard to read. 3) She has an influence or control over his current situation. Independent! That is a good one all on it's own." When asked what it meant to be assertive in guy language he responded with: "Confident and aggressive would be how I see it. Keep in mind this doesn't fit all guys. I think assertiveness is good, as long as it's not overbearing. It's sort of a conundrum really."

C.G. "Hmmm... to be honest, attitude and demeanor is intimidating to me for both sexes. Appearance takes a back seat." When asked about assertive mannerisms he said: "Being the first to act and knowing what you want. Assertive is generally a good thing. That's very strange."

I hear guys complaining all the time about clingy and expensive women. The girl who acts like a puppy dog,and demands you financially support her when just dating. So, where do we find the balance between being too assertive and independent, and being far too clingy? This, it would seem, is the question. And it once again reverts back to the thought Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus... For me personally, I love being an independent woman. I played the roll of timid puppy dog once upon a time, and I found I would rather be dynamic than a mouse. If that means I am intimidating, I would have to say to you men out there... Grow some legs, walk out of the pansy patch. Try getting to know us independent women. You'll find most of us have a tender and nurturing side.

For the women who need a kick and giggle, read this blog post by Lynn Price: http://lynnprice1.blogspot.com/2008/08/women-vs-men.html

Age Progression...

In my boredom during this, the longest week of my life... I sat down and compared pictures of Cameron and I...

This is where I wound up...

Cameron at 4 months, Me at 5 months, and Cameron a week from the 6 month mark.

...Now tell me the kid doesn't look like a Gustafson...

And where did we get the almond eyes? Neither of our parents have them. He and I are the only ones with that eye shape in our family... I find it pretty fantastic, and a smidge hilarious!

Writers Block...

Where oh where has my muse gone?
There is no more creativity to break the dawn.

Everything sounds the same

And I haven't anyone to blame

Oi Muse!

Where is your excuse!?

Come back please!

I have audiences to appease!

No twist of words is clever enough

How obvious is this bluff!

I could find better writing on a bathroom stall.

I have hit a thick writers wall...

Whoops! ... Note: I am blonde...

Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity to serve at the Oquirrh Mountain Utah Temple Open House. I was the people counter at the front of the temple. At the beginning of my shift a group of 3 men come to the doors. The 3 men shook my hand and asked how I was, and if I enjoyed what I was doing. I was enjoying myself thoroughly and told them so. I had been laughing with a couple of the people I was surrounded by. (the young women were there to assist in taking pictures. And, Julio L. was there as security.) One of the men introduced himself as Elder Cook. I smiled and shook his hand. I had no idea who this man was. I knew the title elder was significant, but it wasn't until a large group of men and a few women came through and entered the temple that I was informed of exactly who this man was. Julio walked up and asked if I knew what was going on. I pointed through the window to a man with a blue yamaka. I explained that he was a Jewish dignitary. Julio then asked if I had seen Elder Cook. I said yes, he introduced himself as he walked past. I asked exactly who he was because everyone was making such a fuss. He responded with a look of surprise and shock. "Are you kidding? That is Elder Cook... of the quorum of the 12 Apostles..." I had to laugh at myself. I honestly had no idea. He proceeded to tease and harass me about my lack of knowledge in the world of my own religion, and yet I could tell by sight that the men he was guiding were Jewish dignitaries... Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the Internet I am in fact the worst Mormon identifier on this planet. I could identify the 3 men of the presidency, but the other 12 apostles... No. The other 2 men were from the 70 or something of that nature, and I still have no idea who they were either. It was a lesson well learned. Maybe Julio is right. Perhaps I should start attending all 3 meetings again, AND read the Ensign... which might be infinitely easier if I actually had access to an Ensign subscription...

My next scheduled temple shift is the 17th. From 3-8pm. I am super excited! The tickets and reservations can be found and made at http://www.lds.org/. There is a place for you to choose what day and time you would like, and how many you need. Print them off and you are ready to go! And! Yes, you do actually have to make a reservation. Absolutely everyone is welcome. Tickets are free, but you will NOT be let in without one! We ask that you do not take pictures inside of the temple, but you are free and welcome to take as many as you wish OUTSIDE of the the temple.

Live by Faith and Not by Fear
Quentin L. Cook

New Moon