I've had 2 days to think, and process everything. I've had a priesthood blessing, and the support of my friends to help me. I know there will be hard moments to come, but for right now I've accepted things. I've come to the conclusion that perhaps Stanley's decision to call off the friendship is for the better. For both of us, at least for right now. All we did was fight it seemed, constant stress on both of us. Neither felt we could entirely lean on the other, and if there is one thing I've learned it's you can't have any kind of relationship without trust as your base. I might get into trouble for saying that on the Internet, but I see no point in lying or running from the truth at this point. Also, I find the question "are you okay" to be a rather stupid question right now. Of course I'm not okay, but I will be... and I think if maybe you understand my thought process you'll understand why I am so calm, and at peace so soon.
The benefits: He won't have the constant "She's in love with you" thrown at him. Maybe he'll find someone he can trust fully and entirely and I pray they know what is okay to share, and what is not... and Lord please let them be too stupid to use a damned computer. He won't have to always worry about my health issues, or keep promises. There won't be so much for him to remember, and he won't get a guilt trip whenever he skips church. There won't be so many distractions so maybe he'll get all his work done on time. No accidental phone noises during class because I don't ever remember which class is on which day. He might get a full nights rest every now and again. Neither of us will have to hear "you two fight like an old married couple" ever again. Praise the Heavens! I won't have to fight with myself whenever he makes a promise to do something only to feel the disappointment when he breaks said promise. No more 'hell week' at the end of every semester. No more over thinking every little word or action when I'm with him, afraid that someday he'll believe someone when they say "She's in love with you" because my friends I've had that fight with him one too many times. No more having to say "I'm not romantically attracted/interested in him. I love the way we are, and I have no intentions of changing anything." No more shopping trips to express.I'm just going to sum this entire thing up LESS STRESS!!!
The Downfall: We had so many traditions and plans for the future. Jamba Juice will never be the same. The eye conversations we'd have because no one else got the joke. We had so many inside jokes, songs, movies, flower, walkway, season, holiday, house style, restaurant, store, the list goes on... for crying out loud we had a freaking painting/artist. The song suggestions. Christmas... oh Christmas... that one is probably the thing I'm going to miss the most. Temple square, The Grand America, Christmas day, and the letter every year. We still have tickets for the Draper Temple opening. I don't know what I am going to do with those. We were so close, and despite the fights and constant broken promises, I still felt some trust in him and I know he had the same issues with me, but he couldn't stop all the trust either. There were moments when I'd hear or see something and I had to call him because he'd find it just as funny as I would, that goes both ways... I think just about everything we did like that went both ways. We rarely had to finish a sentence. He was the only person I could depend on to always give me the entire truth. No matter how brutal it was. He always just understood. I knew I could call him and he'd just let me rant and vent. Then he'd either help me figure out how to fix it or tell me I was being stupid and to just suck it up. He always knew everything I didn't. If ever I had a question I'd just say, "I'll ask Stanley, he'll know" he always had the answers... stupid brilliant people. The constant car troubles he'd always have, all I could do was laugh and get him what he needed because he didn't know what to do. Birthdays were always spent together. The BHS musical every fall. Sundays, and the notebook conversations. He was my very best friend. I'm never going to meet anyone like him again, and that is just a cold hard fact.
I haven't ever been a person that could hide in my bed as the day passed me by. Even in the hospital, despite the tubes, sore muscles, pain, whatever, I insisted on raising myself up and sitting. I don't cry very often because as I see it, it doesn't fix anything. All it does is give you a headache. And for heavens sake it is okay to smile and laugh. I'm not going to scream and throw things. I'm not going to fall and suddenly have a wild break down. The time for that passed. All I can do is accept what is happening. Try to pick up the pieces and move forward. I am so calm, accepting, and at ease about everything, because the instant the call ended the first thoughts in my head were 'Everything happens for a reason, and the Lord has my whole world in his hands.' I've had experiences most people haven't had in a lifetime and I'm only 20 years old. I've always seen the world in a different way. It makes for interesting times, and frustrating moments, but I've learned to rely on the Lord for everything. I have complete faith in the Lord, and in whatever he is doing. I trust that he has his reasons and that all will be okay in the end. I understand where Stanley is coming from, and so I will respect whatever he chooses to do. Stay gone or come back. I won't force myself upon him, but I won't hide from him either. I'm not going to run from what we had. It was special and unlike anything I've ever heard of. I don't think I'll ever get it back, but it was amazing while it was alive. I pray that someday I might be able to have some semblance of that again, whether it is with him or someone new. I wish him the best, and pray that he finds whatever he is looking for. So, if you see him give him a smile because he is hurting just as badly as I am, and he could probably use a smile and a hug just as badly as I could.
