I. Say. Yes.

I'm ready to scream...
I'm ready to confront you and tell you exactly what I think of you...
I'm ready to key your car
I'm ready to ruin your entire reputation with one simple word...
I'm ready to erase you from my heart...
I'm ready to embrace my life, my potiential, and my possiblities...

...I've been holding back who I am, and I'm letting go...

Stop telling me no!

Stop telling me Impossible.

I. Say. Yes.

I Am Single By Choice.

I am single because I choose to be single. It's just that simple. I enjoy being single. Odd as that may sound, it is no less true. I meet guys on a regular basis. Some of them creeps, some are genuinely nice guys... but not one of them ever makes it past the second date. I'll find some excuse to write them off. It isn't because I'm not attracted, or they aren't charming, sweet, gentlemanly, whatever... I am not ready to give up being single. It isn't I don't feel like I am ready to commit to a relationship; in truth... I just don't want to. I am at a selfish age right now, and I enjoy being the only person I need to take care of. Before you right me off as heartless, I stop and offer a helping hand to anyone that asks, but I don't have to. There isn't an obligation there for me to stretch out a hand. It's expected, it's anticipated from friends, but it isn't an obligation. It isn't something I feel like I have to do, and that is what makes all the difference. See, for me, in a relationship I feel tied down. I feel like I have to do extra little things for him. It's no longer because I want to, I'll do it because it's routine.

In the beginning of a relationship you have the custsie phrases. The constant flirting. And always dressing up for this guy that can't look you in the face half the time, but we take it as flattery. I will fully admit I lost myself to the world of men! I caught myself always making sure I was 'presentable' instead of comfortable. Take today for instance. I am trying to 1. Learn how to walk in heels. 2. Break in these heels. I have never before worn heels, but I am learning so I don't kill myself at this next wedding. Anyway, at first I was trying to mimic the women wearing heels. I'd never before taken 10 steps in a pair of heels and suddenly I am trying to spend a full day in them walking around The Gateway Mall with Marisa. On Valentines day of all days! I was shy, and sensitive to every glance that came my way. I couldn't let it show naturally because...well, that just isn't kosher, and I'd put myself in this ridiculous predicament. After a bit I stopped watching the other woman and started to focus on me, and how I was walking. Randomly, I found myself enjoying looking like a fool. I stopped caring, and as dorky as this sounds... I re-found my spirit. My flavor for life. The vivacious nature I had one point in my life before I dedicated it to making sure the current boy in my life was happy... before I did anything for myself. I know, the friends have been telling me this for ages... when I'd complain that I just wasn't happy anymore they'd tell me to stop and do something for myself. Go make myself happy for a change instead of taking care of everyone else. Don't misunderstand me, I live to make people happy. I love helping people, and being there for them... but when you lose yourself in that, it isn't healthy, and that is where the problems begin. Everything becomes routine, it's because you always do it, not because you want to be doing it. You find yourself under appreciated, and over stressed trying to make sure everyone else is taken care of while not going completely crazy yourself. Example: There was a boy I wasn't in any way attached to romantically and I still dropped everything for him because I had gotten so used to putting the boys first. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy doing the many things I did for him, making things a bit easier for him... It was, I did them because I had always done them. You won't catch a boy until you make him happy first... Wait... where did I pick that up from...?

In Utah we have the constant pressure of marriage placed upon us. It's become the norm for a girl to be married by 18, kids by 20. Anyone who hasn't fulfilled this... well, there just isn't any hope for them at all. They must be broken... and suddenly everyone thinks that is all they are out there to get. I myself am guilty for placing this label on people, and it's wrong! If I am happy being single, who's to say other women aren't the same exact way. It is possible to be single, simply... because you want to be single. It is a choice. For those of you that will scoff at this and say, I want a boyfriend... but I just can't find one. Here is the trick... don't close yourself off to the idea of dating. (ready for this revolutionary and oh so original idea?) Learn to enjoy where you are in life. I don't know anyone who enjoys being with consitently unhappy people, all the time. Accept that whatever happens will happen. I was so unhappy with the guys because A. I enjoy being single. B. I didn't like where I was, and I was blaming them. It wasn't the guys, it was me! I loved talking to these guys over facebook, texting, etc. When we met in person the whole thing went to pot. I was finding ways to avoid their texts, or to suddenly skip out on meeting them. I didn't want to. I liked just talking, and keeping the flirting to print. I couldn't understand why. Well, I love being selfish little me and I didn't want to share my world. I don't want to have to make a change and compromise how I am right now... and that is okay! Thanks to the social norm and the fact that practically half my graduating class is married, and 1/4th is pregnant with their 1st or 2nd child didn't help things. I felt like I was supposed to have a boyfriend. I felt that I was letting someone down because when I went to bed at night I couldn't hide from the fact that I really didn't want one. I don't have to want one, and I don't have to have one... I also don't have to sabotage the dates, or the conversations after the 2nd date. It's okay to say no, and it's okay to enjoy being Just Jess...

I am single by choice, and I am proud of this choice at this point in time. I have goals that I want to accomplish before I start actively pursuing a serious relationship with anyone. If I find myself moving towards one, then so be it... but I refuse to look for one because I feel like I should... Just because of where I live. I am 21 in a few weeks, and I'm am going to fully enjoy being a single, happy, person for the next while!

Karma Say What!?

One of the very last things Stanley said to me was "Karma is a Bitch" and well... while I think that whole thing has more to do with him than anything else, I think Karma is playing with my playlist making skills... Every time I make a playlist I wind up laughing out loud at the irony of the songs, and the organization. Take the newest one for example...

Parade Of Happy Endings

I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair) - Sandi Thom
Happy Endings - Mika
Other Side Of The World - KT Tunstall
Bones - The Killers
I Don't Love You - My Chemical Romance
You Had Me - Joss Stone
New Soul - Yael Naim
Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) - Mika
Never Again - Kelly Clarkson
Hometown Glory - Adele
Sunset Borderline - Sandi Thom
The Story - Brandi Carlile
Mercy - Duffy
Violet Hill - Coldplay
Supper Massive Black Hole - Muse
When I'm Gone - Simple Plan
Parades - Allred
Put Your Hands On Me - Joss Stone

Now with some of these songs there is a story, but I really don't care to broadcast that across the Internet... so if you really want to know the story, text me, or email me! missjessmeredith@hotmail.com

Peace and Love...

P.S. For those of you who don't know, yes... my hair does in fact have dark violet panels in it... and I think it's freaking awesome! It will most likely stay for awhile.

Back In Touch With Reality...

Well, as many of you know I have been un-reachable for the past few days. My phone has been dead, and I was rather slow about replacing it. I will tell you right now, if it weren't for the absolute necessity of having a cell phone with me at all times (thank you health issues.) I would simply turn the thing off and enjoy the blissful peace that follows with the knowledge that I could disappear fully and entirely and no one would know where or how to find me. I have been more relaxed in those days without a phone than I have been in years. I didn't have to worry about who was calling, or why they were calling, or needing to check up on this or that... goodness! It did get a bit scary driving by myself knowing if anything happened I couldn't call for help... Though I enjoyed my short lived vacation I am back in touch with reality, and technology. I have been given a very high tech phone, and I'm finding I enjoy it, though it's been kicking my trash when it comes to texting speed. Those of you who have ever seen me on my phone know I was a wicked fast texter... it happens when it's your only means of communicating for 4 weeks of your life... Kara, darling girl, has given me a Motorolla Q Smart Phone. It's going to take some getting used to, but I am excited! When Kara said she had a phone I could have; I expected an older standard phone. You know, one of those flip phones everyone had when we were in high school. I was floored when she handed me the box with this phone. I am so thankful I have so many wonderful friends, new and old that are always so willing to stop and help no matter what the need is!

This is what the phone looks like. You'll have to be patient with me while I get acquainted with the in's and out's of this phone. I'll get it eventually!

For an update of everything... I've been getting to know a few people better, and it's been really exciting for me! These were people I've known from a distance for some time. Two in particular I met in high school, but we didn't ever talk until this past year. For some reason, they've come into the forefront and we've been talking fairly regularly. I find I am learning a lot from these individuals, and I am excited to see where things go! Also, there is a group of people in my singles ward that I've been associating with more and more. I am so grateful to have met these people. I actually sat and watched the superbowl for the first time in my life with them... Never though that would happen! I find myself looking forward to the Sunday lessons, and ward prayer afterwards. I remember aobut FHE, and I'm actually excited to go. Not because they will be there, but because I want to be there. I've always loved church, and being in a place that is spiritually uplifting, but never really felt I fit in. This ward did so much for me while I was in the hospital, and I will be forever in their debt, but I am so different from other ward members I tend to recieve odd looks when I speak up. I'm a bit more open-minded than most Mormons, and I find it creates a barrier between some of the more staunch members. I am completely accepted by this particular group of people and I think it's because the core 3 people and I have similar views on the difference between being LDS and being Mormon... It's been really nice being able to talk religion with someone, and not be judged because I say there is a huge difference between the gospel and the church.

I have been working with my daddy at his store for the past several weeks, and it's been going wonderfully! Papa and I have been getting along beautifully, and we've been able to get quite a bit done. We've gotten all the tv commercials filmed, and we're done with the main web videos for his shoe repair. Even the website is nearly finished. I love watching my daddy get so excited about how far we've come. We're very similar my dad and I, this is both a blessing and a curse. I am very stubborn and strong-willed, and I believe what I believe. I get a lot of that from him. It is great when we agree, but when we differ all Hell breaks loose. Though, it has made me a better person, I think. I wouldn't be as strong in my faith and in what I believe and the goals I have for myself if my daddy didn't challenge me to be that way.

My mom and I are so close to resolving the financial issues from the hospital adventure last summer, and that has been an enormous stress relief let me tell you what! I can't wait to have that over and done with so I can get back to school, and back on track with the plan I have for myself!

The week of the cruise went smoothly. I very nearly killed 'The Woman,' but stood my ground, and kept my temper in check. Thanks largely to the priesthood blessing I recieved from Gerry Graves, and his son Jacob Graves. Alaina and I were able to see the Draper Temple in the middle of all of this. Simply gorgeous! My family came home sunday night. Cameron was happy to see his parents again, but things are a bit different. It's been interesting these past few days. He's super sensitive, and testy. He refuses to sleep for longer than an hour unless he's in my arms, or he's with my mom being fed. My dad suggested we spray my pillow with my perfume, turn my bed on to a low heat and see if he'll sleep that way. My arms are rather tired from always having that adorable baby in my arms... Not to mention I'm rather bruised at the moment. I think my depth perception is broken yet again, as I have a bruise from every door, door-nob, door-frame, corner, or piece of furniture/machinery from both my house and my daddy's store.

Well, my nausea has gotten ahold of me again. I am going to try to see if I can't find some sort of rest tonight. I so hope they figure out what is wrong with my body, and soon!

I want my ibuprofen back! I have a migraine!

** Don't know why these are so much fun! (?) ***
Things you have done during your lifetime:
(X Not my favorite activity...) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
(X (great grandmother)I watched people watch me when I was dying, and I watched myself slowly deteriorate for 4 years... does that count?) Watched someone die
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawai
(X) Been on a plane
(X Lifelight - oddly it was windy in the helicopter...) Been on a helicopter
(X) Been lost
(X) Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X frequently, Midnight walmart runs...) Paid for a meal with coins only
(X) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(X many times. Strangely always accidental if it was negative. I'm trying to pay more attention now) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
(X I have some wickedly funny stories) Made prank phone calls
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X *no comments please. Though I will say... HOMERUN ;)*) Danced in the rain-naked
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(Well, Stanley had me pretend there was mistletoe one year... does that count?) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States
(X) Been in a hot air balloon
(X) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(X) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
( ) Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Been on a cruise
(X) Traveled by train
(X) Traveled by motorcycle
(X) Been horse back riding
(X) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
(X) Been to Disneyland
( ) Been to Disney World
(X) Truly believe in the power of prayer
(X) Been in a rain forest
(X) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
(X) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins
(X) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
(X) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to a Major League Baseball game
( ) Been to a National Football League game

...I Love Jesus... But I Drink A Little...

Victoria sent this youtube video to me. It's from Ellen. (Talk Show...) I thought is was hysterical!

Enjoy!




P.S. I love my new hair color!

Missing My Baby...

Gazing at me with those big beautiful blue eyes. One hand entangled in my hair, the other grasping the chain around my neck. This little boy was not going to let go. I had no intentions of leaving him alone. We have a connection baby and I. I take care of what he needs, and he just loves me. He misses his momma. I'm the closest he's got, and he's clinging to me. 'Baby' has stolen my whole heart. It's been just the 2 of us for the past 6 nights. Our family doesn't return home until Monday. Althea (My mom's mother...) has been watching the 2 little girls (Miranda-9, Emma-6) and baby during the day while I manage the Shoe Repair. He sleeps in my arms every night. He won't settle down with anyone else. The moment I walk in the door he wriggles, squirms, and cries until I take him up and hold him close. I find myself lost in those big expressive eyes of his, waiting for his smiles, and the sweet baby noises. I spend my mornings with him, and look forward to my evenings. This lovely boy hasn't had colic at all. He simply coos, and chatters at me while we play classical music in the background and get him all ready for bed. He loves curling up with the baby blue fleece blanket I have in my room. He sleeps with one hand holding onto my shirt, and the other holding the blue blanket to his face. He got to talk to momma yesterday when she called from the port. Anytime he'd hear her voice he'd start bubbling over with noises. Telling her all about his adventures. His face was so animated, his eyes all lit up. He knew her voice. When the phone line when quiet he rested his head on my shoulder and pressed his little face into my neck. He whimpered when I left for work, and woke up the instant he heard my voice when I walked in the door that evening. Last night my poor baby wouldn't settle for anything less than laying with his head over my heart, one hand tangled in my hair, he'd twisted his tiny fingers in the silver chain around my neck. I pulled the blue fleece blanket up around us and we curled up together in my already warm bed. (Thank the Lord for my heated mattress!) At about 3am I gave up trying to lay him on his side, right next to me. I gave in and just let him sleep with his head over my heart. This morning I couldn't get him to settle down for the life of me. I had to be with him, or at the very least within eye sight. He would not have it any other way. He sat and watched while I got ready for the day. Chattered and smiled while I got him bathed and dressed. He was calm and happy until the time came for me to leave him with Althea. That baby was not happy with me. The disappointment and abandonment rang clear in his baby eyes, and dang it his tear ducts have started to produce tears. My heart broke. I felt like a horrible person for leaving him. No parents until Monday night. I'm all he's got until they come home, and here I was abandoning him again. How I am going to manage it when I have my own children, if I have a hard time leaving my brother I'll never know. I've gotten used to him sleeping with me all night. I don't know what I'm going to do when it goes back to our normal routine of him coming into my room at 5am while our mom gets ready, and leaves for work.

P.S. On a lighter note, tomorrow it's out with the blue panels, and back with the red... only we're doing a vr instead of an rv this time... (violet/red vs red/violet.)

It's Better To Say To Much Than Never To Say What You Needed To Say Again...

Say - John Mayer
I can't stand when I get the distinct impression someone has something they want to say to me. When I know they have something they want me to know, understand, etc... Just say it! "It's better to say too much, then never to say what you needed to say again..."