Oh The Complications Of The Heart...

"Your stuff is good."

"Not good enough."

"Look, why not?"

"I want to draw something that means something to somebody you know. I want to draw blind faith, or a fading summer, or just a moment of clarity. Like when you go and see a really great band live for the first time you know. Nobody is saying it, but you're all thinking it. You have something to believe in again. I want to draw that feeling. But, I can't. And if I can't be great at it, then I don't want to ruin it. It's too important to me."

E. E. Cummings wrote: To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

Can a person ever truly understand a piece of art. Is there even a way to fully comprehend all that is said in a simple poem.

This is Just to Say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

A Glance is never enough to capture all that is surrounding you. A song won't encompass every detail of an emotion. A Picture only speaks a thousand words, and our line of sight only goes so far... but possibilities don't. A work of Art is the heart of an artist. It is a piece of who they are, and all we find is a meaning for us. We are a selfish people, in a selfish world. We struggle to understand another persons reasoning, or their pain. We try, but we can't because it isn't our own. We can only sympathize, empathize to our own level of experience, and even then if you were to write a song, create a sculpture, or paint a picture... you are limited to a thousand words, 3 stanzas, a bridge, and a chorus to depict an emotion not even you fully understand. Every time your song was sung by someone new, each person that runs their fingers along the lines of your sculpture, loses themselves in your painting... you find an aspect you didn't realize you had placed in there. It is both a great and horrible feeling. Gratitude and a happy tenderness at being able to touch someone else, mixed with a sad pang of disappointment at not catching that piece of your heart hidden in your creation before you displayed it to the world to find for you. We are a selfish people with selfish moments. A number of songs go unheard because we are all singing. No one stops to listen anymore. We are all too busy pushing to be felt, and appreciated. We strive too hard to make our artwork known, but how can we ever be expected to be discovered if we don't first discover someone else...

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours. - Ayn Rand

Oh the complications of the heart...

Living Work Of Art In Every Door I walk Through.

We all wish for greatness. We all think we are going to be great. And we feel a bit robbed when our expectations aren't met. But sometimes our expectations fall a little short. Sometimes the expected pales in comparison to the unexpected. It makes a person wonder why we cling to our expectations. The expected is what keeps us steady. Standing. Still. The expected is usually just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives.

Have you ever fought with yourself, blared the music, or run away with your hands over your ears humming loudly purely to distract yourself from the thoughts of someone. Have you ever been haunted by a memory, followed by the thought of someone you know, or want to know... Only to find they turn up at the most random of moments... Wouldn't it then stand to reason, if you can't remove someone from your head, perhaps they are supposed to be there... Be it for better or worse. Perhaps you are the one person that will change their life. Maybe you are that push they need to go back to church, school, or repair their marriage. You never know the influence you have, or how far what you say or do will go. When you leave a person, how long will your imprint be on their heart. Is it for the better, or will they forever curse your name. Have you ever taken a snap shot, and looked back on it later only to notice a stranger in the background. It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other peoples lives have we been in. Were you there as their dreams came true, or were you there when their hopes were dashed from behind them. Did you keep trying to get in as if you were somehow destined to be there, or did the shot take you by surprise. Just think... you could be a big part of someone's life and not know it.

Where I live is just a place somewhere in the world. Maybe it's a lot like your world, maybe it isn't anything like it... but if you stop long enough, and pay close enough attention, maybe, just maybe, you'll find someone who is just like you. Someone trying to find their way. Someone trying to find their place in this world, their place of greatness. Someone trying to figure out exactly who they are, and what they are capable of. Sometimes it's easy to think and feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, unsatisfied, or barely getting by. But that feeling, those thoughts are a lie, and if you just hold on... just find the courage to face it all for another day... someone or something will find you and make it all okay, because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us tune into the music around us, and remind us that it won't always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you.

Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world, or if the choices we make matter I believe they do, and I believe that one man can change many lives, for better or worse. I believe we will survive this life. I believe, I... I believe in the good of man kind. I believe it's been a hell of a year already, and I believe that in the face of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I believe that we will all be okay. I believe in all these things. I believe that those we love, who have passed before us are always with us. And I believe that if I eat a tub of ice cream, and no one sees me, that those calories don't count. And I believe that we are all human, and through our mistakes, truth, and joy can be found in the rubble. I believe that we survive, and I believe that believing we survive is what makes us survive. I stand by all the great philosophers, prophets, seers and Revelators in saying that I believe in truth, and light, and love. I believe that all man has a truth, and a soul that can be seen if you will stop long enough to look someone in the eye, and I believe that a love, a real love, never dies. I believe we will all survive this life, and I believe that we will all change the life of someone we know, though we may not know it, or think we are capable of it. We are all great. We all have a greatness inside. It just takes a little hope, a bit of faith, and belief in ourselves.

House of Fire, Heart Of Hope...

When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness, who will you choose to face it with? Will it be someone you trust? Will they be wise? Will their love for you help them to guide you to the light, or will they lose their way in the darkness... Will they make noble choices, or will that person be someone un-tested, someone new. Life comes rushing at us fast from out of the darkness, and when it does, is there someone in your life you can count on. Someone who will watch over you when you stumble and fall, someone with a hand to help you up and in that moment give you the strength to face your fears alone...

"There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow. When we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and healed. To have despaired and recovered hope..."

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads, afraid and confused, and without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments will define the rest of our days. Naturally, when faced with the unknown most of us prefer to turn around and go back. Every once in a while people push on to something better. Something found just beyond the darkness, and pain of going it alone. Just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream...

"We all live in a house of fire. No fire department to call, no way out. Just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down. With us trapped, locked inside" -Tennessee Williams

9 June 2008

I've been in hospital care for almost 3 weeks now. I'm tired. I miss home, and I'm wearing down, but I know that my Lord and Savior will give me the strength I need to carry on until I am finally released. I've been through 3 major surgeries in these last 2 weeks. I've experienced many miracles, and had many more prayers answered. I've never once been left to battle this alone. I thank my father in Heaven for all the angels he's sent to watch over me and keep me company. I have 3 amazing friends who have carried me through. Sunnie Lynne Rushton has spent countless hours with me in each hospital. Stanley Langford Lloyd was willing to come home, he's cried with me, and sent his family to keep me company. Geri Brooke Graves... Brooke has sent comfort and strength, though she may not say much, I can feel her love and support daily. My family has been unbelievable! My mom has been there every step. Her visits have been what kept me going some days. My dad, he's started to say 'I love you,' he's making my car payments, and making sure I take the time to heal. Ryan has been Ryan and that's all I can ask. Leesa has cried with me, and for me. I can't believe how amazing that girl is! Miranda draws picture after picture, and Emma is afraid to touch me for fear that she'll hurt me. My extended family visits daily, and my singles ward has done all they can to make sure I know they are thinking of me. I wouldn't have made it this far without all the prayers, fasting, and testimonies of everyone. My bishop has been there for every surgery, and visits or calls regularly. I have been so blessed and looked after. I cry still, because I miss home, but I'll make it through. I'll stand true, till the end is found. ~Jessica Meredith Gustafson

Tell Me This Is Paradise... Fairytales, and Lost Days...

Have you ever been in a love that felt so real, so vibrant, that you knew nothing and no one could ever make it disappear? It's in those moments when you know love... Real love. It's when 'Come What May, I'll Love You Till My Dying Day' doesn't seem so silly... Love is the only bridge we'll ever need to stand on, or walk across to reach our highest dreams. It's the only thing powerful enough to bridge any gap... between any heart.

In the hearts of children lies the truths of men... have you ever looked into a child's eyes? So pure, so clear, so full of a love. They see only light, and dark. They smile when you smile. They cry when you cry. They share in your joy, and in your pain because that is love. Love is forgiving, love is kind, love is the scream in the night that lets you know you're alive...

It's not what you do in life that matters; it's who you are that lasts and creates your legacy... When you find yourself in a real love it becomes more than just rose colored glasses, it becomes who you are. It's how you decide, and it's what moves your hand to action. There is no I, and me, it's we and us, and ours. It is your strength, and your faith. It is what makes up your very soul. It is your heart, your mind, and your everything. There isn't a day that goes by that you don't smile because you have that love. No matter what may come your way. Through trials, and tribulations. Through secrets kept, and promises broken. Though death may take that person from you, be it literal, spiritual, or if you just have to cut the ties and labels that bind you here on earth, that love will forever have a hold on your heart. That is real love. It is a lasting part of you. That person may run across you in a crowd, and maybe you don't see him, but he sees you...and he smiles. Knowing he can always count on you though you haven't spoken in years. It's when your soul tugs and you don't know why your heart accelerates... and that familiar feeling of comfort and security creeps back into your eyes... it's then that you remember... I love him. Forever. Love doesn't require words, or gifts. It's the days in the park swinging, and looking at the world upside down, knowing exactly why he is laughing at you without inquiring why. It's knowing something is wrong without asking. It's pulling them in to a hug just because... it's what they need, and because it's what you need. Love is un-restrainable. The heart has reasons that reason cannot know. All we can do is learn to accept and grow, to love and live, and be all that we can be. Because we have that capacity to love. It's the love of a mother, father, brother, sister, child... friend... that makes us who we are, and that keeps us going when the days get dark... and because it's only when when you're tested that you truly discover who you are, and it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work, and faith, and belief. Beyond heartache and the fear of what lies ahead. You can't hide from life, eventually you have to live it... and you can't live it until you know love. Start with loving yourself, and you'll find the world grows in color and joy... When you have the opportunity to love someone else, take it, and cherish it... you never know just how far it will go, and just how much of a person you have the potential to be. Love is the hardest thing you will ever strive for. It takes an every day effort, and everything you've got, but it's the only thing that will ever be worth all the pain this world has to offer up, and slather out. True love is the only thing that will ever move you to an eternity...

It Tastes Like Summer...

Limeade... have you ever tried it? It tastes like summer. Mmm summer... days of swing sets, picnics, warm breezes carrying the scent of freshly cut grass, dragonfly races, and thunder storms. Walking with your toes outstretched, finding shapes in clouds, and long walks down the Jordan River Parkway... but before all of this happens we must get through the fall of the Pisces era, and skip through the Arien times... landing us in the days of Taurus, Gemini, and Cancer... What do I mean by all of this? I am referring to the placement of the stars and planets. Astrology. Yes, I am LDS, and I have a fascination with the planitarian scales. How do I explain this to my bishop, and fellow church members, and still have my temple recommend? Astrology is the study of the placement of the planets combined with the stars, and their meanings. It is astronomy, with a bit more. What I don't do, is base my every day on some made up Horoscope from the newspaper. Astrology is a class I first took for my specific type of psychology degree. It is the means of understanding the what, and why behind the reasons a person will react a certain way and act they way they do. I am an Aries... meaning I am very independent, stubborn, I pride myself on my diligent honesty and known for my sharp- tongue. Generosity is in my second nature, and courage emanates from me. However thanks to the fact that I am on the cusp (march 21-25th) I am an Aries with Pisces tendencies. I am headstrong and impulsive, but I also have a longing for peace and solitude. I am intellectually keen, and enjoy probing into new areas and coming up with different ideas. I am clearly an individual. Warmth and sympathy come easily to me, and I'm fond of entertaining and getting along well with people... Sound like me...? You better believe it!

I could and would go on, but I know the fact that I enjoy the study of Astrology and the mere fact that I am curious about it will offend a few people. However, I will say, if ever you wanted to get a heads up on someone, to learn how to attract, understand, or even talk to a person in a way they will understand... gaining an understanding of all 12 of their astrological signs will be extremely beneficial to you. I have learned an immense amount about myself, and those I care deeply for because of my study of the stars and the planets and their placement at the specific time of birth. The day and time is just as important to the makings of someones personality as their name. Do not judge what you do not, or what you refuse to understand. The Star locations of the Aries, if you zoom in you'll find the placement of Taurus as well. Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, the sign that symbolizes new beginnings.

La musique est mon poison ...

We all fall into it. We all share a connection with it. Music. It is my poison. It is the first thing I turn to after a bad day, a triumph, a spiritual moment, or a heart break. It's my refuge, my happy place.

We all label music, and often times we are labeled by the music we enjoy. But when you take away the music artist, strip off the music behind it, and just read the lyrics... you most likely wouldn't be able to tell what genre it went into. The interior of each song is where you find the heart, and soul of that song. Just like people. Look past the exterior, and what you first see and listen to their heart song... I hear a song, and I look at it from my perspective. "Oh my gosh, you have to listen to this song... it describes me perfectly!" That is when I halt and I have to remind myself that song isn't about me. It's about the artist, and what they see, but that is the magic of music. It is universal. It is something that can, and will be likened unto everyone. When you listen to a song, take a step back and try to listen to it in the way the person sitting next to you is listening to it. Watch as that song takes on a whole new meaning...

For me personally I didn't used to stop and wonder what the story behind the song was until I was about 10 years old. I grew up listening to my dad write music, writing lyrics, and figuring out the right guitar chords to express what he was saying. I remember the night I asked him what he meant by the lyrics to his song 'The Road' and the story he gave me behind it. I started to look at my daddy a bit differently. He became a bit more human to me. Listening to Not An Addict by K's Choice once again hit me with a different side of the world. Growing up in Bountiful Utah I was sheltered from just about everything. Going to K-mart was a night on the town. For the most part I sang to myself outside in the backyard up in one of our apple trees, or under the peach tree. I wrote most of my poetry beginnings hidden in this corner of my yard that was completely encased by ivy, and sun flowers that grew to impossible heights. My childhood was spent in this jungle, and all I remember is the music that filled my head. I had my own soundtrack. I didn't realize there were really drug addicts, or suicide. There wasn't such a thing as murder, or rape, or death... outside of old people. I didn't realize there was a sadness or pain outside of listening to parents fighting, or falling out of trees. Listening to this song opened my eyes to a new side of things. It wasn't until I was in high school that I realized these things were real, and to have someone who had fought a real drug addiction was incredibly powerful to me. I remember the first night I looked at a song I connected with on a high level from someone elses perspective. I had played a specific song to try and say something to the person next to me in the car. He heard the song and it made him laugh because of the context of the song. Instead of hearing my side, he heard his own. After dropping him off I replayed the song to figure out why he left my car laughing at how perfect the song was. The song was Boys Don't Cry by Plumb. I heard the song from a whole new perspective, and it changed the way he and I interacted because I finally understood why he felt the way he did... it had been an argument we'd both tried to argue, believing we were right, but being un-able to fully express why to the other person leading to more frustration... But to step out and listen to his side I understood his side and I changed what I was doing... and it made us better.

When we feel as though we aren't the only one in the world going through something, we smile. We learn. We grow. When we feel validated, and understood... We smile. We learn, and we grow. When we step outside of ourselves and are able to look at something from another's perspective we smile a little bigger. We learn a bit more, and we grow into that much better of a person. Music does all of that... it fills us with emotion, conviction, desire... no matter the genre. Music is universal... Music is my weakness. Music is my poison.

...I learned at a young age music speaks to all people. No matter race, age, religion. Music knows no barrier. Put a word to a rhythm and you've created a magic everyone can experience... So, Step outside yourself and... See their side, their story...

Perspectives...

This is what happens when I am left alone with a camera, my thoughts, and photoshop...

Appreciation, and the trust of a heart goes only so far...

I received a phone call this morning from a very upset Stanley. He sought me out to make sure I knew he was in no way saying anything, nor doing anything against me. I am going to stand by him, in believing that the rumors I spoke of in my last post were in no way from him. He and I had a good run, and we'd both like it to remain in a positive light, for the both of us. Neither of us will be speaking ill of the other, nor will I be engaging in any activity that would darken the memory I have of that relationship. For those of you who would wish to spread negativity about our friendship, or him, or me for that matter... don't do it near me, I don't want to hear it... and don't expect it not to be found out. Whether this labels me as in denial or not, I would rather be able to think back to these past 6 years, smile and laugh at the memories, than to feel hurt and pain because someone felt the need to create drama.

I can't and won't speak for Stanley, but given his reaction I feel pretty confident in saying we won't hesitate to contact the other if we think something is wrong. Seriously wrong. He and I agreed on a clean break, and if I found out something had dirtied that... especially if it hurt him in any way. I'd do what I could to resolve it. It seems he would to. I have a slight inclination to believe that whomever these people are that are stalking me and asking me questions about things which do not concern them, are the culprits behind the drama. Stanley and I talking this morning should not be viewed as a success. Neither one of us wanted to have to speak again to smooth out something that wasn't even real in the first place. If we decide to talk, it needs to be on his and my terms. Not yours.

You need to understand and accept that Stanley and I have ended on a good note. We will keep it that way. He proved to me this morning that that is as important to him as it is for me, and it needs to be something you as the public respect. Yes, we were close, and yes it is horribly sad that we had to end our friendship... but that is between us. I will do what I can to keep things smoothed out. And the details of what happened between us... between us, and keep it as a positive thing in my mind. Because we owe that to one another. And I'm sorry, but I'm not going to put up with anyone trying to muddle that up for me.

I may vent publicly, and put my life on display, but I take care to make sure what I write is absolute truth (as far as I am able to find), and I take a lot of people in to consideration when I sit down and write something that includes anyone other than myself... I still care deeply for Stanley, and respect him as one of the absolute best people I have ever had the pleasure to meet and get to know... and you know what, I probably always will. That is just the type of person that I am, and that is just the type of friendship/relationship we had.

So Thank you, but... but with all do respect... butt out!!

What needs to be remembered is... each movement we make not only affects us, but everyone around us. Even those we cannot see... some that we may not even know... What I do, and what I say, I speak and do with care. I ask only the same of you.

Melancholy Smile...

"There is only one day that you and I have to live and that’s today. There is nothing we can do about yesterday except repent, and there may be no tomorrows. The thing for us to do when we arise from our beds as God gives us a new day is to pray that whatever comes to our hand we will do to the best of our ability."

-President Spencer W. Kimball

Have you ever wanted to run somewhere far away, and just start everything over...

Somewhere so foreign to you...

somewhere so new...

Where no one knew your name...

You win Stanley. I give up. You finally beat down the optimist. When I received the first phone call, I didn't want to believe it I would not have thought you capable of something like that. Then, when I got the second phone call giving me the same story I broke down. I've done some pretty stupid things in my time, but never could I do anything like what you did. I'm sorry you felt that was okay, and that I wouldn't ever find out. I couldn't ever hurt someone I cared about as much as you once cared about me, as badly as you have hurt me. I don't care how passionately I felt against them. I think what hurts the most Stanley, is that you put yourself on the same level as Micah. And that breaks my heart, because you are so much better than he is, and so much more than he could ever hope to be. Congratulations on the internship, and with how far you got into the Truman process. I hope you make it into Harvard, and I hope you find everything you are looking for... but right now I also find myself hoping our paths never again cross ways.

...I'm tired of playing, because all it does is make you care too much...

Isn't it funny that a tight embrace is enough to mend a broken heart, to repair an un-kept promise, and make a day better. A simple hug from someone you love is enough to express gratitude, love, and share the joy of an accomplishment. There is no way to replicate the feeling of security you feel inside the arms of someone you trust. Some days it's all you want... most days it's enough... but then there are times when a hug holds you back. When the memory of someone holding you close and making you believe everything will be okay moves you to tears. It's in those moments you step away, and you have to hold yourself... It's feeling like your entire chest is going to cave in, so you wrap your arms tightly around you to keep everything together. It's in those moments when you need that hug the most, from that one person that could make everything better... just because he cared... but you know it'll never come, so you pick up your heart and dust the pain away. Put it on a shelf to be remembered some other day...

My story... In... Of... and Through... Color...

If I could, I would take my camera and take a picture for you. Just to tell you my story through color... It is impossible to re-trace my steps and capture every moment I hold dear through my lens. Though I may take a picture of the place where I stood, the place is empty... it's only in my memory... For you, it is a pretty picture, but for me it is so much more...

This is the 3rd day in a row I've had a stranger stop me and tell me that I am beautiful, attractive, genuinely pretty, and my personal favorite... a rare flower. I've never considered myself to be a real beauty. Average Utah pretty sure, but having several people stop me several days in a row made me stop and think. I don't think it was purely physical beauty they were talking about. Small children don't pull their mothers sleeves to tell her "mom, that girl is pretty. Can I go stand with her please?" or "momma, she is beautiful. Can I give her my new ring?" just because I have a pretty face that most of them couldn't actually see very well... because yes ladies and gentlemen I am actually taller than the average child. Small children rarely ever see what we see. They see the spiritual side, the true beauty in the grass we walk on, and the sky we live under. So, what sets me apart from the crowd? I could have pointed out multiple people who were more attractive than I was, in my opinion. Me being me, I sought an answer by asking the people whom opinions I trust, and those that would give me an honest answer.

Tyler C. - "You are a very independent woman who doesn't care about what other people think of you. You have your own style all together. That's what I find attractive about you, well... until you make fun of me, then you're just mean. What first drew me to you, was I though you were cute and you always had something to talk about."
Michael D. - "Beauty seems to come naturally for you, so you are able to put more time into paying attention to the people around you. What I mean is, rather than just worrying about your physical attractiveness, which just kind of comes naturally to you, no matter what you did or didn't do to make it happen... you have the time and desire to pay attention to everyone around you, and let them know they matter. Pretty much, you don't care about how attractive you look, because you don't have to. And as a result, it changed how you treat other people around you. Most people spend hours a day worrying about how they look. You take that time to focus on other people."
Alaina M. - "I would have to say your small size is the thing that sticks out the most for people. That is why they find you attractive. Then on top of that you have a gift for accepting people for who they are."
Scott G. - "You're honest. You don't play mind games. You say what you mean, usually. You're straight forward. Tolerant for the most part. What's not to find attractive since most girls aren't like that? As for what drew me to you I honestly can't answer because I honestly don't know."
Brooke S. - "Your hair and figure are the first things that come to mind. You also have very full lips."
Victoria L. - " You're eyes, your personality. Your hair... And... Honestly. That's all I can remember. I haven't seen you in awhile..."
Nick D. - "Well you have an hourglass figure and very full and inviting lips, plus your cynical nature is rather friendly."
Dave L. - "You speak your mind, stick to your values, and have a fun and inviting personality. And of course physically you are attractive as well."
Dan S. - "Your hair, your body, your personality."
Zach H. - "Umm, there is a lot. The thing that attracts me the most to you is your smokin' hot body. And the next would be your sense of humor."

Jon K. - "Your personality. Your brains, Your basically everything."

Jennifer S. - "I think it's because you have unusual features like your lips. They just fit into the rest of your face. Plus you are skinny and still have boobs and a butt!"
Sunnie R. - "The fact that you're interested in everything, and you're interesting all by yourself. And the fact that you'll stay up till odd hours of the night for your random little traditions... "Alex" Hahaha! What attracted me to you was you were the quiet, shy, mysterious girl in the corner."

What struck me as ironic was that almost all of the girls pointed out the physical first, while the boys brought about what was emanated... erm... for the most part. Both made mention of personality, spiritual, and physical attributes.

What I have found though, is what we are on the outside is more clearly reflected by who we are on the inside. My daddy told me when I was a little girl. I think I was about 5... that to be as pretty as my momma I had to be a good as her. That has stuck with me throughout my life. I feel it goes deeper than just that. I was stopped by a temple worker one night as I wound my way through temple square. He told me I shone with the light of Christ and it made me lovely to watch. I walked with a poise and a grace that emanated reverence. I smiled and my eyes twinkled with the love of a savior. My voice sang with a praise, and you could hear the spirit when I would speak. At first I was taken off guard, and all I could do was smile. I didn't know how else to react to this strange little man with white wavy hair telling me I was lovely to watch. He smiled and explained that we are drawn to the light of Christ, and anything that carries that light is set apart from the crowd and deemed as beautiful. Truth cannot be hidden... Thereby throwing us into a world of color...

Music Is My Mr. Right...

I met the most fantastic person the other day. She came into my daddy's store. You could just feel her personality! She had a mild fit when I told her my hair color was natural. She was hysterical! She and my dad had a banter. She is a regular. It was like I was watching myself 40 years older! It was brilliant! She told me never to change who I was. That it was tangible, and could be seen through my eyes. I was a gem. If a stranger can see my heart, and trust in me ... who am I to doubt it? Why not embrace the change happening... and roll with the wind. From now on... call me Pocahontas...

"You see I know change. I see change. I embody change. All we do is change. Yeah, I know change. We are born to change. We sometimes regard it as a metaphor. That reflects the way things ought to be. In fact change takes time. It exceeds all expectations. It requires both now and then. See although the players change. The song remains the same. And the truth is... You gotta have the balls to change." (Vinnie Jones - Introduction to Joss Stone - Introducing Joss Stone)

Trees, what do we think of when we see a tree. Strong, Sturdy, Eternal or Everlasting. In truth, they are. A tree never truly dies. It changes into something else, but it will still in it's heart, forever and for always be... a tree.

Trees experience many exterior alterations. With the changing of the seasons bring along a new wardrobe. A new view. A change. As time wears on branches are trimmed by the gardener of the tree. Some are heavy laden and so the tree lets go. There are those rare occasions when lightening strikes and strips the tree, leaving it open to the elements... and still that tree survives. Why? Because it serves a higher purpose, and so it was given the strength to withstand children playing in the branches, thunderstorms, heavy wind, hail, lightening, and some even see the light of day through tornadoes, typhoons, hurricanes, etc. When old age comes and time finally wears the old tree down it becomes food for the grass and flowers. A home for all sorts of creatures. A seat in the middle of a wood. You see, a tree never dies. It is reborn into something new, but ask a scientist to break down the particles and he'll tell you. That is a tree.

And so, are not we trees? We stand in the rain, we live through heavy winds, children playing, and lightening striking us down. Are we not strong enough to withstand whatever may come our way, so that we might stretch our branches to the sky, and give shade to some weary traveler? I like to think we are all meant for a higher purpose. That even though we are gone, we have left our mark. In our children, and in those branches that have fallen away, been trimmed, or stripped from us. Perhaps... we never fully die either... through the changes in seasons, and the different wardrobes we may go through... we will forever and for always be... a tree.

Bruised But Not Broken...

Stanley if by some random chance of fate you are reading this... Bishop would like you to know he misses you, and that he loves you... or if Stanley's family still reads my blogs, or someone encounters him... let him know. I promised bishop I'd get that message to him.

I tell you it is a miracle I haven't broken anything with how much I have been tripping, stumbling, running into things, and falling over. Also, we've had a white ford car watching my house, it's beginning to make me uncomfortable because they leave once I come home... I personally think it has something to do with the people who continually stop me and ask if they can ask me a question. It's always the same questions being phrased differently. This isn't coming from Stanley, or his family. I'd really like to know who is asking these questions, and why in the Hell it matters to them... not to mention creepy that they know this much about me and Stanley... The origin of some of these questions I didn't really share with people. Also, why won't he/she ask me themselves. Not to mention... I'll probably tell the Internet... so watch yourself! ;)
I caved. Sunday, Amber and I left church and went down to the district. We purchases a medium bucket of extra buttery popcorn... It was oh so worth it though!

Starting Thursday my face will be seen on 13 different channels. 4pm-12midnight...
1.AMC - American Movie Classics
2. APL - Animal Planet
3. BRV - Bravo
4. ENT - Entertainment Television
5. FAM - ABC Family
6. HGT - Home and Garden Television
7. HMC - Hallmark Channel
8. LIF - Lifetime
9. OXY - Oxygen
10. TLC - The Learning Channel
11. TRV - Travel Channel
12. TVF - The Food Network
13. VHI - Music

I found the bike! My daddy always said if I found a bike I could lift (handle) then I would be allowed to get it... Well, ladies and gentlemen I found it! 2009 Honda Shadow...Now put that in a deep set purple, and it's perfect!