Just Call Me Sadie

Can you name the movie my title came from?

Well, I figured while I get the A-Typical married blog all set up I will update my blog on the wedding. In short, it was a royal pain in the ass!! 5 days before the wedding my car died. (It is still parked at Prime, next to my motorcycle.) 2 days before the wedding my mom bailed out, Saying I was a selfish Bitch and my wedding wasn't all about me. Also that Eva was frustrated with me, and I shouldn't be so demanding. All I said was I didn't want a penis cake at my bachelorette party... oh, and Aaron and I had ordered an ice cream cake because we don't particularly enjoy cake. (All that drama over cake. Ridiculous. But, She was right about one thing, my wedding wasn't all about me because it wasn't just my wedding. It was Aaron's too. So we made decisions together. Heaven forbid.) Anyway... after my mom bailed out of the wedding I called Eva to make sure things were okay with her. She was fine, and didn't care if Aaron and I had an ice cream cake because it was our wedding. She also let me know if she had been frustrated she would have told me. So, with that settled, I went to my dad and talked with him. He said he would make sure my mom didn't cancel the food order from Costco, and he would help pick it up. The day before the wedding I had my Maid Of Honor-Johanna with me, and Tasha Kay. They came along g for the dress fitting and hung out with Aaron and I for the rest of the day! That night we joined Brooke, Sunnie, and Jennifer back at the apartment for a small get together while Aaron put our table together in the kitchen. We had Jenn and Jo sleep over in the living room so I would have help in the morning. Well, the morning arrived and as I was in the shower, Aaron explained to my girls I had to eat during the day or I would be cranky. I was already cranky. We had found out at 1am that night my mother had bought a shirt for the wedding, was coming and wanted Jo and I to come over for breakfast. We opted to not. We had too much to do. Well, with all that lovely stress, I lost it. I started having heart pains during the night, but brushed them off. Bad idea. While I was in the shower my  heart gave a wicked twist, skipped a few beats, and I just started sobbing. I shut off the water, got a towel and walked right out to Aaron. Who at first didn't quite know how to react with me in a towel... but, he recovered and just pulled me into a hug, and calmed me down.  He left to finish a few last minute details like picking up and setting up tables and chairs. I pulled myself together and got ready for the day. Jenn drove me to Sunnie who helped me with my hair. However... at Redwood intersection of 4100so. and Redwood Rd there was an accident. A white mini van driven by an illegal immigrant with no insurance had hit a cop on a motorcycle. She hit him so hard it totaled the van, knocked the cop out of his boots, shot him 60ft in the air and 20ft out. You could still hear him screaming in the gutter when I got to the salon. Needless to say, traffic was a nightmare. It got even better when I learned Aaron had come back to the apartment while I was with Sunnie, Jo had left the apartment, and it was now locked. My keys were inside. I had to call Aaron, and wait for him to unlock the door so Jo and I could get my dress put together. Anyway... we were running late. Classic right? Late to your own wedding... but we were late for helping set up... Until we realized there was traffic all the way down 9th east. We spent 45 minutes trying to get from 4500 so to 6200so... doesn't normally take that long. Hahaha! In the end it went alright. We lined up and attempted to walk without laughing too hard. Miranda and Emma had started the walk, but rather than follow the words of everyone and walk to my mom at the front, they sort of wandered. Ryan cracked a joke, and we all started to snicker. It was so fitting. The rest of the evening proceeded to be unpredictable, and quite memorable. Though we still have yet to get our wedding pictures back... we had two photographers. Both talented men, and we are infinitely grateful for offering your services! My daddy teared up as he explained the choice for the song we danced to. My dad wrote the song. It was a song I used to fall asleep to as a child. I would stay up as long as my eyes would let me and listen to him write this song. The older I get, the more I understand the song, 'The Road' which you can actually get on itunes. (The road - The M-AK) It was just a fun evening! Aaron and I left a bit early. We were both exhausted, and just ready to leave. We ran through a a bridge of sparklers to a very decorated truck, and parted ways with our guests. At the apartment we received another surprise. Jenn had made a path of rose petals and candles that led from our front door to our bed. I literally laughed, right out loud. I couldn't help it. It was just too picturesque, and I was so flattered at her attempt to make at least one thing about us. Aaron carried me across the thresh-hold in true Aaron/gentlemanly style. Together we blew out the candles, cleaned up the petals and changed our clothes. We had friends coming over. We spent the rest of the evening with friends, and then sleeping. Yes. Sleeping. No sex. Just sleeping. The weekend followed suit. We left the city on Sunday and went up to Petes Hole for a few days. Which were lovely and exactly what I wanted! This first month has been fantastic! Being married to Aaron feels so natural. Which has been a blessing, as real life hit us kind of hard the weeks before and after our wedding. But Aaron is unbelievable! He knows how I work, and he just understands what I need without my saying anything! We have been living true to newlywed style. Flat broke. Hahaha! Which I am truly grateful for! I never wanted to be given the easy life when I first started out. We have been blessed to be able to make ends meet, and not having over-drawn bank accounts. But it is a matter of serious budget work, and learning to trust and lean on one another. We have constantly remind ourselves that we have more than others, and family that has been working above and beyond to help us out! I am so excited to see what happens with our next billion months together!

For you... anything!

A few points I want to make:

• I am now 23 years old, I have 3.5 months to my wedding day. I have always said, I would be married in year 23.
• I finally met [in person] LaTasha Kay Widdison.
• I have the worlds greatest [future] In-laws!
• My favorite, and amazing, best friend Alaina Mills has been home for almost 3 months now! I couldn't be happier and more thrilled to be able to spend as much time as possible with her!
• Most importantly, I finally have a man in my life that I can and do depend on for anything and everything! Aaron is the best man that I know! Which is a good thing as I am sealing myself to him for time and all eternity 21 July, 2011 at 8:00am at the Salt Lake City Temple!!!

Let me just gush for a moment please. It could be that I am just that annoying love-sick girl at the moment, or it may truly be that I am without a doubt happy, and secure with my life situation right now! I have a man that I love, and that loves me back. Unconditionally! He is everything I have ever wanted in a man, right down to his defined chin, height, eye color, and yes, even shoe size! He is everything, and more. He fills in the cracks I left when I pictured my perfect guy, In my journal I have a very detailed description, that is even a little fairytale-esk at bullet points, for the perfect man. -- Aaron fulfilled them, and added more. I can't tell you how grateful, and amazed I was when I re-read that list, and was able to put a check by each thing. Fairy tales aren't supposed to come true. They are supposed to be pretend, yay disney you suck... Thank putting the prince Philip image in my mind and then leaving me to face the world of un-perfect men type thing. Right...? Wrong! Aaron has his faults, don't get me wrong, but they aren't faults you normally find. At least not the ones I have dated in the past. Aaron is not a flake. He is not all talk. He is not a meat-head. He is not a liar. He doesn't take advantage of situations. He isn't lazy, judgemental, shallow. Aaron is a gentleman. He opens every door, and pays for every date we go on, ,and makes sure I am happy, and that I have what I want and feel I need while still allowing/helping me feel capable and independant. Aaron knows how to compromise with me. He gives me my freedom, but still has this ability to put his foot down, and have me respect it. I have never met anyone that could do that. Any time anyone tried, I felt smothered, and I would run the other way. I would fight back. I don't with him. Aaron defends me, without making me appear weak. I could go on forever about how wonderful he is, but we all know a great man happens because of even more amazing parents. So I have to credit a lot of Aaron's behaviors and character to his parents teaching. Ron and Eva are the most amazing people, let alone parents! All of their children are phenomenal people! I feel so blessed to be able to join and be a part of their family! I look forward to Tuesdays for Durrant family night! I love that this family takes time out of their life, and busy schedules to spend time together as a family! It truly is amazing to feel the love and harmony a family can have for and with one another! That is something I have never had, but always wanted. I am truly excited for the future!!!

The Rose

The Rose - LeAnn Rimes with the Gay Men's Choir of Los Angeles



Yes, I am LDS, and yes I am a Christian, and yes, I understand the views of both on the topic of gays... but I also believe God loves all his children, without condition. I will keep my full views to myself for now, but know that I love my gay friends/family, and though I may differ in beliefs, and opinions from them I refuse to judge and exhile someone because of the way they choose to live their life. It is not our place to judge, it is our requirement to love.

1 + 2 = A Good Day!

1: Steven Tyler rocks my world! The man is amazing, and every time I see him on that judge panel Ragdoll starts going off in my head. AH!


2: I love my 2-year old stud-muffin baby brother! The kid is stinking adorable, and keeps me laughing all day!

Life's Little Adventures - Updated

I believe in honor of the new year, I will re-post my 'Life List' and update those items I have accomplished.

The ones in bold I have already accomplished.

1.) Tour the UK and Egypt  

2.) Learn to speak French and Spanish fluently  

3.) Swim the English Chanel 

4.) Be financially stable enough to donate to others  

5.) Find balance between taking care of myself and giving to others

6.) Go camping

7.) Go skydiving  

8.) Go Ivy League 

9.) Get Over fear of Mexico 

10.) Fall in love with my best friend  

11.) Go on a cruise  

12.) Buy a car, of my choice.  

13.) Acquire as many old books as possible

14.) Memorize how to spell pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis 

15.) Visit the East Coast during autumn  

16.) Finish the 50 books to read before you die list 

17.) Go abroad and teach English  

18.) Kiss a boy from every zodiac sign

19.) Live outside of Utah 

20.) Move out of my parents house  

21.) Reconnect with people from my childhood

22.) Find that one soul I can take to 'Neverland' 

23.) Do something with my photography 

24.) Learn the constellations 

25.) Go to Disneyland, and Disneyworld  

26.) Get my Bachelors degree before I’m 25  

27.) Visit the temple every week for a year

28.) Jump a waterfall 

29.) Pay a compliment to someone every day for a year

30.) Experience New York 

31.) Go back to Washington D.C. and tour everything there 

32.) Ride an elephant 

33.) Learn to play the piano well 

34.) Get baptized. 

35.) Climb Ensign Peak every week for a summer

36.) Be able to beat all the 'Gus' girls in a race 

37.) Sell a photograph I have taken 

38.) Learn to ski/snowboard 

39.) Learn calligraphy 

40.) Lose fear of singing in public 

41.) Read a 1,000 page book. 

42.) Go Kayaking/canoeing  

43.) Run mile in 5 min 

44.) Join ballroom team 

45.) Earn all girl scout patches. 

46.) Set up a steady savings account 

47.) Memorize a poem longer than 5 stanzas

48.) Play in an orchestra  

49.) Visit Amish country  

50.) Kiss in the rain  

51.) See the Aurora Borealis  

52.) Learn to play the guitar well 

53.) Find someone I trust with everything and anything  

54.) Write a book and get it published  

55.) Bear my testimony in sacrament 

56.) Have an extensive vocabulary  

57.) Make-out in a walk in refrigerator/freezer, car wash, and the SLC library 

58.) Reach over 10,000 songs on itunes 

59.) Kiss a stranger  

60.) Help someone else gain self-confidence

61.) Visit every art museum in Utah 

62.) Visit all 50 states 

63.) Learn to love everyone around me for who they are, and are trying to be 

64.) Build a tree house 

65.) Plant a garden 

66.) Own my own house 

65.) Re-gain contact with a best friend from the past

66.) Develop own style 

67.) Graduate from High School 

68.) Graduate from College 

69.) Learn to do flips and handsprings 

70.) Fill a sketch book 

71.) Learn to paint 

72.) Write a song and sing it for someone 

73.) Get married in the temple 

74.) Free climb a cliff face 

75.) Learn to rappel 

76.) Tend a rose garden I planted 

77.) Tell someone I love them and mean it whole heartedly 

78.) Appreciate the small things every day for a year

79.) Be the first to point out the silver lining in every bad situation for a month

80.) Write a gratitude moment every day in journal for a month

81.) Experience something no one else has 

82.) Develop a true relationship with Christ 

83.) Learn to be self-less 

84.) Go streaking and skinny dipping

85.) Make a new friend every month
86.) Go backpacking
87.) Learn to shoot a gun
88.) Dance naked around a bonfire
89.) Go hunting
90.) Drive a truck

Day 28 (11/13/10) - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

 A picture of my last year:

A picture of me this year:

And how I've changed? Well, for one I am happy. Truly, genuinely happy. I have traveled out of the country. I've moved out of my parents house. I am moving forward in life. I have many new friends, and people I consider to be my family. It's been a really big year for growth, and that is a really good thing!

Day 24 (11/9/10) - A letter to your parents

Dear Mum and Papa,

   I want to thank you for everything you have done for me! You have given me life, love, and protection for most of my life. Now that I am on my own, I understand why you had the rules that you did, and the lessons you were so insitent on teaching me. I am now a better person because of you. I know how to cook, clean, and provide for myself and those around me. I am a more courteous person because of you example. I look on every being as a living creature created by a God that loves each of us.

   I want to say I am sorry for the words and actions I have said and done throughout my 22 years, that might have hurt you. I am a stubborn, head-strong girl and though I may not always follow your advice, I do listen to it. I appreciate everything you have tried to share with me.

   As I move forward in my days, and take steps toward beginning my own family I want you to know I am better prepared because of you. I am more equipt to handle the stresses of marriage, and life in general because of your examples and the way that you have raised me.

I lift my glass to you!

I love you!

Love always,

Your daughter,

Jessica Meredith

Day 16 (11/1/10) - Another picture of yourself

This picture was taken in front of the Aztec temple, Jaguar, in Lamani [Belize]... (Laman - Lamani... Get the reference!?)

Day 14 (10/30/10) - A picture of you and your family

My family sort of fails at taking yearly family pictures. The most recent one of the whole family I have is from last July ('09)...

The Boys: Micheal (Dad), Ryan, and Cameron

The Girls: Maryanne (Mom), Jess, Leesa, Miranda, Emma

(Yes, this is a candid shot...)

Day 5 (10/21/10)- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

In February of this year (2010) My mum, sister, and I went on a Bahama cruise. We stopped at 4 ports. Cozumel Mexico, Belize, Honduras, and Costa Maya. I don't have my cruise pictures on this computer, these I stole from my sisters facebook page... so here are 3 of the locations we went to!

 Cozumel Mexico.

 Belize

Honduras

Super Dad!

Why yes! My dad is just that cool!

I Get Lost Inside The Sound...

It took me just under 5 hours to drive from Cedar City Utah, to Logan Utah. In those 5 hours I was able to accept, move past, understand, and reach an important decision.

I drove to Cedar City friday morning with my dear friend Marisa. She graduated from Southern Utah University, and I am so happy I was able to watch her participate in the graduation ceremony! I stopped to visit my twinbrotherIneverwantedbutloveanyway Chris. I met his fantastic girlfriend Stephy! I spent Friday night and Saturday morning with my darling Jo, where we talked till we couldn't speak anymore! I love her so much and I am extremely grateful we are family! After the graduation ceremony I went back to help Jo pack some of her things into my car. I had volunteered my boat sized lumina to her, and offered to drive her stuff to her home in 'K-Town.' I was headed in that direction anyway. During my solitary drive to Kaysville I was able to think about everything that was going on in my life, from my dad and his current state of being as well as my current family situation, to my school and what I want out of life, etc. I finished the night by driving to Logan to visit with a friend. The next morning I left around 7am; it was snowing in Logan (go figure... Ha!) but I found I didn't mind it. That funny little town has a comforting feel, and a gorgeous scenery. Driving back through the canyon was somewhat of a surreal experience. Logan was very green, the colors of every thing around held such depth! Suddenly the world turned into a gray scale, it was sort of like walking into a black and white film after passing through one of Disneys Remastered films. It was so unique, and oddly pointed. I felt like I was watching Nature paint out my life. As the canyon walls picked up color again I finally reached a few conclusions, and made an important decision that will be seen within the next few months. I didn't go straight home. I stopped at the Jordan River Parkway, and took a little walk. I took a few pictures and let my ipod play on shuffle for a bit, while I enjoyed the color depth the rain had left.

On the drive home from the parkway this song (Melody - Kate Earl) came on. I really resonated with what she is saying, and cannot stop listening to it. I know I say this all the time, but this really fits me in this moment. I love that music is always there as an escape, and there is always, and will always be a song that sings out what my heart cannot, or will not display. I may not have my dad's ability to pull out the music in my head for everyone to share, but I at the very least am able to lose myself in the sound of my own melody. 

No matter what has ever come to me
I got my own brand of company
I got da da da inside my head
And i play songs back to back until i got to bed

Wake up by myself inside an empty room
There's no body next to mine to oooh
But my skin is warm and my heart is full
It's the do do do do do do

Walking waking on a crowded street
With my headphones loud
So my hips can swing, so my head can nod
To the rock and roll to the boom boom beat

and i find that i'm never alone
and i find that my heart is my home
and the music within makes me whole
A world that i built on my own

and i know that i'm never alone
and i know that my heart is my home
Every missing piece of me
I can find in a melody

No matter what has ever come to me
I got my own kind of company
I got ba ba ba inside my head
And i sing songs back to back until i go to bed

There's a river in my mind that's never still
Swirling, soothing all the time gives me a thrill
Swimming in the notes that go
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Wandering, waking in an empty wood
It is quiet here, i am powerful
I look down below serenade the world
From inside my soul

and i find that i'm never alone
and i find that my heart is my home
and the music within makes me whole
A world that i built on my own

and i know that i'm never alone
and i know that my heart is my home
Every missing piece of me
I can find in a melody
I can find in a melody

When the walls begin to creep in
And the sky is fallin down
When i'm swallowed up in feelings
I get lost inside the sound...

and i find that i'm never alone

and i find that my heart is my home
and the music within makes me whole
A world that i built on my own

and i know that i'm never alone
and i know that my heart is my home
Every missing piece of me
I can find in a melody
I can find in a melody

Holding On To Hope

I guess we held on too tightly, or blew too hard...

Cruise Dreams

7 Days Left. Then it's Carnival Cruise Line, and open waters! Oh the joy that awaits!

Possibly Dangerous Word Vomit...

Knowing my history, as some of you do... this could potentially be an extremely dangerous post, but I am going to do my best to not say something that I shouldn't. Also, note the main title of my blog, 'Some Days You Shouldn't Ask.' It wasn't just cute, and clever, but a warning label. Because  Some Days, you really should not ask me what I was thinking, or what on earth I mean. 

This being said, I have a few secret confessions for you...

   1.) I am an optimist. It's almost suffocating sometimes. As frustrating as my situation is right now, I can't flush out the knowledge that all of this is happening for a reason. I have this faith that the Lord will provide, and all will be alright in the end. I can't help but see the world through a glass that is half full, though I do my best to also be a realist.

   2.) Pride. I am extremely prideful, and it's beginning to hinder me. I know we are told pride is something we need to rid ourselves of, but it's not that easy to pull the rug out from under your own feet and intentionally knock yourself to the ground bruising your hands and knees.

   3.) I have all of these life goals and things I want to accomplish, but I can't seem to find my way out of my current situation. I feel so tethered to my house, and my responsibility to my family that I diminish my goals and dreams. It's unhealthy I know, but my loyalty to my family it too great. I won't abandon them. I can't abandon them, I don't know how.

   4.) I want more than anything to be going to school. I would even love to be able to do those Independent Study courses BYU offers. I would in fact willing go limbless (yes I know that would greatly hinder my ability to do anything, but I would still be able to hear, and therefore learn something.), or homeless to go to school, but there things standing in my way. It's possible they are just mental blocks and I need to find some way around, over, or through them... but I can't see past them. Scholarships. I've been told time and time again, grants, scholarships, loans. Take them out. I don't know the first thing about scholarships, or how to find them, or where to figure this out. I have friends who have them, and who apply for them every year... but again. Pride. I'd have to admit I wasn't as skilled as they were. So, I am stuck, and the little I know about grants... I'd have to be living on my own to even apply for them. Suck-ish, no?

   5.) Money. I have a great lack of monetary funding. The economy is absolutely awful right now, so the job market is low. Especially for someone like me. My medical history is the biggest reason I have been turned down. I started an online file for all the rejection emails I received, just because it became so funny they all said similar things. "Your experience, work ethics, and employment qualities are exactly what we are looking for, but we don't feel you would be the right person for this job." Upon further information sought the responses I receive are one of two."Your medical history and background is working against you. We need someone we can count on to be at work everyday..." and, "We didn't like the fact that you had to file a medical bankruptcy." (I was denied for every financial aid I applied for. From hospital financial aid, to independently owned institutions. I had $300,000.00 + in medical bills from my hospital excursions in 2008. That doesn't include the ambulance and the life light. That number is strictly the amount for the hospital. I had no health insurance at that point in time. I had been removed from mine the month previous (Which funny enough, was one of the best in state.) because I had to let go of my job at target. I couldn't keep up with two jobs energy wise. I, stupidly enough, committed to the job at the credit union which backfired in more ways than just losing my health insurance. I was left with $300,000.00 + in medical bills and no job. It was my last resort. What else could I have done?)

   6.) I have an undying love for the New York Times, and a now-not-so-secret love for politics and world news.

   7.) I come across as a stuck up, for lack of a better or more fitting term, bitch. Because I become quiet and introverted in an unfriendly or uncomfortable situation, it leads people to the wrong conclusion. If I try and talk, I sound like a hard-hearted, up-tight, rude, know-it-all... Not my favorite attribute. I'll blame it on my Zodiac... ;)

   8.) I have a temper. It doesn't often flair up. I'm not one of those people who are easily annoyed. Lately though, my temper is always around the corner, and everything seems to bug! Seriously! I have never wanted to punch so many people in the face in my life!

   9.) As much as I love my family, and as loyal as I am to the responsibilities I have, I am beginning to resent them for my feeling trapped in my current situation. It's not logical, and this shouldn't be happening, but I can't figure out how to shake this creeping feeling. I am so grateful for all that my family has done for me, but at the same time, if my mother hadn't had 3 accident children I wouldn't be so tied to this house. (I calculated the hours I spend withing these 4 walls - on average 164.5 hours a week. Can you blame me for being so tired of this place, and in desperate need for adult conversation!?) Miranda, Emma, and Cameron, medically should not have happened. Which, tells me three things. A: My mother is freaking fertile. B: These children serve a purpose, and should be here. C: They do not deserve these feelings of secret loathing, and blame I am placing on their shoulders. I am their oldest sister, and I should be able to handle being a second mother to them, and filling in where my parents cannot. It isn't so much Cameron (who continually fills my heart to it's brim and is my pride and joy every day), as it is the two little girls. Miranda is 10, and Emma is 7. The most annoying, and aggravating ages. It could just be that they miss their mother, who works all day (Target: 7am-11am, JetBlue: 3:15-midnight) and father who also works all day (Michaels Expert Shoe and Boot Repair, and Orthotics Lab: 9am- whenever he finishes his work) and they are acting out because of that... or I am just a horrible tyrant who makes them act that way. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to make it go away.

   10.) I'm not shy, but I am quiet. I like to talk, but wait until I know what I say will be heard. I love to sit in the background and people watch, but I love attention and being noticed in a positive manner. I'm quickly finding I am a walking contradiction, and I really don't mind it.

   11.) I am someone who always has a handful of close friends, and has an ocean of other friends I talk to throughout the day. My phone has been very still these past few months. I know one of the biggest reasons is I have re-connected with 2 old friends during the latter part of last year. I don't know why, but it's pushed my other friends away. I don't spend any more time with the 2 than I did with anyone else. I don't cancel plans with other friends to go and play with them. I've never been like that, and I never will be, but because of the space I now have I am struggling with feeling abandoned, and pushed away... which I know is silly. I know full well everyone has lives of their own, and are very busy in different ways. That doesn't stop me wondering how you are doing, and what is happening in your day to day lives. For the first time in my life, I am not surrounded by people and I really just don't know what to do with myself.

    12.) I keep getting the feeling that something is about to change, and it's going to be for the better... but it's going to come with it's own set of consequences and not all will be pleasant. It's all for the best though. Whenever I get a feeling like this, it always proves to be for the better. I just hate that I can't feel out what it is, or where it is going to lead.

I don't know why I felt the need to broadcast all of these personal confessions... but I somehow feel a bit better. I don't know if this was the smartest decision, but I'll take whatever consequences come with it.


p.s. The reason this blog is all smashed together is because my blog is misbehaving and I got tired of trying to fix the html...

The Edge Life

...It's the feeling of flying, and absolute freedom even if for just one second. It's the thrill of losing control, the adrenaline of danger involved, and the speed of the colors flying past you...

Uprising by Muse is the perfect background sound for snow drifting, and making snowtire angels, and crashing through the frozen air.

My Dear Sweet Papa

This week has been a scary week in my family. My daddy has an Aortic Valve disorder, and has a few heart troubles because of it. The cold really gets him though. His lungs freeze up and it will often times bring him to his knees. Last night was one of the worse episodes I've experienced personally. We had gone to Walmart at Jordan Landing to try and find the gift he wants to give to my mom. (We've looked everywhere... but we are determined to get it!) His heart and chest had been hurting him the entire drive. I was already nervous going in, but then he fell into the snow. Add more nerves... We almost got to electronics when we had to stop at the bikes so my dad could try and get control over the pain. What I mean is: he leans over and puts pressure on his chest and holds his breath for about 3 seconds and then slowly releases. He does this over and over again until he feels like he has a handle on it. It helps him gain a control over his body. (My daddy and I are the same in many things. He is the one I turn to at my house, but one thing we share is a hatred for pain medications. They make your head fuzzy and you can't every tell what is going on with your body. Luckily we've both developed a strong tolerance for pain. :) My dad however, should sometimes relent. He is more stubborn about it than I am. Even the best of us need help sometimes.) We made it to electronics after about 5 minutes at the bike rack. Good news is: We found the gift! And at a price we like! Bad news: My daddy could hardly walk. We tried to walk down a few isles. He had to stop at a cart that was full of boxed up stock. After about 10 mintues, and very nervous Jess later... we walked back to where we found our preferred item, and grabbed the empty cart that was still there. He thought we could maybe "fake it" with this... HA! We got down to the photo area and he took a seat at the stool they have in front of their Kodak machines. He sat down and leaned over the cart. I've seen my daddy have a heart attack. I've seen him after a really bad heart attack so I know what to look for. Every sign was there, with a few more worries thrown in the mix. He was pale, a very chalky pale. Shaky, short of breath, and wobbly. I've never heard my poor papa curse up a storm like that but I've also never experience his pain. It was then that I realized this was one of the worst pains he'd ever felt and I grew to a level of fear, not just nerves but straight up fear. He could hardly speak above a whisper. He kept asking me not to let him hit the ground, to make sure he didn't hit the ground. I sent a text to my mom and asked her to come and help me. 2 walmart workers came and offered their services. My daddy hates making a scene. When he had his heart attack in the airport back in '97 he was so upset. I tried to convey that we had it under control, but when they came back about 10 minutes later and we were still in the same position they asked if I wanted a wheelchair. I accepted this. I needed to get my dad to a place where he could get the help he needed. (Lesson learned: Walmart does not have a push wheelchair, just stupid, beyond slow put-put chairs. It took the cigarette breath lady over 15 minutes to ride it from the front doors to electronics.) In that time, my dad has said he needed to lie down. I helped him off the stool and sat with him on the floor at that same time allowing one of the Walmart people to call for an ambulance. The floor was too cold. I was shaking from the cold (I'm not much better at handling cold...) and my dad's breathing had changed. It was becoming harder for him to breath. He crawled forward to a pallet of stock boxes and knelt at them placing his head in his hands and trying to gain control over it all. He was losing that fight, and he turned to me and said "Jess, I'm not going to make it.[to the car] I can't breath." This, more than anything scared me to death. (One of my very worst fears is going to my dad's store after hours to do his deposits for him and finding him in a crumple on the floor of his shoe repair. This was starting to feel a bit like finding him like that...) Me being the quick thinker I am in a crisis situation, asked if they had a chair with wheels. Any kind of a chair with wheels and preferably with arm rests. I needed to get him out of there! And fast! 5 minutes later I had a chair with wheels and arm rests. Luckily about 5 seconds later the Emt's arrived. I started to answer their question, and my mom called to say she was parked and running back to us. I answered as many questions as I could. "His name is Micheal Gustafson, he is 45, about 130-140lbs. He had open heart surgery at age 13, in '77. He has an aortic valve disorder. His date of birth is 2/12/... 45 years ago. Please don't let him fall." I beat his ambulance to JVH and soon met up with him and my mother in the ER room 4. My mom left after a bit as we have small children still running around our house and she gets up for work at 5am, and it was well past midnight. It was just me and my dad for about 45 minutes. We learned his heart has grown since 2006 (His last big hospital experience, where he was in the bed...) and he has nodules on his lungs (not cancerous, but still scary...) and they wanted to admit him into the hospital to make sure this wasn't a heart attack, and to see if they couldn't find any answers as to why the cold hits him so hard. At about 1:30 a very good friend of mine came to sit with me, and offer the comfort of their presence and support. I can't express my gratitude for the love I have felt from friends  be it via text messages, phone calls, or prayers. It really is a strength to know that I have people I can count on at any time, day or night to come to my aid, and the aid of my family. I truly do love all of you, and wish you nothing but the best! My daddy is still in the ICU at JVH, but we are hoping to have him home tonight!

This is the man that taught me to love music, to go for all I had in me, and to never let anyone take away from me what I believe and know to be true. Even if it is him I am fighting against. This is my father, the strongest, bravest man I know. I love you Papa!

My papa was playing the guitar while Leesa was singing along with him, and pretending to play the guitar. Those of us in my family who are musically inclined, play by ear. I am the only one that can read sheet music (I'm trying to teach Leesa). So, papa is figuring this song out as I am filming. It's pretty neat actually! Not to mention I take you on a tour of our lovely , then un-finished but functional recording studio in the basement of our house. (The studio has since been almost finished, and is still fully functional... and the drums are even set up!)

Christmas Excitement!

I think one of my absolute favorite parts of Christmas is being able to shop for the people in my life. There is something about the search for that one perfect gift that will make that one special person smile. It's all just so exciting!

There is always one gift that makes me the happiest to give. One that I am super proud of, and know that it will make that person truly happy. This year, my favorite gift is the one I am giving to my mother. She and I have had a really hard year. We've never been super close, but we've never butted heads like this before. So, I wanted to make this year extra special.

As is pretty obvious to anyone who regularly reads this blog, I love photography. There is something about taking a moment in time and capturing it, and being able to show the world how you see the world. Now, I tinker around with many different forms of art. I dable in painting, sketching, writing, stitching, whatever I can get my hands on really... but Photography seems to be where most of my artistic talent sits. Well, my mum noticed I have a bit of skill with a camera and so asked me to take a picture and frame it for her Christmas gift. Well, me being me, I decided to print and frame several pictures. I am not known for giving a person just one gift. It's usually two or more. I just get too darn excited!

I am so excited about this gift I am going to give a spoiler... My family doesn't actually read my blog so I think it's safe to share. :)

(If you look closely you'll see the blue of his eyes)

(SLC Temple, Nov. 2009)

(This is my sister Miranda)

I haven't decided the exact number of pictures I am going to use. These are some I am consering as options. And don't worry, in the end they will look like they go together. I promise!

Who Am I To Stand And Condemn Another...

In this life we are wronged, and we wrong others. We only know and understand our side of things. We know how we feel, and we know how we think. We do not know what causes another person to act in the manner we disagree with, nor do we know what that person feels when the consequences of their actions hit them. I know that I am guilty of placing labels, and judgments on people, but I do my best to accept everyone for who they are, and who they are trying to be. I am human, and I make mistakes. We all are, and we all do, but to refuse a Child of God forgivness is something I personally cannot do.

Doctrine and Covenants 64: 9-10

9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

I do not understand how a person can hold a grudge, or refuse to allow someone another chance when we have been commanded to. As Christian beings why do we permit ourselves to continually carry a heavy grudge along for an extended period of time. Do we not choose to feel hurt by someone's chosen ignorance? Do we not choose to feel happy when we wake each morning? Do we not choose to take words personally? Are we not capable of running our own lives? It is my belief that we are, and always have been. That is the beauty of free will, but to be a Christian is to look beyond ourselves and live as Christ lived. That means forgiving ALL men, women, and children of every race, creed, and nature.

Matthew 18:21-22

21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times times?

22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

It is my belief that when Christ said to Peter, 'until seventy times seven' he meant forever. We are to forgive our brethren each and every time they do something to hurt us, and those that we care about. When a small child is hurt, that child will cry until they can no longer feel the pain. When they recieve a loving hug, or see a smile, they will pick themselves back up and continue on playing the pain forgotten and a lesson learned. Are we not supposed to be as small children? Forgiveness is a hard thing, but it is a commandment for all. No matter what you believe. This principle is in all versions of Christian scripture, and is a practice that has been asked of all of us.

Honk! Honk!

Honk if Emily Gilmore views your mind as her personal playground... HONK! HONK!

I have recently come to accept that my mother is the perfect embodiment of Emily Gilmore. While I have always loved the Gilmore Girls, I have never been so closely and personally tied to the trials and tribulations of the the Emily Gilmore (mother) vs. Lorelai Gilmore (daughter) saga. To better understand this, I would suggest everyone watch what is arguably the best Gilmore episode 'You Jump I Jump Jack' and witness the banter that goes on between the two of them.

This isn't the first clip I'd choose, but it is from that episode and will show you some of what I mean... Not to mention it's the only one I could find...
http://www.thewb.com/shows/gilmore-girls/clip-luke-at-the-gilmores/ba57f8863d