I need to get everything out, and as I don't currently have a journal this is my only outlet for everything going on in my head. Who knows, maybe the feed back will be beneficial.
My 15 year old sister has such a low self-esteem it's getting harder and harder for me not to just take her and shake her. She is a pretty girl, with a sense of humor like you wouldn't believe. The girl is hilarious! She is so talented it's painful to have her compare herself to me. She and I both have musical talents. When we combine we come out with compositions that are just amazing. Like, Fairytale (a song we wrote together), or our piano trills. I don't understand why she has such a hard time understanding how amazing she is. She is very pretty, but she has a different face shape so she can't replicate my look and have it pass like I can. She doesn't know how to do her hair like I do. I've shown her how to combine outfits, and we share clothing now, but still she continues to compare herself to me. When I was in the hospital she called me one night in tears. She could hardly speak, and it just made me cry. She had to leave the room when they tried to put in the artline. She couldn't handle my silent tears, and the spasms that would go through my body. It scared her when she could see and count every rib in my body. Oh but the way her face lit up when I said "Hi!" For the first time. That will forever be one of my absolute favorite memories. I was so elated! It was her 15th birthday. I'd been able to talk for a day. My treach had been removed that very morning so my voice was strong. I made everyone promise not to tell her I could talk. It was the only thing I could give her for her birthday, the sound of my voice and it was enough. It was my favorite night during that entire hospital adventure. Second only to the night my dad told me about how he and my mom met and fell in love.
Beautiful girl don't hide your face
Cause one of these days you'll find your place
Everyone will look to you
They're gonna follow what you do.
(chorus)Hey little sister you'll be okay
Hey baby girl, you're on your way
You'll take the world by storm
(daddy?)God said it the day you were born
You're gonna change the world someday
Kid you don't have to be alright
It's okay to be afraid at night
With those monsters scaring you
It's okay, I've been where you hide to
(chorus)
(Momma?)God said it the day you were born
You're gonna change the world someday
Watching you dance under youthful light
Allowed me to see beyond daily strife
There's no reason to fear
Your day is here
Wipe away that tear
(Chorus)
I can't just leave her... but I can't stay in this house for much longer. How do I move forward when I feel like I am about to abandon my baby sister... Put that guilt with the guilt I feel for Stanley, and how hard it is for me having him live downtown. I put on a brave face most of the time, but you know what; I'm tired. It's silly and stupid, but how I feel is how I feel; and I feel as though I've been abandoned by my best friend. He left me this summer for DC. When I needed him more than I've ever needed anyone before he was on the other side of the country. He did what he could. I know, believe me, it was enough, for what we could do. And, it's not fair to say that he abandoned me, but that's how it feels, especially now when all he sees is me up and about. He doesn't know what it was like for me because he wasn't there. I don't remember a lot of what went down. Those that were there have to remind me, or tell me over and over again what happened, and what all was going on, and it's hard for him to believe and accept certain things. I have the scars, but even then he doesn't see them for what they are. He sees them as a failing, as a blemish... or so it seems, and that makes it all that much harder to face him in the light. I have so much I'd love to just talk to him about, but he hasn't the time. He is so busy with school, his job, and his other friends. I am at temple square on average about 4 nights a week. It's the only place I have to sit and think in clarity. I tell him when I am there, but still he doesn't seem to want to see me, or talk. I can understand when it's late. I'm usually there from 10pm-3am. He does a lot during the day, but on the nights when he isn't so busy he'd rather spend time with his other friends, and that's okay! It just... I feel taken advantage of. I am always available when he calls with a problem. I'll step out of the room I am in, or I'll pause whatever I am doing when I know there is a problem, but he can't take a moment to step out and talk to a friend who already feels abandoned by him. It's not entirely fair, I don't tell him I want to talk... but would that even make a difference? How am I supposed to let him know how much this hurts, and that I need him just as much as he needs me without giving him the wrong idea... ? Phone calls just don't seem to work as well when we live in the same state. I have other friends it's true but, Leese...15, self-esteem issues. Sunnie... moving to Vegas. Brooke... getting married. Victoria... lives in Missouri. Jo... school, SUU. Chris... mission. Nick... obsessed with Jo. All the people I confide in are busy, or they live so far away and can only do so much. I have Abandonment issues... that's rich...
Watch me break down because I'm too much of a wimp to do this on my own.
My 15 year old sister has such a low self-esteem it's getting harder and harder for me not to just take her and shake her. She is a pretty girl, with a sense of humor like you wouldn't believe. The girl is hilarious! She is so talented it's painful to have her compare herself to me. She and I both have musical talents. When we combine we come out with compositions that are just amazing. Like, Fairytale (a song we wrote together), or our piano trills. I don't understand why she has such a hard time understanding how amazing she is. She is very pretty, but she has a different face shape so she can't replicate my look and have it pass like I can. She doesn't know how to do her hair like I do. I've shown her how to combine outfits, and we share clothing now, but still she continues to compare herself to me. When I was in the hospital she called me one night in tears. She could hardly speak, and it just made me cry. She had to leave the room when they tried to put in the artline. She couldn't handle my silent tears, and the spasms that would go through my body. It scared her when she could see and count every rib in my body. Oh but the way her face lit up when I said "Hi!" For the first time. That will forever be one of my absolute favorite memories. I was so elated! It was her 15th birthday. I'd been able to talk for a day. My treach had been removed that very morning so my voice was strong. I made everyone promise not to tell her I could talk. It was the only thing I could give her for her birthday, the sound of my voice and it was enough. It was my favorite night during that entire hospital adventure. Second only to the night my dad told me about how he and my mom met and fell in love.
Beautiful girl don't hide your face
Cause one of these days you'll find your place
Everyone will look to you
They're gonna follow what you do.
(chorus)Hey little sister you'll be okay
Hey baby girl, you're on your way
You'll take the world by storm
(daddy?)God said it the day you were born
You're gonna change the world someday
Kid you don't have to be alright
It's okay to be afraid at night
With those monsters scaring you
It's okay, I've been where you hide to
(chorus)
(Momma?)God said it the day you were born
You're gonna change the world someday
Watching you dance under youthful light
Allowed me to see beyond daily strife
There's no reason to fear
Your day is here
Wipe away that tear
(Chorus)
I can't just leave her... but I can't stay in this house for much longer. How do I move forward when I feel like I am about to abandon my baby sister... Put that guilt with the guilt I feel for Stanley, and how hard it is for me having him live downtown. I put on a brave face most of the time, but you know what; I'm tired. It's silly and stupid, but how I feel is how I feel; and I feel as though I've been abandoned by my best friend. He left me this summer for DC. When I needed him more than I've ever needed anyone before he was on the other side of the country. He did what he could. I know, believe me, it was enough, for what we could do. And, it's not fair to say that he abandoned me, but that's how it feels, especially now when all he sees is me up and about. He doesn't know what it was like for me because he wasn't there. I don't remember a lot of what went down. Those that were there have to remind me, or tell me over and over again what happened, and what all was going on, and it's hard for him to believe and accept certain things. I have the scars, but even then he doesn't see them for what they are. He sees them as a failing, as a blemish... or so it seems, and that makes it all that much harder to face him in the light. I have so much I'd love to just talk to him about, but he hasn't the time. He is so busy with school, his job, and his other friends. I am at temple square on average about 4 nights a week. It's the only place I have to sit and think in clarity. I tell him when I am there, but still he doesn't seem to want to see me, or talk. I can understand when it's late. I'm usually there from 10pm-3am. He does a lot during the day, but on the nights when he isn't so busy he'd rather spend time with his other friends, and that's okay! It just... I feel taken advantage of. I am always available when he calls with a problem. I'll step out of the room I am in, or I'll pause whatever I am doing when I know there is a problem, but he can't take a moment to step out and talk to a friend who already feels abandoned by him. It's not entirely fair, I don't tell him I want to talk... but would that even make a difference? How am I supposed to let him know how much this hurts, and that I need him just as much as he needs me without giving him the wrong idea... ? Phone calls just don't seem to work as well when we live in the same state. I have other friends it's true but, Leese...15, self-esteem issues. Sunnie... moving to Vegas. Brooke... getting married. Victoria... lives in Missouri. Jo... school, SUU. Chris... mission. Nick... obsessed with Jo. All the people I confide in are busy, or they live so far away and can only do so much. I have Abandonment issues... that's rich...
Watch me break down because I'm too much of a wimp to do this on my own.
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