Abandonment Issues... That's Rich...

I need to get everything out, and as I don't currently have a journal this is my only outlet for everything going on in my head. Who knows, maybe the feed back will be beneficial.

My 15 year old sister has such a low self-esteem it's getting harder and harder for me not to just take her and shake her. She is a pretty girl, with a sense of humor like you wouldn't believe. The girl is hilarious! She is so talented it's painful to have her compare herself to me. She and I both have musical talents. When we combine we come out with compositions that are just amazing. Like, Fairytale (a song we wrote together), or our piano trills. I don't understand why she has such a hard time understanding how amazing she is. She is very pretty, but she has a different face shape so she can't replicate my look and have it pass like I can. She doesn't know how to do her hair like I do. I've shown her how to combine outfits, and we share clothing now, but still she continues to compare herself to me. When I was in the hospital she called me one night in tears. She could hardly speak, and it just made me cry. She had to leave the room when they tried to put in the artline. She couldn't handle my silent tears, and the spasms that would go through my body. It scared her when she could see and count every rib in my body. Oh but the way her face lit up when I said "Hi!" For the first time. That will forever be one of my absolute favorite memories. I was so elated! It was her 15th birthday. I'd been able to talk for a day. My treach had been removed that very morning so my voice was strong. I made everyone promise not to tell her I could talk. It was the only thing I could give her for her birthday, the sound of my voice and it was enough. It was my favorite night during that entire hospital adventure. Second only to the night my dad told me about how he and my mom met and fell in love.

Beautiful girl don't hide your face
Cause one of these days you'll find your place
Everyone will look to you
They're gonna follow what you do.

(chorus)Hey little sister you'll be okay
Hey baby girl, you're on your way
You'll take the world by storm
(daddy?)God said it the day you were born
You're gonna change the world someday

Kid you don't have to be alright
It's okay to be afraid at night
With those monsters scaring you
It's okay, I've been where you hide to

(chorus)
(Momma?)God said it the day you were born
You're gonna change the world someday

Watching you dance under youthful light
Allowed me to see beyond daily strife
There's no reason to fear
Your day is here
Wipe away that tear

(Chorus)

I can't just leave her... but I can't stay in this house for much longer. How do I move forward when I feel like I am about to abandon my baby sister... Put that guilt with the guilt I feel for Stanley, and how hard it is for me having him live downtown. I put on a brave face most of the time, but you know what; I'm tired. It's silly and stupid, but how I feel is how I feel; and I feel as though I've been abandoned by my best friend. He left me this summer for DC. When I needed him more than I've ever needed anyone before he was on the other side of the country. He did what he could. I know, believe me, it was enough, for what we could do. And, it's not fair to say that he abandoned me, but that's how it feels, especially now when all he sees is me up and about. He doesn't know what it was like for me because he wasn't there. I don't remember a lot of what went down. Those that were there have to remind me, or tell me over and over again what happened, and what all was going on, and it's hard for him to believe and accept certain things. I have the scars, but even then he doesn't see them for what they are. He sees them as a failing, as a blemish... or so it seems, and that makes it all that much harder to face him in the light. I have so much I'd love to just talk to him about, but he hasn't the time. He is so busy with school, his job, and his other friends. I am at temple square on average about 4 nights a week. It's the only place I have to sit and think in clarity. I tell him when I am there, but still he doesn't seem to want to see me, or talk. I can understand when it's late. I'm usually there from 10pm-3am. He does a lot during the day, but on the nights when he isn't so busy he'd rather spend time with his other friends, and that's okay! It just... I feel taken advantage of. I am always available when he calls with a problem. I'll step out of the room I am in, or I'll pause whatever I am doing when I know there is a problem, but he can't take a moment to step out and talk to a friend who already feels abandoned by him. It's not entirely fair, I don't tell him I want to talk... but would that even make a difference? How am I supposed to let him know how much this hurts, and that I need him just as much as he needs me without giving him the wrong idea... ? Phone calls just don't seem to work as well when we live in the same state. I have other friends it's true but, Leese...15, self-esteem issues. Sunnie... moving to Vegas. Brooke... getting married. Victoria... lives in Missouri. Jo... school, SUU. Chris... mission. Nick... obsessed with Jo. All the people I confide in are busy, or they live so far away and can only do so much. I have Abandonment issues... that's rich...

Watch me break down because I'm too much of a wimp to do this on my own.

What Kind Of An Idiotic Questions Is That!?

Oh For The Love Of All That Is Holy!!! Is this world so literacy deprived that even a book editor misses the basic errors in today's writing! I love the Twilight books, everyone who knows me, knows this... but for crying out loud! The woman is Utahan, and writes as such! Her grammar slips often, and the way she phrases things, even some of the very phrases she uses are so disgustingly Utahan I have to set the book aside and collect myself enough to carry on. I caught myself re-wording the sentences a few times to make them correct. BAH!

You're Awfully Small To Be So Hugely Irritating

For those of you clever enough to have figured out how to read that last post! Nice going! I'm rather impressed... Stop asking me what I would say if he asked me to date again...

...I am going to give you the same answer I gave my bishop...

My first instinct would be to say no. Let me tell you why. First, we have the most amazing relationship right now. We have the friendship almost perfected. I'd hate to have anything complicate things further, unless I knew the friendship could last through absolutely anything. I believe it will, but I am not willing to test that theory by doing something stupid. That is my first priority. Second, I will not do anything his family cannot or will not support him in. They need to come before me. Always. The decisions he makes are his own in the end, but his family needs to be considered. He and I would have to talk long and hard before I said or did anything. That kind of a decision requires a lot of thought and preparation. For me at least... I know we aren't the same people we were back in high school; but again, we have this friendship; our relationship with one another, almost perfect and I will do what I can to protect it...

I don't think my bishop particularly like that answer, and I don't expect anyone else to either... No offense, but whether Stanley or I decide to date one another, or stay as best friends for the rest of our lives is ultimately our decision, and what we do is completely our business. You have no say. I respect your input, and your opinion... but that's the great thing about opinions! You can have one, and not be agreed with! So, thank you, but with all due respect... would you kindly butt out!

"...that's the great thing about opinions. You have your own and they don't have to be agreed with"

With so very many things going through my head today, I've not a hint of where to begin...

Time does not exist.

Hold infinity in the palm of your hands.

It is warm...

Only the fluttering of my heart betrays the lies in that comfort...

Time passes all too quickly...

Leaving you cool in the shadow of it's uncertainty...

Trapped with butterflies in my stomach... my best friend is coming home in 2 days. He's been in DC all summer thanks to an internship. A lot has changed, and I'm beginning to fear his coming back. The what-if's plague my mind. "Should I smile because we are friends, or cry because that is all we ever will be..." a quote Sunnie found while we were sifting through a few of the notebooks at GHE last night. It doesn't really fit here... at least the last part. I'd change it to, "Should I smile because we are friends, or cry because that's all we've ever wanted to be..." All through out this summer I've had encounters with different people that have all made me stop and wonder... would we truly be better as 'friends' or should we brave everything and try something more. I fight with this idea because we have tried before. It was high school, our senior year, and we were fantastic together. It ended as all things must, and we continued to stay close. We are now closer than ever before, and I'm comfortable. Why give up a good thing, but at the same time why settle for something at the chance of something better... I could quote Shakespeare's "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." while at the same time I could throw back "Don't lose the best thing you have for uncertainty" All are valid points. All have some level of worth. It's an on-going battle in my head, and I know that I won't reach a consensus until I speak with the only other person this truly involves. But I can't. I myself hadn't ever considered a romantic side to the way we are until this past summer. I will guarantee you he hasn't contemplated it. "We work better as friends, Jess" that's all he ever says. It's not a subject either of us enjoys bringing up... It scares me senseless to even picture us as a couple again. Why fear is my response I have only a guess. Every time I come to the conclusion that I am going to just sit on my questions and continue with the friendship we get into a fight and I am slapped in the face with the realization that we fight because we have no where to go with this friendship. We have grown about as far as we could have without taking this further... I don't know what to do... How do we stop these stupid little fights that are truly about nothing at all, and maintain a calm, close, friendship. I have only one other person that has something like this. Though these two speak of one day maybe developing into something more they are content to just be friends. I recoil from the thought... I fear his reaction, as well as my own, and I fear the possibility of what the end result might be.

If only I weren't a spineless daisy...

Unrealistic Expectations... again... ?

I ask you again... why is Edward Cullen so blasted appealing!? First off Disney gave girls an unrealistic view of what our own "prince" is supposed to be like... and now, we have Edward Cullen the epitome of the perfect man. You Jacob fan's I'm sorry... but you're just wrong! It is utterly absurd to think that anyone could even begin to compare to him! I mean seriously! He says the right thing, he does the perfect thing, and knows just how to take it a step further and keep it entirely believable. Rock hard, chiseled, perfection turned to touchable perfection... who could resist! My word! it's a wonder I'm not dating anymore! Perhaps I should just stop reading about these indefectible men and try to find someone that maybe slightly compares... hmmm, nope! Impossible! I'm perfectly okay with my fictional crush!

The Forgotten Field

There are those that would blend in quietly with the crowds of this world... but there are those that would Stand upright and proudly against the blue sky. Shirking the sameness and declaring their Independence. There are those that aren't afraid to walk this world alone. We don't need anyone or anything to make us happy, we do it ourselves. The Daisy in a field of wheat... "Knowing I am just the same, but different from you... For all my day's I'll just remember..."

I have been declaring what it is I want for many years, and yet no ones knows what it is I dream of. Is that my fault or have they just not been listening? All I have ever truly wanted to do is write. Notebook after notebook of stories, poetry, dreamed up characters and title lines are hidden in my closet. Placed strategically underneath my bed, and tucked away in the corners of my bedroom. To write a classic story, land in the New York Times Best Sellers List, and then in the classrooms of literature students would be the ultimate... but I would be satisfied just to be read and enjoyed. To see something I wrote in print, sitting on a shelf, would be enough for me.

As it is, to reach that I first must leave my insecurities. The fear of failure, of rejection, of never breaking free of the monotony... So, after much deliberation, a few phone conversations, and one final decision... I am breaking free! It's a complicated process, but the first step was acceptance. I've placed my feet firmly on the second step and I'm preparing to bridge the gap to the third... but it will take time, and time I have plenty of.

So, while I am not alone, I am not afraid to stand on my own.