Sleep Sweet Baby Boy.

In the nights of turmoil, tossing, and turning, who do we turn to for relief? Who sings and rocks us to sleep? Where do we go for comfort? Drugs, alcohol, do we simply let the depression take us? We all know there is prayer. We all trust that the Lord is there for us. But sometimes it's hard to remember. Some nights it's hard to know. And some nights you want physical proof, you just want to escape the here and now. So what then can you do? Where are you supposed to turn? When the dark of the night crowds in, and you feel so alone? Know that it's alright to be afraid. Fear means you have something to lose. Though the turmoil may be thick, and the night may be long; sunrise is on it's way. The night doesn't last forever, and with it comes a new day. A new start. A new chance. Watch for the light on the horizon, and know that though times might be tough, drugs, and alcohol may be a temptation it isn't worth it. Letting yourself fall into that depression may be easier than fighting it, but you'll never see the color in the sunrise. Depression turns the world to a mundane grey. Climb to the top of Ensign Peak, and wait for that pink, orange, and peach to wash the sky in a color of peace, hope, and faith. It is hard. Life is hard, and you'll be faced with decisions that you wish you had years to decide on, but you're only given seconds. In those moments listen to your heart, and believe that no matter what, as long as you are pushing through the best you know how you'll end up where you are meant to be. And that is the greatest comfort anyone could hope for. So, in those sleepless nights imagine a song, so beautiful and sweet. Close your eyes and dream of more. Let your spirit fly to that meadow with a cascading waterfall. Take that simple 6 string guitar at your feet, and sing yourself to sleep.

"The essence of optimism is that it takes no account of the present, but it is a source of inspiration, of vitality and hope where others have resigned; it enables a man to hold his head high, to claim the future for himself and not to abandon it to his enemy."
Dietrich Bonhoeffer


On the nights when I have baby Cameron I'll play these songs, and I'll sway and sing this little boy to sleep. If you ever see us in sacrament you'll notice he'll move his head to mine and rest his ear on my cheek or on my chest while I sing the hymns. He loves music. This little boy knows what time it is when I start singing to him. I recently added Butterfly Fly Away to our goodnight ritual. But, Godspeed has been there from the start. I started singing it to him when I had him for the week the rest of our family was on a cruise. Some nights it was the only thing that put that colicky little boy to sleep.

Musical Dreams...

When I was about 5 years old my daddy brought home a huge beautiful upright grand piano. That night he sat down and started to fiddle with the white wood pieces on this massive wooden contraption. I climbed onto the piano bench and watched as his fingers made these sounds that created stories in my head. It was like he had taken these sounds I had always been able to hear in my head and used to create stories when I would play pretend and made them part of the real world. I was entranced. The next morning as soon as I got home from kindergarten I climbed on that piano bench and started to play with the keys. I wasn't sure if I'd get into trouble or not so I always tried to make sure mom was downstairs when I would play around. I started to pull out notes, and figured out songs. My mom naturally noticed, so when I was in the first grade she tried to put me into piano lessons. Mrs. Baker taught me the fingering methods, and how to count the beats before she moved away. I never had lessons after that. I took the books I had, and figured out how to read music, and what the notes of the piano were on my own. After that I would just pull out whatever song I had heard that day and would figure out the notes on the piano. I first learned the talent I had was called perfect pitch when I was in the 6th grade. Our orchestra directior Mrs. Mortensen was teaching us the string notes on our instruments. I had chosen the viola. It was the one instrument that seemed to call out my name when I decided I wasn't going to play the cello because my best friend had decided to play the cello. (I was 12 don't ask where my thinking came from)I wanted something different, and the viola as the perfect match. It has the same strings as a cello, but is held like a violin. The music is written in the Alto clef. I learned an entirely new musical language with the viola. Mrs. Mortensen proceeded to teach us the scales, 1st position fingering, and how to hold the bow properly. She pulled her bow across the D string, holding the second finger down. Which is F. She was playing F#. She asked if we could remember what note that was. I knew what it was. In my head I pictured the 3rd black key above middle C. I raised my hand and told her what it was. With each corresponding note she would play I would picture the key on the piano that made the same sound. Each note seems to have a specific place in my head. It's like one of those light games, when a note plays a light goes off and you match the sound to the light... She told me that was what most people referred to as perfect pitch, or relative pitch depending on how well you knew the notes. Though I stuck with the viola throughout school I never lost my love, or fascination with the piano. I've never had real lessons. I have always wanted formal lessons, but haven't done anything about it. Instead I play with the songs I know, tinker with songs I sound out, and occasionally I'll pull out a book and try to teach myself the correct fingering techniques. So, instead of encouraging my own possible talent at the piano I watch. I listen, and I enjoy. I have a passionate love for watching a pianist play. The passion that emanates from them is unlike any other musician. All musicians fall into their instruments and the music they create, but a pianist... a pianist is the music. Words fail me when I attempt to describe the magic that is the piano. Every single boy I have ever had an interest in has been a pianist of some sort. I love sitting on the bench with them and watching their fingers. Watching as they dissolve into the instrument and forget everything for just a moment. Watching as their hands move with grace, and passion, and direction. I truly cannot even begin to fully explain what I mean. The pictures that dance in my head during a piano piece. Of all the music that is going on continually in my head, most of it is piano. If I could learn to bring the music out of my head, and onto a piano... I am cocky/confident enough to say it would blow you away. I don't have the skills I need to play the piano as well as I like, but I have a capacity to learn, and to appreciate when others have taken the time and effort to learn. Maybe one day I will find someone who can hear what I hear, and together we will create a masterpiece symphony. Or, maybe one day I will sit down and actually learn how to properly play the instrument I love so dearly.

This compilation done by Jon Schmidt is simply brilliant! I have always loved his orchestrations. I cannot seem to get enough of this specific video. My dad sat with me and listened to it for 3 straight run throughs... It's unbelievable! It's... Magic!

Auntie Jess!

Congratulations to Leah and Michael Zimmerman on their new addition!

Leah finally delivered her baby girl yesterday around 2pm. She is beautful! April Rebecca Zimmerman!

Year One. Day 2

Yesterday marked the One Year date for the day I was rushed by ambulence to Alta View Hopsital.

At least I'm not on that killer morphine anymore, and my thoughts are some-what coherent... hahaha! Oh the joys of being Jess...

All As We...

TO STAND ALONE IS A FRIGHTENING PROSPECT, BUT TO LOSE WHO YOU ARE FOR FEAR OF BEING RIDICULED OR TREATED AS AN OUTCAST IS A FAR WORSE HAPPENING.

I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE A STORY OF A GIRL WHO WAS NEVER ACCEPTED BY THE 'IN' CROWD. SOMEONE EVERYONE MADE FUN OF. SOMEONE WHO WAS SO LONELY, SHE FELT LOST TO THE WORLD; BUT IN HER HEART SHE KNEW WHO SHE WAS. THIS GIRL HAD WILD, WIRY HAIR THAT LOOKED AS THOUGH IT WAS NEVER COMBED. SHE WASN'T LIKE THE OTHER KIDS AT SCHOOL. SHE WOULD RATHER SIT AND WRITE POETRY, AND MAKE UP SONGS THAN HANG OUT AND TALK ABOUT BOYS. SHE ACHED TO HAVE FRIENDS, BUT WASN'T INTERESTED IN THE SAME THINGS AS HER PEERS. THEY THOUGHT SHE WAS WEIRD. THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WAS DIFFERENT, AND CHOSE NOT TO TRY. RATHER THAN OPENING THEIR HEARTS TO THIS STRANGE FLOWER, THEY CAST HER OUT OF THE GARDEN. SHE DIDN'T FIT IN. AS THE YEARS PASSED SHE NEVER LET GO OF WHO SHE WAS. INSTEAD SHE GREW THROUGH THE EMOTIONAL PAIN, AND DISCOVERED SHE HAD A GIFT. SHE HAD THE GIFT OF SONG. SHE DISCOVERED SHE COULD TAKE THOSE MELODIES SHE HEARD INSIDE OF HER HEAD AND MAKE MUSIC. SHE COULD REACH INTO A PERSONS SOUL. THIS GIFT, TOUCHED MILLIONS OF PEOPLE. THAT MISFIT WHOM EVERYONE PUT UPON, WHO WAS THE BUTT OF EVERY JOKE, AND THE TARGET OF SO MUCH CRUELTY WAS JANIS JOPLIN. WE ALL KNOW HER MUSIC. IT HELPED DEFINE AN ENTIRE GENERATION. JANIS JOPLIN LOST HER LIFE IN HER TWENTIES DUE TO A DRUG OVER-DOSE. SHE HAD USED DRUGS TO ESCAPE THE TAUNTING AND THE TEASING BECAUSE OF HER DIFFERENCES. BUT BECAUSE JANIS JOPLIN DARED TO STAND ALONE, AND REMAIN TRUE TO WHO SHE WAS... A WORLD OF PEOPLE HAS BENEFITED FROM THE MUSIC AND MESSAGES SHE SHARED.

WE, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US, DEPEND AND LEAN ON AT LEAST ONE OTHER PERSON, IF NOT MANY OTHERS; FOR LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, AND ENCOURAGEMENT. AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME THERE IS AN ESTIMATED 6,780,577,643 PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US IS SPECIAL, AND DIFFERENT, AND ODD. WHAT A COLORFUL WORLD WE LIVE IN, WITH SO MANY WONDERFUL PERSONALITIES, AND VIEWS. TO LOSE SOMEONE, OR TO LOSE YOURSELF, BECAUSE YOU FELT INADEQUATE, UNSURE, OR WORTHLESS WOULD BE A GREAT LOSS. IN KEEPING AN OPEN MIND, AND HEART, WE ARE A PART OF A BEAUTIFUL CREATION. TO SAVE A LIFE IS TO SAVE THE WORLD. WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO US IS CAPABLE OF, OR WHAT THEY WILL ACCOMPLISH IN THEIR LIFETIME. WHAT WE DO KNOW IS WE HAVE THE ABILITY TO ACCEPT AND LOVE THEM FOR EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE TODAY. LOVE THEM FOR THEIR POTENTIAL. AND THAT INCLUDES OURSELVES. TO STAY TRUE TO WHO WE ARE; AND ALL WE ARE CAPABLE OF.

Quote and Baby Love Bug Day!

I just loved these quotes. They made me laugh, and think, all at the same time.

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
Proverb

Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
- Stanislaw Lem

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
- Groucho Marx

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
- Edward Gibbon

A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things.
- Herman Melville

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
- Mitch Hedberg
Cameron and I spent the day at the shoe repair. Papa was at a wedding for his niece. It was a pretty awesome adventure! Sunnie came to visit, and we had several hilarious customers come in. Baby love bug slept for most of the day in this BabyBjorn thingy... it's this sling back carrier thing that he sits in. Here is a picture of it...It's a pretty neat little contraption. I love it! He sits in it and plays, or sleeps, and my hands stay free! He's a cuddly little fellow and sleeps so much better when he is with someone. I can't decide if he's co-dependant, or just very cuddly. Either way, I love it! He's such a happy baby love bug! He loves to eat biggest sisters ice cream, and drink from her cups. (I taught him to drink from cups, and he loves to do it now. He'll pull my cup towards him. He has quite the grip and had drenched us both with ice water several times.) He is 5 months old now, and my heavens! He is such a pudge! I'll post a video a bit later... He makes me so very happy!

P.S. Streaking season has officially started! I am sooo excited!

...Each Day Is A Gift...

Though the sun is shining, sky is blue
There is a dark cloud above me
Drenching me in my own tears
The pictures confirming my deepest fears
He is a master of public affairs

Anger, frustration, pain
Drowning in the champagne
Unbelief, what, oh what didn't he do?
Worst part is, I already knew
What happened to everything we've been through?

Friendship, companionship, marriage... now gone
I know, as of late I have been withdrawn
What right did that give you?
Tell me truthfully, who all did you screw?
Your family, were they aware too?

What about our infant son?
What about the life we had begun?
How could you do this to me!
How dare you leave me in this debris
How am I supposed to break free?

God Give me strength, endurance, and time.
It's going to be a long, hard climb
I can't back down.
My baby and I will find a new town
We will prevail, We will not drown

We will be alright
Our future is still bright
My child and I
Together we'll fly
That dark cloud is clearing out of my sky

It is not the end, but the beginning
We only just passed the first inning
My skies above are blue.
I am taking control. With you, I am through.
Unfaithful lover, father, screw you!

Gagging on Top Ramen

I read this article by Married Jake. A phenomenal columnist. I love reading his articles... he is so blunt and honest about absolutely everything! His writing is a big part of the reason I am leaning more towards being a columnist... You basically get paid to spew your opinions and views of the world to the world... so pretty much blogging in print... It's amazing! Anyway, I've had a few friends complaining about their guys and always needing space, or hiding in their 'cave' to process things. I figured this would be beneficial to more than just myself!

5 Reasons a Guy Will Ask For Space:

A lot of you guys have been asking various forms of the same question: my dude seems to be putting the brakes on, and I don't understand what it means. Well, it can mean a few different things ...

Listen, I'm not a mind-reader. So I can't tell you exactly why he says he "needs a little space," or "wants to take things a little more slowly," or "needs some time to think about things" or any of the other vague, overly gentle and therefore more heartbreaking ways he has of saying this. He might actually be gay for all I know, and that's an awfully hard thing to diagnose from an anonymous post on Smitten.

But I can tell you that it doesn't mean it's the end. I've told every single girlfriend I've ever had that I needed space. Obviously I didn't end up marrying every single girlfriend I had (I only married one, whom I told several times that I needed space). But what it means is that there is something about being in a relationship that has always freaked me out. I can feel the freak-out once in a while even now, when I'm married, it's just that it doesn't bother me much any more because I know better.

But I can make several broad characterizations about what it means when guys say this:

1. He's scared.
This I can say for certain. Whether he's scared because he's too much in love and is losing himself, of because he's afraid he's going to end up married to someone he doesn't want to be married to, or because, like me, relationships can just plain scare him, I can't say for certain.

2. Yes, he may want to break up.
The hard truth is that this is what it seems: a break-up with training wheels.

3. He wants to make sure he's in control.
This is a really selfish thing, and something I'm guilty of. But sometimes men just want to make sure that they are in control of a relationship because not being in control is a feeling that makes them very uncomfortable. It's the same reason you put the brakes on when you're driving or skiing or riding a bike downhill: control.

4. He's trying to be honest.
While, yes, asking for space can be selfish. And hurtful. And really kind of evil. There's also something a tiny bit noble about it. He needs some time to think about what he wants. And he's being strong enough to ask for it.

5. What it may not mean is that this is the end.
There's something holding him back from breaking up. Or else he'd have said, "It's not me, it's you ... can I have my keys back?" Maybe it's that he truly does suspect (as it was in my case) that it's him, and not you.

Roadside Adventures In A Colorful World...

My Inner Me: You are a person that thrives on challenge, and you often feel that you must battle your way through life, depending upon no one and nothing but your own strength, intelligence, and courage. you believe in being totally honest, true to oneself and one's own vision and conviction, even if that means standing alone. Honesty, integrity, personal honor, and authenticity are your laws and you have very little sympathy for weakness of character in others.

You are more of a poet than a rational scientist, for your mind does not function in a strictly logical, linear fashion. The language of music, art, and poetry is natural to you, and you are also able to think in highly abstract and symbolic terms. Translating your thoughts and impressions into concrete, everyday language may be difficult for you at times and consequently you may appear less intelligent or at least less quick witted and verbal than others. This was especially true of you as a child, and you probably daydreamed a good deal. You are intuitive and are able to sense what others' thoughts and feelings are, even before they acknowledge them, and your impressions are usually correct. You can be somewhat absent-minded and you become so immersed in your own thoughts that you overlook things in your immediate, tangible environment. You are extremely open-minded and believe anything is possible. Intangible or spiritual forces seem just as real to you as anything in the concrete world. Your imagination and your sympathetic understanding of other people are two of your greatest gifts.
In a world this muddled, and confused it has become more and more of a task to know who we are, and where we stand. I have had some trying times, but I think it's time the light shone through. I know who I am, and what I want in life. I will not be bound as a scarecrow. Waiting and wishing for a Dorothy to pluck me down and walk with me to the wizard. I have arms and legs of my own, though I am not alone. I have friends who'll stop and wait for me to un-snag myself from the occasional bramble or bush. They'll help me put my stuffing back in, and laugh with me at all the silly and frivolous things I do. In these days in which we live, we cannot afford to lose who we are to anyone or anything. We are each so individual, it would be a colorless world if we were all the same. I thrill in my differences, and the ways in which I am unique. I love watching people interact because of the differences. Watching 2 people who are seemingly the same, but so very different from one another. It's fun to watch the differences play off of one another, watching as they fit together, and complete the other. I pray that we all are secure in who we are, and wish you luck in your travels. I hope there are bumps along the way, but that you know that they'll be someone there to help you change that flat tire. Catch enough air on some of those turns, and speed bumps to make your tummy tickle, and send butterflies a flutter. Just watch out for po-po's... not all of them are pleasant folks. Keep your eyes on the road ahead, and stop occasionally to help those on the side. Just remember where you came from, and where you are going.

***The three pictures are courtesy of Courtland Gustafson. Painting his world with color, and a lens. One of the most unique and treasured people I have in my life!***

Struggling In The Dark

Have you ever felt as though you were the only one in the dark. That you were the one in the middle of the circle with the blindfold over your eyes, but the crowd around you is so loudly silent you are unsure if you're the only one with the blindfold. Have you ever felt strapped in a straight jacket and dangled high above your dreams. You can see what you want, and where you want to be, but you're stuck. Trapped with your arms behind your back, and all you can do is look while everyone walks past, looks up at you, smiles and gives you that oh so common line "give it time, it'll come." What happens when time runs out and you're still bound to the stake your arms are wrapped around. Have you ever felt as though everyone was speaking in riddles, and though you knew the answer, you couldn't understand the rhyme? It's time to break free of the confusion. Rip the blindfold off, and scream loudly enough to be heard over the silent crowd. It's time you had the rhymes, and it's time the people around you stopped dancing on their toes... you can hear their footsteps loud and clear. Their whisperings are screams in your ears. Confusing you. It's time the many voices became one. Stop dancing in circles around you, because you've learned the steps... join in and shock them into truth. Your trust has been shattered, and you don't know who to lean on, or where to turn... So lean on yourself. As long as you know you are an honest soul, with a good heart, you'll find the company you so desperately seek. The stories playing in your head may come true, and the secrets in your heart may surface... hope is all that is left in this world we live in. It's the only thing you've got... so let your heart hope with all it has left in it. Don't let the confusion drag you into the depths of despair. You're sure to be tied forever in one spot in time if you give up the focus. Turn on the light, even if it's just a whisper of light coming from you... Darkness cannot penetrate even the smallest candle's glimmer... When you realize it doesn't matter who they are or what they do, it'll be your time, and you'll be well on your way. Give up on making passes, give up on half empty glasses, give up on greener grasses. You are enough. You have enough. ...It'll be enough to get through... Just hope, and have faith that one day you will... One day you will be there, dancing in that field of yellow daisies. One day you'll have what your heart wishes for. One day you'll be where you dream of being. All those pictures in your head will be a reality... Give it patience and time, a bit of faith and a dash of hope. Keep your eyes on the yellow brick road. And... One Day... You Will...

I Am Not Afraid.

Anger is fear turned inwards...

... I choose not to be angry because I have no reason to fear ...


Lies. White, innocent, accidental, intentional, hurtful, blatant, and obvious. All are deceiving. All are unnecessary. Is it so hard to be honest. Is it so hard to be open, and say what is real, verses making up a story. Not only is anger fear, but lies are stemmed from fear. Why is honesty so frightful? Would it not be better to speak from the heart, to be honest in all of our dealings. Than to hurt so many people because of our fear, and our inner demons. Are not all relationships based upon trust, and is not trust based upon the honest integrity of a person? So why then are people lying. What is the point? Lies are the quickest way to burn a bridge, and the only way to keep the water beneath flowing high enough to make it nigh impossible to build another one.... Why not try honesty. What is the worst that will happen? They may say no, or goodbye... but in the end you will reap a reward. You will have become an honest person, and the honest man may walk alone, but he always has the pleasure of good company. I would rather have the honor of good company than the constant disappointment of dishonest people. So, I am letting it go. If the bridge is burned, then it has been burned. It says in the Doctrine and Covenants, our lies will be shouted from the rooftops. It doesn't take a detective to learn the truth behind lies. No lie remains buried. It is impossible. The truth will out. It's why good always triumphs over evil...


I am not angry, nor am I hurt. I have chosen apathy.

And Yet You Wonder...

Sitting on a bench beneath the ivy, and bishops weed I watched. They were holding hands, and walking down the pathway not a few feet from me. It's funny... I knew it was happening. I could feel the truth. I'd had the story playing out in my dreams for weeks... And here it was. Directly in front of me. You've got to love Deja vu moments. I pulled out my cellular phone. I'd had enough of the "little white lies" from her.

"You make a lovely couple. The pause at the stairs was ever so tender." I waited a moment, then sent another... "How long did you suppose it would take for the truth to shine through? 'And the rebellious shall be pierced with much sorrow; for their iniquities shall be spoken upon the housetops, and their secret acts shall be revealed.' Have you forgotten my words of caution when we first met. No one is able to lie to me... all truth is revealed in the end, and those lies hurt only those who have let them slip from their mouths. I'm finished with these games. If you can't be honest with me, I want nothing to do with you." I sat still as she read the text messages. Looked around for me, then looked up at him. He dropped her hand, covered his eyes with his hands, turned and sat down. I wondered what her response would be. I could see she was struggling with words. I watched as her face revealed her shock, embarrassment, and worry. I waited for the familiar vibration telling me I had a new message.

"I'm sorry. I was waiting for the right time to tell you... When you asked if I had been spending time with him... When you confronted me yesterday I panicked. I am so sorry! I never meant to hurt you. Please, it isn't what you think. Let me explain."

I stood. Walked over to him, looked him in the eye. Crystal clear was the view, his eyes revealed every thought, every truth, and every pain in his heart. My eyes were cold. I had only one thing to say, petty as it was... "And people wonder why I no longer trust... I am done, my hands are washed of you." I stayed my step long enough to watch the rest of his heart break at my words. I did not, and do not care to learn the truth of the matter at this point in time. No good thing, no righteous thing comes of lies and deceit. Were his intentions pure he would have been the better man...