Possibly Dangerous Word Vomit...

Knowing my history, as some of you do... this could potentially be an extremely dangerous post, but I am going to do my best to not say something that I shouldn't. Also, note the main title of my blog, 'Some Days You Shouldn't Ask.' It wasn't just cute, and clever, but a warning label. Because  Some Days, you really should not ask me what I was thinking, or what on earth I mean. 

This being said, I have a few secret confessions for you...

   1.) I am an optimist. It's almost suffocating sometimes. As frustrating as my situation is right now, I can't flush out the knowledge that all of this is happening for a reason. I have this faith that the Lord will provide, and all will be alright in the end. I can't help but see the world through a glass that is half full, though I do my best to also be a realist.

   2.) Pride. I am extremely prideful, and it's beginning to hinder me. I know we are told pride is something we need to rid ourselves of, but it's not that easy to pull the rug out from under your own feet and intentionally knock yourself to the ground bruising your hands and knees.

   3.) I have all of these life goals and things I want to accomplish, but I can't seem to find my way out of my current situation. I feel so tethered to my house, and my responsibility to my family that I diminish my goals and dreams. It's unhealthy I know, but my loyalty to my family it too great. I won't abandon them. I can't abandon them, I don't know how.

   4.) I want more than anything to be going to school. I would even love to be able to do those Independent Study courses BYU offers. I would in fact willing go limbless (yes I know that would greatly hinder my ability to do anything, but I would still be able to hear, and therefore learn something.), or homeless to go to school, but there things standing in my way. It's possible they are just mental blocks and I need to find some way around, over, or through them... but I can't see past them. Scholarships. I've been told time and time again, grants, scholarships, loans. Take them out. I don't know the first thing about scholarships, or how to find them, or where to figure this out. I have friends who have them, and who apply for them every year... but again. Pride. I'd have to admit I wasn't as skilled as they were. So, I am stuck, and the little I know about grants... I'd have to be living on my own to even apply for them. Suck-ish, no?

   5.) Money. I have a great lack of monetary funding. The economy is absolutely awful right now, so the job market is low. Especially for someone like me. My medical history is the biggest reason I have been turned down. I started an online file for all the rejection emails I received, just because it became so funny they all said similar things. "Your experience, work ethics, and employment qualities are exactly what we are looking for, but we don't feel you would be the right person for this job." Upon further information sought the responses I receive are one of two."Your medical history and background is working against you. We need someone we can count on to be at work everyday..." and, "We didn't like the fact that you had to file a medical bankruptcy." (I was denied for every financial aid I applied for. From hospital financial aid, to independently owned institutions. I had $300,000.00 + in medical bills from my hospital excursions in 2008. That doesn't include the ambulance and the life light. That number is strictly the amount for the hospital. I had no health insurance at that point in time. I had been removed from mine the month previous (Which funny enough, was one of the best in state.) because I had to let go of my job at target. I couldn't keep up with two jobs energy wise. I, stupidly enough, committed to the job at the credit union which backfired in more ways than just losing my health insurance. I was left with $300,000.00 + in medical bills and no job. It was my last resort. What else could I have done?)

   6.) I have an undying love for the New York Times, and a now-not-so-secret love for politics and world news.

   7.) I come across as a stuck up, for lack of a better or more fitting term, bitch. Because I become quiet and introverted in an unfriendly or uncomfortable situation, it leads people to the wrong conclusion. If I try and talk, I sound like a hard-hearted, up-tight, rude, know-it-all... Not my favorite attribute. I'll blame it on my Zodiac... ;)

   8.) I have a temper. It doesn't often flair up. I'm not one of those people who are easily annoyed. Lately though, my temper is always around the corner, and everything seems to bug! Seriously! I have never wanted to punch so many people in the face in my life!

   9.) As much as I love my family, and as loyal as I am to the responsibilities I have, I am beginning to resent them for my feeling trapped in my current situation. It's not logical, and this shouldn't be happening, but I can't figure out how to shake this creeping feeling. I am so grateful for all that my family has done for me, but at the same time, if my mother hadn't had 3 accident children I wouldn't be so tied to this house. (I calculated the hours I spend withing these 4 walls - on average 164.5 hours a week. Can you blame me for being so tired of this place, and in desperate need for adult conversation!?) Miranda, Emma, and Cameron, medically should not have happened. Which, tells me three things. A: My mother is freaking fertile. B: These children serve a purpose, and should be here. C: They do not deserve these feelings of secret loathing, and blame I am placing on their shoulders. I am their oldest sister, and I should be able to handle being a second mother to them, and filling in where my parents cannot. It isn't so much Cameron (who continually fills my heart to it's brim and is my pride and joy every day), as it is the two little girls. Miranda is 10, and Emma is 7. The most annoying, and aggravating ages. It could just be that they miss their mother, who works all day (Target: 7am-11am, JetBlue: 3:15-midnight) and father who also works all day (Michaels Expert Shoe and Boot Repair, and Orthotics Lab: 9am- whenever he finishes his work) and they are acting out because of that... or I am just a horrible tyrant who makes them act that way. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to make it go away.

   10.) I'm not shy, but I am quiet. I like to talk, but wait until I know what I say will be heard. I love to sit in the background and people watch, but I love attention and being noticed in a positive manner. I'm quickly finding I am a walking contradiction, and I really don't mind it.

   11.) I am someone who always has a handful of close friends, and has an ocean of other friends I talk to throughout the day. My phone has been very still these past few months. I know one of the biggest reasons is I have re-connected with 2 old friends during the latter part of last year. I don't know why, but it's pushed my other friends away. I don't spend any more time with the 2 than I did with anyone else. I don't cancel plans with other friends to go and play with them. I've never been like that, and I never will be, but because of the space I now have I am struggling with feeling abandoned, and pushed away... which I know is silly. I know full well everyone has lives of their own, and are very busy in different ways. That doesn't stop me wondering how you are doing, and what is happening in your day to day lives. For the first time in my life, I am not surrounded by people and I really just don't know what to do with myself.

    12.) I keep getting the feeling that something is about to change, and it's going to be for the better... but it's going to come with it's own set of consequences and not all will be pleasant. It's all for the best though. Whenever I get a feeling like this, it always proves to be for the better. I just hate that I can't feel out what it is, or where it is going to lead.

I don't know why I felt the need to broadcast all of these personal confessions... but I somehow feel a bit better. I don't know if this was the smartest decision, but I'll take whatever consequences come with it.


p.s. The reason this blog is all smashed together is because my blog is misbehaving and I got tired of trying to fix the html...