Dear You...

A dear friend of mine is a student at Berkley, and he introduced me to a friend of his that attends Yale. Both of these amazing people are psych majors (An indulgence of mine, and something I'd also like to pursue!) I was visiting with both of them this past weekend and we were all talking about the frustrations and annoyances, and the "toxins" in our daily lives. It ended up turning to gossip and basically venting about the different people in our lives and how it is often difficult to understand why some people do the things they do when it makes no logical or linear sense. Each one of us was mainly dealing with 3 types. 

1: Someone who cannot seem to balance the people in their life, or personal struggles and expects people to just understand without offering any sort of help in understanding. (If that makes any sense.) 

2: Someone who self-pities and relies on other people to buoy them up and all but talk them into self-confidence. 

3: A flake. Someone who won't stick to plans or promises made.  

I'm confident in saying most people know one or two people who fit into these categories. As the three of us talked we realized we were losing bits of ourselves to these different people because we had gotten caught up in the drama of it all! It's silly, I know, to let a person influence you to a point of obsession... But each one of us is prone to dropping our issues and what we are doing to help someone. It consumes our thoughts because we care about these people, but they frustrate us because they either won't let us in to help, or they don't accept or act upon the advise or suggestions we offer. We continue try to support them as best we can and deal with having it thrown in our faces in one way or another... or so it seems. Yale brought up an assignment she'd been given in the past that had helped her realize the depth, and put these "toxic emotions" into perspective. It also helped her understand exactly what it was she was feeling and what step to take next. A professor in one of her classes had asked them to write a letter encompassing all the frustrations and vexations they were personally experiencing because of the influence of other people in their life. The letter was to be titled Dear You, and written to encompass everyone in their personal life that was currently influencing them with "toxic" emotion, without disclosing extremely personal information outside of said emotion. And! Without being able to identify the differentiation of people in the letter. Berkley pulled out a notebook and several pens, and we all started to write. (One thing I have learned about Ivy League students: they almost always have paper and a pen on them.) By the time we all looked up, we all had tears in our eyes. (Yes, I cried... go figure...) We read them aloud, and each one of us admitted that each of these letters told us quite a bit about ourselves. We realized our needs weren't being met, and because our needs weren't being met we didn't understand how to help the other people. It's the whole 'You can't love someone until you love yourself,' and/or 'You can't help someone until you've helped yourself.' At least that is how I understood it. It has always been easier for me to write down what I am feeling than trying to express them verbally. For me personally, I was able to see what I was really frustrated with, and what it was I was actually feeling. It was very good to know, and now I am better able to move towards managing the stress I am feeling. 

It was a really good experience and I so loved feeling supported and validated. It is always a help to know you aren't alone in what you are feeling or going through. I'd suggest this exercise to anyone and everyone.