I realized last night I was sort of torturing myself by watching shows like House, and Grey's Anatomy. There are still things from my hospital experience that haunt my dreams. I woke up crying last night after I re-lived suffocating. I know what caused it. I watched a
tracheotomy in both shows. Suffocation is my worst fear. I've experienced it too many times to not be terrified of it. When you have a trache, it doesn't necessarily stop the suffocation. When the trache becomes blocked they do what they call
suction. It hurts like Hell. They place a small suction tube down the trache, into the lungs to suction out whatever it is blocking the airway. What happens is they suction, and it immediately removes all of the air from your lungs, and you have to cough to try and inflate your lungs again while they make it impossible. I dreaded suction, but there were times when it was the only way I was going to be able to get air to my lungs again. It almost wasn't worth the pain, and fear, and the struggle. The hardest part was watching the people in my room have to watch my entire chest cave in, and the tears stream down my face while I fought for air. But I had to try. I always wake up crying, after awakening myself by screaming in my head to breathe because I was still needed here. There are times when I feel a little down on myself because I am still trying to move past these nightmares, flashbacks, whatever you want to call them. It has been just over 3 years, and I still struggle to accept everything that was experienced. Not just by me, but by everyone around me as well. Aaron constantly reminds me that in time, and with a little patience and faith, it will get easier.
Since I have been married the nightmares have become less of a threat, and have even slowed down. I wake up and I see Aaron's face. I no longer have to sit and breath slowly for however long and tell myself that it is over. That I had amazing doctors, and nurses that saved my life more than once in those four weeks. Now all I have to do is reach over and lay my hand on Aaron's chest, and I am able to relax, lay down, and go back to sleep. His slow even breathing, and steady heartbeat never fails to calm me. To know that when, and/or if anything happens he will be right next to me holding my hand telling me everything will be alright.
God blessed me with a wonderful, loving, man who has a golden heart and the uncanny ability to be exactly what I need in every way. And I could not be more grateful for him!
