AND! because I had no desire to post what I had written earlier. It will be posted tomorrow, and it will alter your current view of reality, and shock the socks off of your feet... as well they should be, because it is summer, and shoes are overrated... as well as socks... and yes. I have a fever... and yes, I am partially delirious... never makes for good decisions when it comes to the Internet, but whatever.
The Who’s:
Who Was The Last Person You Talked To?
Myself actually... I was debating on whether or not to drive to ice cream, or stay home and make an orange Julius
Who Was The Last Person You Were With, Besides Family?
Sunnie Lynn...
Who Was Your Last Kiss?
...? I think it was Gavin
Who Knows The Most About You?
Jo on history
Amber otherwise
Who Is Your Favorite Band, Rapper, Singer, etc.?
Thriving Ivory, Erin McCarley
Who Can Make You Laugh No Matter What?
Me...? I am pretty funny you know.
Who Can You Always Count On?
Myself or Jo... learning to count on others
Who Has Your Heart?
... I've been told I don't have one. Hahaha!
I've given my heart to God.
Who Is or Was Your Favorite Teacher In School?
Mr. Hassett
Who Is Your Crush?
Colin Firth
Who Is Your Best Friend(s)?
Jo, Amber, Sunnie, Brooke, Chris...
Who Loves You?
Um, who DOESN'T?
The What’s:
What Is Your Favorite Song At The Moment?
Love, Save The Empty - Erin McCarley
Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
Heart To Stone - Adele
Chains - Ingrid Michaelson
What Are You Looking Forward To?
Sleep
What Is Your Favorite Color?
Blue-green, purple
What Website Do You Visit Most?
blogger.com
What Is Your Favorite Smell?
old books
What Is Your Favorite Lil Wayne?
What the hell does this mean?
What Is Your Favorite Movie?
A&E Pride and Prejudice, and The Secret Garden, and Sleeping Beauty
What Is Your Favorite Season?
Autumn.
What Makes You Mad?
Many many things.
What Curse Word Do You Use Alot?
Shit or Ass. The most feminine of all the curse words.
What Kind Of Phone Do You Have?
Motorolla something or other
What Was The Last Song You Listened To?
Tymps (sick in the head) - Fiona Apple
The When’s:
When Was The Last Time You Went To The Mall?
Last Night - Sunnie and I bought an amazing dress that compliments my contours beautifully!
When Did You Talk To Your Crush Last?
...I don't actually have a crush at the moment... I suppose the guy I am casually dating would work... yes? Then it would be this morning.
When Do or Did You Graduate?
BHS - 2006
U of U - Summer/Fall - 2010
Stanford or Yale ...? - 2015
When Is The Next Time You’ll Do Something Fun?
tonight?
When Was The Last Time You Ate or Drank Something?
I am about to get up and get a glass of ice water.
When Is Your Birthday?
March 25
When Was The Last Time You Went To The Movies?
Last week sometime...
When Is Your Parents Birthday?
papa - 2/12
momma - 9/5
When Was Your First Kiss?
16
When Were You In The Car Last?
5 hours ago
When Will You Be 21?
I turned 21 last month
When Will You Be Taking Your Next Vacation?
next month
The Where’s:
Where Do You Live?
So. Jordan
Where Is The Best Place To Be?
Neverland
Where Was Your Last Vacation?
Neverland
Where Were You Born?
Salt Lake City
Where Is Your Best Friend?
Work - most likely
Where Do You Want To Live?
Some where along the coast with a mountains
Where Was The Last Place Your Were Besides Your Own House?
Outside.
Where Do You Think You’ll Be In 10 Years?
Hopefully not in Utah.
Where Is Your Cell Phone?
My bra, right boob...
Where Are Your Parents?
Upstairs, and at the shoe repair!
Where Was Your Display Picture Taken?
It was taken by Nathen in the entrance of my main floor bathroom.
Where Were You 24 Hours Ago?
Sitting in my room watching Bridget Jones Diary
My Baby Girl
Thank You America...
I have been reading some of the stupid laws (http://www.dumblaws.com/) we have in the grand old US of A... and I must say, Tennessee and Wisconsin have some of my personal favorites...
Tennessee:
You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property. (blue collar tv worthy!)
By law, anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground.
Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
Males may not be sexually aroused in public.
Wisconsin:
Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has.
It is unlawful for one to allow another to use the first person’s telephone in order to make prank phone calls.
If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day.
Nuclear weapons may not be manufactured in the city limits. (However... it is illegal to detonate an nuclear weapon in California withing city limits, and in Utah it is just plain illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon.)
I'd go on, but I suggest you look up the website for yourself. It's a royal good time!
Tennessee:
You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property. (blue collar tv worthy!)
By law, anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground.
Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
Males may not be sexually aroused in public.
Wisconsin:
Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has.
It is unlawful for one to allow another to use the first person’s telephone in order to make prank phone calls.
If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day.
Nuclear weapons may not be manufactured in the city limits. (However... it is illegal to detonate an nuclear weapon in California withing city limits, and in Utah it is just plain illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon.)
I'd go on, but I suggest you look up the website for yourself. It's a royal good time!
Higher Calling.
It's passing #2 for our neighborhood... both taken right before their missions. It's simply a testament to how truly great of a person they are. They were needed for a greater purpose. They were ready for heaven. And knowing that makes my heart sing for them. It's hard for those of us down here because when some one like that leaves us, it leaves a hole, and we all feel it... but to know that they had reached a level of greatness worthy of being called to serve on the other side, well... it just makes me want to be a better person, and live up to the legacy that they left in their short life.
Blake Streble was one of those kids that opened the doors for all the women he came in contact with. He always carried a smile, and would stop and ask you how you were doing. It was as though he knew you were having a hard day, so he'd stop and pay you a compliment. Regardless of whether he knew you well, or just knew your face. I met Blake when I moved to South Jordan. He lived around the corner from me. We were in the same ward. He always took care to invite my brother to the neighborhood things the boys would do. Football, basketball, and such. He came from good parents, and it's a compliment to them, how far Blake's influence has gone. We will all miss him. What happened was traumatic, and it shocked the world in which he lived... , but I can't find it in myself to be sad at his death, but to praise his progress here earth. So, here is to you Blake. Thanks for all you have done, and all you have touched. We are all better people because we knew you. Good luck with your mission! I know you'll continue to make a difference.
Blake Streble was one of those kids that opened the doors for all the women he came in contact with. He always carried a smile, and would stop and ask you how you were doing. It was as though he knew you were having a hard day, so he'd stop and pay you a compliment. Regardless of whether he knew you well, or just knew your face. I met Blake when I moved to South Jordan. He lived around the corner from me. We were in the same ward. He always took care to invite my brother to the neighborhood things the boys would do. Football, basketball, and such. He came from good parents, and it's a compliment to them, how far Blake's influence has gone. We will all miss him. What happened was traumatic, and it shocked the world in which he lived... , but I can't find it in myself to be sad at his death, but to praise his progress here earth. So, here is to you Blake. Thanks for all you have done, and all you have touched. We are all better people because we knew you. Good luck with your mission! I know you'll continue to make a difference.Beautiful Eyes In A Confused World...
It's so funny what people choose to see. More importantly what they choose to hear and say. I have been reading a book entitled The Gospels Of John In Contemporary Language, by Eugene H. Peterson. He opens his sentiments with the observation that speaking is the key to fixing the mistakes of the world. "That the fixing is accomplished by God speaking - God speaking salvation in the person of Jesus. Jesus, in his account, not only speaks the word of God; he is the Word of God." (Meaning the fruits of the gospel of John in the bible ie... what John was writing about.) He then explains with these remarks: "Keeping company with these words, we begin to realize that our words are more important that we ever supposed. Saying "I believe," for instance, marks the difference between life and death. Our words accrue dignity and gravity in conversations with Jesus. For Jesus doesn't impose salvation as a solution; he narrates salvation into being through leisurely conversation, intimate personal relationships, compassionate responses, passionate prayer, and -putting it all together- a sacrificial death. We don't casually walk away from words like that." While I agree with Eugene H. Peterson, I believe that our words are far more important that we ever supposed, for Christ himself said it is not so important what goes into your mouth as what comes out of it. Our words have the power to change lives, alter a person's reality, and create a society... However, I don't think he quite understands what he is trying to say. I don't mean to say he is incompetent, merely mistaken. As a Christian in the LDS faith I have been taught to believe, live, and understand that to have faith is not only to believe but to work. That to regain the highest level of salvation is to have an active faith. The belief behind that is supported and explained in James 2:14-18 15 Yea, a man may say, I will show thee I have faith without works; but I say, Show me thy faith without works, and I will show thee my faith by my works.
16 For if a brother or sister be naked and destitute, and one of you say, Depart in peace, be warmed and filled; notwithstanding he give not those things which are needful to the body; what profit is your faith unto such?
19 Thou believest there is one God; thou doest well; the devils also believe, and tremble; thou hast made thyself like unto them, not being justified.
21 Seest thou how works wrought with his faith, and by works was faith made perfect?
While I understand this is an extremely touchy and controversial issue, I wonder... isn't speaking an act of work? To speak is an action. To proselyte is a work. To preach is a work. To study, is a work. To ponder, to pray, to strive toward heaven. That is a work. The difference between your work, and my work, is I believe I am working towards a level of salvation. Resurrection is not salvation. All are Resurrected, but not all will be given the highest degree of Salvation. Salvation is to be saved to the next stage of progress. The first stage of progress is our life here on earth. My dad explained it to me using an analogy that I find quite interesting. He said "They say if you have enough faith, you can move a mountain right?" I responded with yes. He said "I know I have enough faith to move that mountain in front of me, but at what point do you know you have enough faith to move the mountain?" I gave him the typical answer... He said "The point at which you know you have enough faith to move that mountain is when you go to the bottom and stick a shovel in it, and take out the first shovel full of dirt." I loved that! It was perfectly worded! To have faith is to act upon it. To work towards gaining a testimony, and an immovable knowledge in your Savior, and his gospels. If you merely say "I believe" it does nothing more than move the air in front of your mouth, unless you move towards continually proving, and supporting those words. Did not Christ act upon his faith? Did he not show his faith through his works? Did his disciples not follow in his footsteps? Why has Christ then asked of us to work, if not for our salvation, then for what? He has this world, and all that resides in it. Our works are for us. He has given us the gift of the Atonement. The chance to be forgiven of all sins, to be resurrected, and to return to our Father in Heaven, our Brother and Savior Jesus The Christ, and our Heavenly Mother. I am not saying the rest of the Christian world is mistaken in their belief that to be saved is simply to believe. I feel that belief is simply the first step... but there is more to it, just as there are more books of scripture. The Lord never stopped teaching. He didn't just perform miracles, and send Angels in biblical times. He said I am the same today, tomorrow, and Forever... He is still to this day, actively working, in and of faith. Today, Tomorrow, and Forever.
While I understand this is an extremely touchy and controversial issue, I wonder... isn't speaking an act of work? To speak is an action. To proselyte is a work. To preach is a work. To study, is a work. To ponder, to pray, to strive toward heaven. That is a work. The difference between your work, and my work, is I believe I am working towards a level of salvation. Resurrection is not salvation. All are Resurrected, but not all will be given the highest degree of Salvation. Salvation is to be saved to the next stage of progress. The first stage of progress is our life here on earth. My dad explained it to me using an analogy that I find quite interesting. He said "They say if you have enough faith, you can move a mountain right?" I responded with yes. He said "I know I have enough faith to move that mountain in front of me, but at what point do you know you have enough faith to move the mountain?" I gave him the typical answer... He said "The point at which you know you have enough faith to move that mountain is when you go to the bottom and stick a shovel in it, and take out the first shovel full of dirt." I loved that! It was perfectly worded! To have faith is to act upon it. To work towards gaining a testimony, and an immovable knowledge in your Savior, and his gospels. If you merely say "I believe" it does nothing more than move the air in front of your mouth, unless you move towards continually proving, and supporting those words. Did not Christ act upon his faith? Did he not show his faith through his works? Did his disciples not follow in his footsteps? Why has Christ then asked of us to work, if not for our salvation, then for what? He has this world, and all that resides in it. Our works are for us. He has given us the gift of the Atonement. The chance to be forgiven of all sins, to be resurrected, and to return to our Father in Heaven, our Brother and Savior Jesus The Christ, and our Heavenly Mother. I am not saying the rest of the Christian world is mistaken in their belief that to be saved is simply to believe. I feel that belief is simply the first step... but there is more to it, just as there are more books of scripture. The Lord never stopped teaching. He didn't just perform miracles, and send Angels in biblical times. He said I am the same today, tomorrow, and Forever... He is still to this day, actively working, in and of faith. Today, Tomorrow, and Forever.
Soap Box...
So... I am stepping on to my soap box and broadcasting this across the Internet. I am sick and tired of people telling me that a certain race is a minority, or they feel be-litted by people. Step up people, and stand up for yourself. It isn't about everyone else, it's about you! It's about how you react to a situation, and what you do to retaliate. I am taking a stand, putting my self on a pedestal and announcing my opinion to the Internet. Heaven help me, I know this may get me in to trouble. But... I am not doing this alone, I am taking assistance from the well known comedian, and family man... Bill Cosby... this is his opinion, and coincidentally, I share his opinion on this particular issue in today's society... I don't mean to separate out or discriminate against anyone in particular, or any specific people in particular. It's simply this is an issue we all hear about on a daily basis. It's one we all are able to relate to in one way or another. We are all living in the same world. We all share the same air. We all have to take repercussions from everyone's actions. I have said this many, many times, and I will say it until I am blue in the face. It isn't about everyone else, it's about you!
'They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English. I can't even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. And then I heard the father talk. Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth. In fact, you will never get any kind of job making a decent living. People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around. The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids. $500 sneakers for what? And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics. I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit. Where were you when he was 2? Where were you when he was 12? Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol? And where is the father? Or who is his father? People putting their clothes on backward: Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong? People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack: isn't that a sign of something? Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all types of needles [piercing] going through her body? What part of Africa did this come from?? We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa ...... I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid. I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany, Scotland, England, Ireland, or the Netherlands. The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa. So stop, already! ! ! With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ..... And all of them are in jail. Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem. We have got to take the neighborhood back. People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now. We have millionaire football players who cannot read. We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job. Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us. We have to start holding each other to a higher standard."
"We cannot blame the white people any longer."
Dr. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed.D.
Thank you very much Bill Cosby! It's NOT about color... It's about behavior!!! Again, this isn't discriminating against anyone in particular. It's showing that no one should be held above another. It's about living in a world peacefully, because the economy is going down hill, and it isn't the fault of one race, creed, etc... it's everyone in this nation. We all helped make this mess, it's our responsibility to make it better and fighting about racism isn't helping anyone. It isn't about everyone else's problems, it isn't how everyone else started it... It's about how YOU react. It's about YOU learning, and YOU taking care of yourself. YOU choose to be happy, and YOU choose to feel offended. So, step off your island there, put a bandaid on your owie, and for the love of all that is good in this world, live up to the potential you have! It's all about the can do's, and the will, but only YOU can make it happen, because You are the Creator, and the leader in your life!
Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. And then I heard the father talk. Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth. In fact, you will never get any kind of job making a decent living. People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around. The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids. $500 sneakers for what? And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics. I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit. Where were you when he was 2? Where were you when he was 12? Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol? And where is the father? Or who is his father? People putting their clothes on backward: Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong? People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack: isn't that a sign of something? Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all types of needles [piercing] going through her body? What part of Africa did this come from?? We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa ...... I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid. I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany, Scotland, England, Ireland, or the Netherlands. The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa. So stop, already! ! ! With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ..... And all of them are in jail. Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem. We have got to take the neighborhood back. People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now. We have millionaire football players who cannot read. We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job. Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us. We have to start holding each other to a higher standard."
"We cannot blame the white people any longer."
Dr. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed.D.
Thank you very much Bill Cosby! It's NOT about color... It's about behavior!!! Again, this isn't discriminating against anyone in particular. It's showing that no one should be held above another. It's about living in a world peacefully, because the economy is going down hill, and it isn't the fault of one race, creed, etc... it's everyone in this nation. We all helped make this mess, it's our responsibility to make it better and fighting about racism isn't helping anyone. It isn't about everyone else's problems, it isn't how everyone else started it... It's about how YOU react. It's about YOU learning, and YOU taking care of yourself. YOU choose to be happy, and YOU choose to feel offended. So, step off your island there, put a bandaid on your owie, and for the love of all that is good in this world, live up to the potential you have! It's all about the can do's, and the will, but only YOU can make it happen, because You are the Creator, and the leader in your life!
Alright, Alright! Stop whining! I'll update...
I think I got shorter... I mean really... that or my pants went through a growth spurt. I pulled a pair out of the dryer, put them on, and they were longer! At least they fit around the waist! No, I haven't gained real weight it's because well, the infection is still holding hostage in my appendix. It's nice in some ways... I no longer have to keeps tabs on my belts. In fact, I don't think I could find any one of the 12 billion belts I have...
Sunnie has given me a new look once again. Only this one won't fade. We cut a lot of hair off. Before you all get your panties in a bunch... it's just layers. I didn't take a lot of length off. The layers are alternative, which is more fun for me. I am able to play with them, and what not. I love her all the more as time goes by! Sunnie Lynn Rushton you are a work and a wonder!
It has been raining for the past week, and I am in love with it. The snow, may die. I promise I wouldn't mind... But the rain is more than welcome to stay! It means summer dresses, and shorts are well on their way. I would love it if I could put away my sweaters, and just wear my summer dresses every day.
The music world has taken my heart. It is official. Music is my Mr. Right. While there are a few boys happening in my life (it may or may not be what you think...) music is still my goodnight kiss. I don't think there are many with more music selections than I. (Aside from the all amazing Courtland Gustafson...) I don't know how much more my i-tunes, or my window media will be able to hold. The Fall Out Boy concert was phenomenal! (Just in case you were wondering, and Thanks to Ammi for the tickets!) Also, in light of the artistry in music... I have been doing a lot of sketching of late, and I finished another painting. Works of art... Yes, I am taking a moment of self-glorified enthusiasms and excitement at what I have created.
There is a feeling I have stirring inside... it's feels as though a piece of my past is conferring with my present, and what that holds for my future only time will tell. What I do know, is God has everything in his hands, so whatever needs to happen... Will happen. I am so grateful for what I have been given, and I pray that whatever is coming will bring happiness in the end, to all involved. What I do know are the months of May, July, August, (the beginning of) September, October, (end of) November, and December will all hold treasures that will shake the world in which I live. I have yet to be wrong on the dates I have given and predicted for the shocking events that have happened in the past few months. Praise the heavens for intuition! It gives me a buffer for things that are coming. Thanks to everyone who has stood with me through the present situation. (Did I not say April would bring something big!?) It will get better. Irony is sweet, is it not!? Well... at least I am able to laugh at it. What more is there for us to do, than enjoy what life has to bring, laugh at what we cannot, and move forward with the rest. If there is one thing I know for sure it is my life has never been slow.
Casualties Of The Mind...
(Note: There are 3 individual voices speaking in this post...)
The storm is coming but I don't mind. People are dying, I close my blinds. All that I know is I'm breathing now. I want to change the world, instead I sleep. I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay today. So I act cool, on the outside. But it's eating me alive... Cause when it comes to you, there's nothing I can do. I've heard it all before. I see it in your eyes. I'm the compromise. Well, I can't take another slow goodbye. We took one step forward, two steps back. So confused it's like I'm lost. What went wrong, what made you go? Don't pretend you don't know. When did we fall apart, or did you lie from the start when you said it's only you. I was blind, such a fool. Figured we were un-breakable. It was you and me against the world. I gotta know what made me unbeautiful. This is my one and only voice, so listen close it's only for today. This is me. I'm unchangeable. You say it's all in my head and the things I say just don't make sense. So where you been then, don't go all coy. Don't turn it around on me like it's my fault... I see you, you see me... differently... I'm not angry, I'm just saying... sometimes goodbye is a second chance. I'm not afraid of what I have to say. You tell me that you love me, but you never want to see me again. I am giving up on greener grasses. All I can do is keep breathing, all we can do is keep breathing... I just want to feel something today. I just want to know today, know that maybe I will be okay.
I cannot go to the ocean. I cannot try the streets at night. I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind. So you're gone and I'm haunted, and I'll bet you are just fine. Did I make it just that easy to walk right in and out of my life. Goodbye my almost lover. Goodbye my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you. Can't you just let me be?
Forgive me first love, but I'm tired. I need to get away, to feel again. Try to understand why. Don't get so close, you'll change my mind. Please wipe that look out of your eyes, it's bribing me to doubt myself... simply tired... I don't know what I've done, or if I like what I've begun. And honey you know me it's all or none. There were sounds in my head. Little voices whispering that I should go and this should end. Oh and I found myself listening. 'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you. All I know is that I should. And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you. All I know is that I should.
'Cause she will love you more than I could. She who dares to stand where I stood...
'Cause he will love you more than I could. He who dares to stand where I stood...
*So little to say, but so much time... These days when I see you, you make it look like I'm see-through. Do tell me why you waste our time, when your heart ain't in it, and your not satisfied. You know I know just how you feel, I find myself starting to feel that way too... You grace me with your cold shoulder. Whenever you look at me I wish I was her. So, goodbye my almost lover. Goodbye my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you. can't you just let me be. So long my loveless romance, my back is turned on you. Should have known you'd bring me heartache. Almost lovers always do...
Called her mamma, cried like a baby to her best friend. If they've seen her, they ain't sayin... Now, I'm cursing like a fool, praying it ain't too late All I wanna do is fix my mistakes. Find her beg her for one more try, until then damn it I'll.. Be driving like hell. Flying like crazy down the highway. Calling everyone we know. Stopping any place she might be. Going any place she might go. Beating on the dash, screaming out her name at the windshield... Tears soaking up my face... If I had loved her this much all along, maybe maybe, yeah maybe... She wouldn't be gone..
Oh we'd never want to see you unhappy. We thought you'd want the same for us. So, goodbye our hopeless lover. Good bye our hopeless dream. We're trying not think about you. Can't you just let us be. So long our loveless romance, our backs are turned on you. Should have known you'd bring us heartache. Almost lovers always do...
Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
Unbeautiful, Slow Goodbye - Lesley Roy
Cold Shoulder, First Love - Adele
Be Ok, Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson
Swans - Unkle Bob
Second Chance - Shinedown
Not Meant To Be - Theory Of A Deadman
Where I Stood - Missy Higgins
She Wouldn't Be Gone - Blake Shelton
For those of you who know all 3 sides to this story, or are willing to try... here are our voices. Here is our song. Will you stop to listen, or will you simply carry on... I say this aloud, in the only way I know how... I know you, though you hide from me... I still understand the things you do... I just wish you'd hear me this once... because maybe, just maybe... I thought you'd benefit from the silence I've taken in these past few months... I have your answers, I've had them since day one... but you had too much pride to listen to the words I'd begun... I wish you'd stop and hear me out... you may not call me friend, but I still know your heart.
Songs In My Pockets.
Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better. - Anonymous
Have you ever had someone put you on the shelf to see if they can't find something better. Have you ever been put on hold, or removed from the equation... despite the fact that you were the secret that held all the answers. Now you are stuck on a pedestal, watching as they struggle to solve the problem, but can't because that one crucial exponent is now missing... Oh how your heart aches to watch them flounder, and swim in circles, but what can you do. You sit, you pray, and you watch from the shadows. Wait while they step forward, take two steps back, and wander back to you. Don't close the door, but don't leave it hanging wide open. You still have to move forward with your life, you still have to accept that they may never find the answer... and it isn't your fault. Continue on, grow, change, and become that person you always wanted to be. They'll find a way to make it through, even without you. So live, stretch forth your hand and welcome a new future. The world still turns, the sun still rises, and the music still touches your soul. Look forward to a new day, and smile at the beauty around you. Your intuition is the law, and reason is the voice. Life is still beatuiful. You'll be okay, close your eyes and find your place of comfort... Find where your heart is home.
The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift. - Albert Einstein
I Want To Change The World, Instead I Sleep...
I hate that people can effect your mood; and how you can care about someone, and they care about you, but you can't seem to dig through all the crap that keeps you distant... or maybe it's wont... I hate money; and I hate the fact that it doesn't really even exist anymore. It's jut a decimal point. What happened to a society based on needs, rather than who has more to throw around. I hate how cold it is when I get out of the shower, and how I always slip. Without fail. Every day. I hate that you can miss someone who is right next to you, and how you can be not quite strangers, but not quite friends. Why not just bridge the gap, and throw away pride. I hate pride, and all the damage it causes. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I hate traffic and cars, Utah drivers and stop lights. I hate tight corners, crowded places, empty spaces... Just one of those days.
It's those days when you can't seem to do anything right. When no matter what you say, someone is hurt, or upset. Your toast falls butter side down, and there aren't any more slices left in the bag. It's the day you get a flat, and someone hits your car on the freeway. It's a bad day, and you can't wait for it to end. So you insert your ear phones ad blare Daniel Powter - Bad Day. Close your eyes, hold your breath, and re-live your favorite memory; as you let your air release you throw your hands up, ask why me and praise the heavens that there is always tomorrow... Now bend down and pick up the books you dropped during your 2-minute holiday, and pick a better memory next time...
Good luck my friend.
Remember there is always tomorrow. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. And the keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities...
It's those days when you can't seem to do anything right. When no matter what you say, someone is hurt, or upset. Your toast falls butter side down, and there aren't any more slices left in the bag. It's the day you get a flat, and someone hits your car on the freeway. It's a bad day, and you can't wait for it to end. So you insert your ear phones ad blare Daniel Powter - Bad Day. Close your eyes, hold your breath, and re-live your favorite memory; as you let your air release you throw your hands up, ask why me and praise the heavens that there is always tomorrow... Now bend down and pick up the books you dropped during your 2-minute holiday, and pick a better memory next time...
Good luck my friend.
Remember there is always tomorrow. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. And the keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities...
Tear Drop Splash...
Have you ever run out into the street in the middle of a rain storm, flung your arms out and spun until it felt as though gravity was going to pull your fingers from you. Eyes closed, face lifted to the sky letting the rain cool your tear stained face... Have you ever felt as though your chest had a huge hole in it, so you walk around with your arms wrapped tightly about you, holding everything together... It's in those moments of weakness, of darkness, and un-surety, when keeping the faith that everything will be okay, and that everything happens for a reason is the hardest. But it's in those moments that faith is the most needed, and most often lost.
I am struggling with everything I have going on, and I am taking a huge risk in telling all of this to the world, but I need to believe there is still some hope out there, because I think my full glass may have sprung a leak. It's coming up on the year mark, for the day I first went into hospital care. It's been 314 days since my ambulance ride to Alta View Hospital. 306 days since the life-light from Alta View to LDS Hospital. 295 since I was released from LDS Hospital, and 274 from the day the picc line was removed and I was discharged from all hospital care of any and all kinds. I still struggle with all that I went through, and all that happened. It all came about so fast, and slow at the same time. I never really talk about everything I went through because I don't really understand everything that happened, and I'm not sure that I want to. I've always tried to live my life with no regrets; and so far I've done alright, but I remember everything I heard, and felt in the most crucial of days... and I don't know where to turn when the memories hit. Knowing you are dying, and knowing your chances of survival are not 100%, watching, and hearing your family say goodbye, and prepare for what may happen. Listening to the nurses whisper, and knowing they aren't sure whether you'll survive this next surgery because it is so close to the one before it. To be told you could die on the table... To hear the people who make up your world, your very best friend, your little sister, your Jo, your uncle Jesse, mom and dad, cry, beg you not to give up, just to fight for a little longer. To hear that from the people who fill your heart, who have pulled you through everything, tell you they love you... and not being able to say it back... how do you process that? The two voices that stay with me are the two that happened over the phone. Stanley and Leesa. The day before I underwent the surgery to remove the infection from my heart, and lungs; I had a consult with Dr. Collins. One of the best thoracic heart surgeons in the state. (or so I was told.) He explained the procedure, answered all of my questions, and my dads. He was straight forward, honest, no sugar coating. I appreciated the honesty, but one thing bothered me. I had very little strength. It had only been two days since I had walked around the ICU at Alta with nurse Kim. I had started to cry because I couldn't breathe, I couldn't hold my head up for very long, my feet felt like lead, and I couldn't understand why. I had been getting better. The next morning I was awakened to Dr. Meads sitting on the edge of my bed, with nurse Kim, and a few others standing about me checking for different things. I was told that I was fading fast and they were getting a life-light team to transfer me to University Hospital. It didn't feel right to me, but there was little I could do. I could feel my life slipping. My vision was fading, and I knew I wasn't going to be able to fight much longer. I remember feeling like I was in a dream, as I was prepped for the life-light and surgery all at the same time. I was taken to LDS instead of University, and only the Lord knows why LDS was the better hospital. I remember waking up that evening after the 2nd emergency surgery I'd had in a week, and begging for water. No one could hear me, as the treach had blocked all sound. I remember grabbing my daddy, tears streaming and still, begging for water. He couldn't understand, and the look of helplessness on his face just made the tears come faster. I hated the nurse for wearing pink. Now to be told I had a 70% chance of survival, but it was all on me. I didn't have the strength, and I knew it. I had one moment of weakness. I had nothing left to give, and I wanted to give up. I was tired. I felt Stanley should know. For some reason, I felt he deserved to know I was letting go. When he reacted instantly, and his phone call, asking me to replay Come What May in my head over and over and over again, and then to hear his voice break as he said I Love You. I lost it, I couldn't do it, I couldn't stand making him cry. I frantically tried to push buttons to say it back, but no matter what I did, it wasn't my voice, so it wasn't the same. My mom's family came in to wish me luck and to say their goodbye's. I got a phone call from Leesa in the middle of all the last pictures. She told me she loved me, that I couldn't leave her. I had to say with her because she didn't think she could do it without me. I laid there powerless, listening to my 14 year old sister sobbing on the phone. I couldn't leave it at that. I couldn't just do nothing, but I had nothing left to give. I received one last priesthood blessing from my bishopric, and the elders quorum president, and my home teacher Aaron. My mom and Leesa came in soon after that, and Leesa came and gave me a hug. I refused to let go for a long time. I just sat there and cried with her. My heart drowning in all the 'I love you's, and please don't cry's' I could ever possibly have to say, but didn't have the power. I had 6 hours to the most dangerous surgery I hope to ever have in my life. This was my last chance to say good bye. The nurse came in to insert the artline (a devise that will show the blood pressure wirelessly. meaning no stupid arm cuff) for the surgery. Just as with the picc line. I could feel every little thing despite the numbing shots. My body is extremely sensitive, but my pain tolerance is high. However, that was the single most excruciatingly painful experience I have ever had in my life. I was sobbing, but I couldn't move, or he'd mis-insert it, and that could be dangerous. My mom held my hand for both comfort (for the both of us) and a way for me to concentrate on staying still. Because of the silence, and the look of pain that was on my face, Leesa left the room. She was in hysterics, and couldn't handle watching me go through that. After 2 hours of trying, both the nurse, and my mom crying with me, we called in my night nurse Katie, and asked her to phone down to the OR and ask if they could put the artline in once I was under the effects of anesthesia. Due to the crying and the stress, I had to ask to be suctioned so that I could breath again. (It was more my air numbers dropping, and the alarm going off saying I was suffocating.) To have your air taken from you is one of the most terrifying things a person will go through. That is your life source. I had no control over my air, for 3 weeks, I had no control over it. When the tube would get blocked from different things, they'd do what is called 'suctioning.' It's where they insert a straw-like tube down the treach tube, and it vacuums out the blockage, along with what air I did have. The force of it would cause my chest to cave in, and I'd have to cough against it to open my lungs, or we couldn't get everything out. It hurt like hell, but I had to breathe, and there was no other way. (picture one of those airtight storage bags as your lungs, and coughing against the force trying to get all the air from the bag.) I grew to dread the moments when I could feel my airway blocked, when I'd have to cough, and could see the blood clots, and bits of infection come back through the tube... I don't know how to get the images from my head. I don't know how to process everything that happened anymore because I feel I should be fully healed by now. It's been nearly a year, but it is still a daily struggle, the incision lines, and lung tube sites still ache, and the muscles are still sore. I love my life, and cherish every moment I have ever dearly, but I have my moments when I wonder why. I have those nights when I wake up in tears because I am flying above Salt Lake City saying goodbye. I am listening to Stanley cry over the phone, and ask me to keep going. I am watching Leesa leaving the room sobbing because I couldn't handle the pain. Everyone is taking one last picture, and I am tied to a monitor helpless. I have my moments when I get quiet because the loneliness in my struggle will hit. I have my moments of weakness because I don't understand what the struggle is meant for if just to lose my best friend, get into a car accident, and fight with my family and those people who stood with me through those 3 1/2 months. I don't know how to do it all sometimes. I blame my dad for disappearing, and resenting me as a kid. I blame my mom for the things she can't control. I blame Stanley for leaving, for his secrets, and I blame him for running away. I blame myself most of the time, for having what I consider to be weakness. And, I shouldn't. It isn't fair, or warranted, or deserved by any of these people, or those that I get frustrated with, or upset with. I will be forever grateful for the fasting and prayers that saved my life. I am happy. I have a very happy disposition, especially now, oddly enough. I am forever an optimist to a fault, but I have my moments. There are those moments when I feel so alone, when I have no where to go because the memories, the images, the scents, and the sounds are forever with me. I have days when I miss breathing to the sound of the rain drops hitting my ICU window. (It rained nearly every day I was in both of those hospitals) There are moments when I miss that awful hospital bed, and having only to focus on healing. When all I had to do was breath through the pain, and push the nurse call button when I couldn't. Monday was one of those days when I ran outside in the middle of the freezing rain, and came in only when my fingers were numb from the cold, and it had started to snow. Monday was on of those moments when I walked around with my arms holding my insides in, because I could feel a breeze through the hole in my chest. Monday was one of those rare instances when I wondered why.
Have you ever craved the gray clouds, the sound of the pitter patter of rain dancing around you as it cascades through the air. Have you ever prayed for the colors that come when the sun is pushed out of the sky by a strong, and wet southern wind... just because rain fills the holes...
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