Moving Past The Mountain...

Struggling to stay afloat, slowly making progress, and then falling right back down. When it rains, it pours. We've all heard it, we've all experienced it. It isn't what has happened, but what is happening now. It's how hard we push against the pull of gravity. It's the fight we make to stand again, and put that first foot forward. That is what matters in these darkest of days.

"Hey Jess, you always seem so strong, and driven. How is it you can always be so optimistic? How do you always see the silver lining?"

"You know, I'm not. I have my days when I don't want to be Jess anymore. I have moments when all I see is the flat black of depression. There are mornings when I can't breathe, and I would give anything just to stay there underneath my covers and cry until my heart freezes over. I've had my heart broken a time or two. I've watched someone take their life and throw it away. I've had someone I loved very much pass away. I'm watching as Satan take a firm grip on the world and run with it, and it's out of my control. I am feeling the economy dip, and the toll it's taking on the people around me."

"Yes, but you are always so happy. You are the strongest person I know. How do you do it? How do you  handle all of it?"

"I don't know what to tell you really. I have those days when I just want to scream, and yell, and throw things. When I am so sick and tired of always having to be the strongest person in my family, and having to take care of everyone else first. I have those thoughts of 'why can't someone else do this? Why can't this be someone else's life?' but It's not always about me. I have people who depend on me, and I won't let them down. It goes against who I am. I am someone who can't sit in a bed all day. I am someone who puts others before me. I am someone who has enough faith in my Heavenly Father to know he has a plan for me. That everything I have been through, and everything I have yet to go through is all for a purpose. There is a reason I have been given the optimistic disposition that I have. There is a reason I see the world through very different eyes. There is a purpose behind all the pain, devastation, and heartache we experience in this world, and that is where my strength comes from. It isn't my own, it is the love of a Savior, and Heavenly Parents, who constantly watch over me. Who are there to hold me close in those moments when my  heart breaks. When I've had a hard day, all I have to do is kneel and pour my heart out to my Savior, and he's right there with me. It's faith, and trust, and hope that there is a reason for everything."

"You really are amazing Jess. You always know what to say, and I can feel your testimony when you talk. What do you say to those of us who aren't as secure as you are in your independence, and your "single" status?"

"[laughs] Well, to be honest with you... I have a hard time with it. I have been an active part of 23 weddings, and I am about to be in my 24th this next week. It's hard for me too. I live in Utah, I feel the same pressure to be married... but I also know myself and I know that I am not ready, so again I lean on my Heavenly Father. It's faith that I have someone out there who I will meet someday, and we'll just click. I'll find someone who makes me laugh, and see the brighter side of every situation. It's having that hope that someone out there is praying for me too. I know it's totally cliche' but it's the truth! I am truly a romantic a heart. [laughs] I've learned to see the brighter side. I can't look outside and not be grateful for the small things. In those days when I can't see the end to whatever situation I am in, I look for those small things that I enjoy. Those things that won't and can't be ruined by whatever is going on around me. A good song. The sunlight hitting the trees at just the right angle. The smell of freshly laundered clothing, or bread baking, or cookies being made in the kitchen. The sound of rain on the windows, or the way I feel after I've just taken a walk with a good friend. The twinkle of the stars, and knowing that those stars have been there for ages, and will be there for years to come. It's the tender mercies that keep me going. We are never left alone. There is always someone out there who loves you, and there will always be someone out there who needs you. What greater blessing is there, than to help someone who is in need? To teach someone something new... Watch them learn, and grow, and be benefitted because you were in their life..."

For those of you who are struggling. For those who are fighting to stand. For you, who feel so alone, and lost. I am here for you. Here is my hand, it is outstretched towards you. Take it, and know that you are not alone. I am here, use my shoulder. My heart is crying for you, my back is strong and I'll carry you until you find your strength. I won't let go until you are sure you can pedal on your own. Take my hand, and together we'll make it through this dark until the sun is bright on our faces. I am here for you!