New Growth, New Life, New Beginning...

January is the cemetery month. Everything looks grey, and dead, and depressing. It is usually in this month that I need a vacation, somewhere warm and green. However, I have yet to actually go on a warm vacation during this month in the year. I don't leave for the Caribbean until next month, and it's the end of February at that.

So, I am using photography as a distraction. Thanks to the photographers Courtland, myself, Dasha, Tolka, and Rengim. (Photographs are not in the same order as the list of photographers.)

The Edge Life

...It's the feeling of flying, and absolute freedom even if for just one second. It's the thrill of losing control, the adrenaline of danger involved, and the speed of the colors flying past you...

Uprising by Muse is the perfect background sound for snow drifting, and making snowtire angels, and crashing through the frozen air.

Thank you 80's for Happening...

Here's to the week before Christmas...

May it slow down enough to finish all the shopping!

Merry Christmas!

(Don't forget to pause the music down at the bottom of the screen...)

You know, I'll never truly understand why... but these videos tend to make me happy.

Where Is Chivalry Today?

(Photography: Chivalry Puddle. Thanks to my friend "Oreo")

What has happened to chivalry in this world?

Readers Digest Version of Today's Story: Movie with my two favorite, and best guy friends. One says to the Other "You should walk Jess to her car, you are closer to it." Other says to One "No, I don't think I need to." One says to other "Fine, I will then." Other says to One, "No! I'll do it." Jess says to herself, "I feel like Elizabeth when Darcy assists her out of the carriage due to societal rules. It is a sweet gesture, but entirely awkard. Ugh! Forced chivary is the worst! Jess says to Other "Thank you." Other walks back to car very put out.

Moral/ lesson: "For Those who depend on social acceptance it can be seen as an unwanted burden which demasculates them." (Quote T. Torres) "Because guys are about ego. When they have to become subservient to anyone or anything, it surpresses their ego."(Quote: C. Gustafson. )  Men should get over this need to always be the bigger, better man... It is often very confusing, and un-necessary! But! All men should retain some form of chivalry. It is very flattering, and will not only win you the girl, but you'll also keep said girl!

My Dear Sweet Papa

This week has been a scary week in my family. My daddy has an Aortic Valve disorder, and has a few heart troubles because of it. The cold really gets him though. His lungs freeze up and it will often times bring him to his knees. Last night was one of the worse episodes I've experienced personally. We had gone to Walmart at Jordan Landing to try and find the gift he wants to give to my mom. (We've looked everywhere... but we are determined to get it!) His heart and chest had been hurting him the entire drive. I was already nervous going in, but then he fell into the snow. Add more nerves... We almost got to electronics when we had to stop at the bikes so my dad could try and get control over the pain. What I mean is: he leans over and puts pressure on his chest and holds his breath for about 3 seconds and then slowly releases. He does this over and over again until he feels like he has a handle on it. It helps him gain a control over his body. (My daddy and I are the same in many things. He is the one I turn to at my house, but one thing we share is a hatred for pain medications. They make your head fuzzy and you can't every tell what is going on with your body. Luckily we've both developed a strong tolerance for pain. :) My dad however, should sometimes relent. He is more stubborn about it than I am. Even the best of us need help sometimes.) We made it to electronics after about 5 minutes at the bike rack. Good news is: We found the gift! And at a price we like! Bad news: My daddy could hardly walk. We tried to walk down a few isles. He had to stop at a cart that was full of boxed up stock. After about 10 mintues, and very nervous Jess later... we walked back to where we found our preferred item, and grabbed the empty cart that was still there. He thought we could maybe "fake it" with this... HA! We got down to the photo area and he took a seat at the stool they have in front of their Kodak machines. He sat down and leaned over the cart. I've seen my daddy have a heart attack. I've seen him after a really bad heart attack so I know what to look for. Every sign was there, with a few more worries thrown in the mix. He was pale, a very chalky pale. Shaky, short of breath, and wobbly. I've never heard my poor papa curse up a storm like that but I've also never experience his pain. It was then that I realized this was one of the worst pains he'd ever felt and I grew to a level of fear, not just nerves but straight up fear. He could hardly speak above a whisper. He kept asking me not to let him hit the ground, to make sure he didn't hit the ground. I sent a text to my mom and asked her to come and help me. 2 walmart workers came and offered their services. My daddy hates making a scene. When he had his heart attack in the airport back in '97 he was so upset. I tried to convey that we had it under control, but when they came back about 10 minutes later and we were still in the same position they asked if I wanted a wheelchair. I accepted this. I needed to get my dad to a place where he could get the help he needed. (Lesson learned: Walmart does not have a push wheelchair, just stupid, beyond slow put-put chairs. It took the cigarette breath lady over 15 minutes to ride it from the front doors to electronics.) In that time, my dad has said he needed to lie down. I helped him off the stool and sat with him on the floor at that same time allowing one of the Walmart people to call for an ambulance. The floor was too cold. I was shaking from the cold (I'm not much better at handling cold...) and my dad's breathing had changed. It was becoming harder for him to breath. He crawled forward to a pallet of stock boxes and knelt at them placing his head in his hands and trying to gain control over it all. He was losing that fight, and he turned to me and said "Jess, I'm not going to make it.[to the car] I can't breath." This, more than anything scared me to death. (One of my very worst fears is going to my dad's store after hours to do his deposits for him and finding him in a crumple on the floor of his shoe repair. This was starting to feel a bit like finding him like that...) Me being the quick thinker I am in a crisis situation, asked if they had a chair with wheels. Any kind of a chair with wheels and preferably with arm rests. I needed to get him out of there! And fast! 5 minutes later I had a chair with wheels and arm rests. Luckily about 5 seconds later the Emt's arrived. I started to answer their question, and my mom called to say she was parked and running back to us. I answered as many questions as I could. "His name is Micheal Gustafson, he is 45, about 130-140lbs. He had open heart surgery at age 13, in '77. He has an aortic valve disorder. His date of birth is 2/12/... 45 years ago. Please don't let him fall." I beat his ambulance to JVH and soon met up with him and my mother in the ER room 4. My mom left after a bit as we have small children still running around our house and she gets up for work at 5am, and it was well past midnight. It was just me and my dad for about 45 minutes. We learned his heart has grown since 2006 (His last big hospital experience, where he was in the bed...) and he has nodules on his lungs (not cancerous, but still scary...) and they wanted to admit him into the hospital to make sure this wasn't a heart attack, and to see if they couldn't find any answers as to why the cold hits him so hard. At about 1:30 a very good friend of mine came to sit with me, and offer the comfort of their presence and support. I can't express my gratitude for the love I have felt from friends  be it via text messages, phone calls, or prayers. It really is a strength to know that I have people I can count on at any time, day or night to come to my aid, and the aid of my family. I truly do love all of you, and wish you nothing but the best! My daddy is still in the ICU at JVH, but we are hoping to have him home tonight!

This is the man that taught me to love music, to go for all I had in me, and to never let anyone take away from me what I believe and know to be true. Even if it is him I am fighting against. This is my father, the strongest, bravest man I know. I love you Papa!

My papa was playing the guitar while Leesa was singing along with him, and pretending to play the guitar. Those of us in my family who are musically inclined, play by ear. I am the only one that can read sheet music (I'm trying to teach Leesa). So, papa is figuring this song out as I am filming. It's pretty neat actually! Not to mention I take you on a tour of our lovely , then un-finished but functional recording studio in the basement of our house. (The studio has since been almost finished, and is still fully functional... and the drums are even set up!)

Christmas Excitement!

I think one of my absolute favorite parts of Christmas is being able to shop for the people in my life. There is something about the search for that one perfect gift that will make that one special person smile. It's all just so exciting!

There is always one gift that makes me the happiest to give. One that I am super proud of, and know that it will make that person truly happy. This year, my favorite gift is the one I am giving to my mother. She and I have had a really hard year. We've never been super close, but we've never butted heads like this before. So, I wanted to make this year extra special.

As is pretty obvious to anyone who regularly reads this blog, I love photography. There is something about taking a moment in time and capturing it, and being able to show the world how you see the world. Now, I tinker around with many different forms of art. I dable in painting, sketching, writing, stitching, whatever I can get my hands on really... but Photography seems to be where most of my artistic talent sits. Well, my mum noticed I have a bit of skill with a camera and so asked me to take a picture and frame it for her Christmas gift. Well, me being me, I decided to print and frame several pictures. I am not known for giving a person just one gift. It's usually two or more. I just get too darn excited!

I am so excited about this gift I am going to give a spoiler... My family doesn't actually read my blog so I think it's safe to share. :)

(If you look closely you'll see the blue of his eyes)

(SLC Temple, Nov. 2009)

(This is my sister Miranda)

I haven't decided the exact number of pictures I am going to use. These are some I am consering as options. And don't worry, in the end they will look like they go together. I promise!

My Pianist...

Have you noticed the cold isn't so cold when lost in an art as it fills the silence winter brings?

Did you experience the piano take over the 2am stillness?

I did...

Who Am I To Stand And Condemn Another...

In this life we are wronged, and we wrong others. We only know and understand our side of things. We know how we feel, and we know how we think. We do not know what causes another person to act in the manner we disagree with, nor do we know what that person feels when the consequences of their actions hit them. I know that I am guilty of placing labels, and judgments on people, but I do my best to accept everyone for who they are, and who they are trying to be. I am human, and I make mistakes. We all are, and we all do, but to refuse a Child of God forgivness is something I personally cannot do.

Doctrine and Covenants 64: 9-10

9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

I do not understand how a person can hold a grudge, or refuse to allow someone another chance when we have been commanded to. As Christian beings why do we permit ourselves to continually carry a heavy grudge along for an extended period of time. Do we not choose to feel hurt by someone's chosen ignorance? Do we not choose to feel happy when we wake each morning? Do we not choose to take words personally? Are we not capable of running our own lives? It is my belief that we are, and always have been. That is the beauty of free will, but to be a Christian is to look beyond ourselves and live as Christ lived. That means forgiving ALL men, women, and children of every race, creed, and nature.

Matthew 18:21-22

21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times times?

22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

It is my belief that when Christ said to Peter, 'until seventy times seven' he meant forever. We are to forgive our brethren each and every time they do something to hurt us, and those that we care about. When a small child is hurt, that child will cry until they can no longer feel the pain. When they recieve a loving hug, or see a smile, they will pick themselves back up and continue on playing the pain forgotten and a lesson learned. Are we not supposed to be as small children? Forgiveness is a hard thing, but it is a commandment for all. No matter what you believe. This principle is in all versions of Christian scripture, and is a practice that has been asked of all of us.