Holy Goodness!

As I was fiddling about on my blog I happened upon my page views. I was astonished at the number of views! 7022. That was simply jaw dropping for me! I never would have dreamed my little spot in cyberland would be seen by more than 5 people, and maybe one view for each blog. I write for me. I know me well enough to know I am far too blunt for some, if not most. I think my favorite and more amusing viewer update was learning, my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend seems to read my blog. (Hello Jillian, I hope all is well!) I wonder why that is. aha! Anyway... I have been contemplating the wonder that is being wealthy, and being able to retire early. Saying good-bye to Aaron 4 out of 7 mornings each week is getting rather depressing. Especially since my car is still dead and parked at the shop. So I get to play at the apartment most days. It is nice knowing Aaron works the same schedule every week. We have every weekend together. We are able get out and play with family and friends, or just hang out together doing our own thing. It has all bee. Very nice! I think my favorite outings have been the fishing trips and the drive-in movies! P.S. It is a Red Tree year, so be prepared to go to Temple Square with me at least five times this year. I will suggest it every weekend starting December 1st. :-)

Big Hearted Pains

I have this person that I care a lot about, and I know that they are seriously hurting right now... but I don't know if I would be out of line in asking them if they are okay.

Well, I already know the answer to that, so I guess I more want to know if there is anything I can do for them, to help ease the pain.

... You know?

But... would my interfering help or harm? Would it be a bad decision? Should I just wait and see what happens?

If they wanted to talk with me, they would have contacted me... right?

Maybe I'll just ask Aaron. He'll know what to do.

Small Taste Of Sunshine...

I have LOVED today! The bright sunlight, the warmer feel, and of course -- the fact that it is Temple Thursday!

I have begun compiling the wedding music playlist. (I'll post the song list a little later) It's mildly exciting, but a tad more tricky than anticipated. It's alright though, I'll figure it out. (Any suggestions are welcome!)

Also... Decorations, clothing choices, and food options. Not my favorite thing to try and figure out! Thank heavens for Aaron, my FMIL (Future Mother In Law) Eva, my future sister in law Jaclyne, and of course, my lovely friends for being so willing to help me out! I would have run away screaming a long time ago if it weren't for you! (I may have been part of/in a lot of weddings, but for some reason, I've hit a brick wall with trying to plan my own. Go figure...)

Midgets, and Lollipops.

I was talking with my 'brother' Courtland yesterday night, and the topic of 'getting freaky' came up... So naturally, I rather bluntly offered up my opinion, and this is what fell out of my mouth...

"I don't care if it is lightly scented, and flavored like a lollipop, some things just don't belong in your mouth!"

Also, I had a rather comical argument/discussion with at little person about the use of the term 'midget.' Which happens to be what I call my younger siblings... It turned into an argument about the power of words, and how the 'dictionary' meaning behind a word doesn't seem to matter anymore in today's society. Needless to say, I won the argument.

And in keeping with my attempt at being Valentines open...

..

Oh The Places You'll Go...

I was thumbing my way through a few memories today while contemplating a rather bizarre dream I'd had last night when I came across 'Oh the Places You'll Go...' By Dr. Seuss. This book has always been a favorite of mine. It seems to me, the more you read it, the more you realize just how much depth this simple book has.

Congratulations!

Today is your day,

You're off to great places!

You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.

And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.

About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."

With your head full of brains, and your shoes full of feet,

you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you'll want to go down.

In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen, and frequently do, to people as brainy, and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew.

Just go right along.

You'll start happening too.

Oh!

The places you'll go!

You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sites!

You'll join the high fliers; who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.

You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to says so but, sadly, it's true, that bang-ups, and hang-ups, can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a lurch.

You'll come down from the lurch with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a slump.

And when you're in a slump, you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.

A place that could sprain both elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you should go in, should you turn left or right... or right-and-three-quaters?

Or maybe not quite?

Or go around and back and sneak from behind?

Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long and wiggled roads at a break-necking pace, and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most usless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go, or a bus to come, or a plane to go, or the mail to come, or the rain to go, or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow, or waiting around for a yes or a no, or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite, or waiting for wind to fly a kite, or waiting around for Friday night, or waiting, perhaps, for their uncle Jake, or a pot to boil, or a better break, or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants, or a wig with curls, or another chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying.

You'll find the bright places where boom bands are playing.

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!

There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.

And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all.

Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.

Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you.

All alone!

Whether you like it or not.

Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, theres a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul.

On you will go though your enemies prowl.

On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl.

Onward up many a frightening creek, though you arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.

And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up of course, as you already know.

You'll get mixed up with many stray birds as you go.

So be sure when you step, step with care and great tact and remember that life's a great balancing act.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.

And never mix up your right foot with you left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will indeed!

(98 and 3/4 percent garanteed!)

Kid, you'll move mountains!

So... be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Alenn O'Shea you're off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So... get on your way!

PHOTOGRAPHY:

Title: Street Signs

Taken: 2010

Models: Leesa, Miranda, and Emma Gustafson

Taken: 2007

Random Word Vomit

As I was writing in my journal and pondering the different things I going on around me, words began flowing across the page, and before I knew it I had answered my own questions. I had found the hope I had so desperately been searching for.

Life is going to come with all sorts of ups and downs. People will come and go, the faces will change, but the lessons learned will remain in our hearts forever. At times your feelings will be hurt, but there will be moments when your heart knows what it is to fly. It's all part of living and experiencing what it is to be alive! It's learning to live freely, love willingly, and trust openly. It's having the faith to move mountains even if that means taking it one shovelful at a time and knowing that with God, and through God, absolutely Nothing is impossible! (Luke 1:37) We don't need to know the ending before beginning a journey, or to begin a journey. We just need to trust that God knows the end and no matter what, his will, will be done with or without our, or anyone elses, approval! All he asks is that we believe and follow his words. He will take care of the rest.

It's like two of my wall quotes say:

'Accept the things to which fate binds you. Love the people to whom fate brings you, but do so with all of your heart.'

'Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.'

Isn't it strange how we almost always have the answers to our questions already within us? We just have to quiet our minds long enough to hear them.

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Blonde On A Soapbox...

Ventation of things that have really irked me this month...

1: Being given the write off because I have blonde hair.

(P.S. Jo sent me this flair button, and I thought I'd share it...)

2: Having an argument started over whether or not Facts carry emotions.

 (P.S.They do not. A fact is a fact. Opinions of the fact carry the emotions.Your opinion of the fact will incure what you feel and how you feel. Not the fact itself. IE whether or not a death is a tragedy or an honor -- either way that person is still dead!)

3: People who can't keep their opinions to themselves, especially biased ones that are based mostly on assumptions.

4: Being called overly dramatic after stating my opinion that every person is owed common courtesy, no matter the circumstances.

5: Having judgement placed on my head because I refuse to take a situation personally.

6: The lack of respect, and foresight, and the increase in cowardice being shown by the men passing through my life at this moment.

I Can't Hear Your Words, Your Actions Are Screaming Too Loudly

Women are Angels...And when someone breaks our wings...We simply continue to fly -- on a broomstick...

      We are flexible like that...

Photography thanks to: Guy (Witches Parking)

Super Dad!

Why yes! My dad is just that cool!

Jumping Trains

I don't believe in having regrets.

I am not afraid of change. 

I am fiercely independent, self-reliant, and head strong. 

I do what I say.

If I decide something, it happens.

I prefer to keep things casual -- No ties that bind me down.

I don't particularly like commitment, I'm too much of a free-spirit, but I won't run from it if it happens. 

So, when strings I'm not ready for suddenly appear or I start to worry about what the other person is thinking/feeling despite the fact we both knew full well everything was casual, I tend to jump off the train...

Apparently that makes me intimidating, out-of-the-ordinary, and un-catchable.

...Which I am okay with...

If I Was Afraid Of Flying

There is a place I call my own
Where I can stand by the sea
And look beyond the things I've known
And dream that I might be free

Like a bird above the trees
Gliding gently on the breeze
I wish that all my life I'd be
Without a care and flying free

(Flying Free)

"When the things you want are taken from you, then you do the things that are left for you to do."

One of my favorite books is Enchanted by Orson Scott Card. It's a different rendition of Sleeping Beauty, and I absolutely love it! Orson Scott Card has a way with words. No one who has read any of his books will deny this, but there is something very different about this book and the levels of communication within the pages. It is so interesting to me to read about things like this because as I read I'll dog-ear a page so I can go back and re-read a paragraph or a certain way something was phrased. As I was reading a certain passage caught my eye and got me to thinking. Forewarning... it's a rather extensive passage, but it is all necessary. Promise...

   'For Katerina, her second modern kitchen was perhaps more interesting than that first, not because it was so different from Sophia's, but because she now realized that everyone had these items in the whole world, and not just the wives of gods. But then, as Ivan watched them together, laughing over the awkwardness of their language, he began to realize that there was a level of communication that he hadn't appreciated before, a level of below language - or was it above? -in which two people recognize each other and leap to correct intuitions about what the other means and wants and feels. Do all women have this? Ivan wondered. And then thought: No. Mother never had this with Ruthie. 

   In Sophia's kitchen, Katerina had not even attempted to be helpful, as if she felt that the level of magic was beyond her. But in Mother's kitchen, Katerina, unasked, immediately set to work helping. In a way this didn't surprise Ivan at all-in Taina there had been no sense of princesses as fragile creatures who had to be waited on hand and foot. He had heard much about what a deft hand Katerina had at the harvest, able to tie off a sheaf of wheat faster than anybody, with fingers so agile that, as the saying was, "She could sew without a needle."Pampered princesses came much later in history, at least in Russia. What surprised him was not her willingness to work, then, but rather her instinctive grasp of what Mother needed her to do. She seemed to know what tool Mother wanted and, most amazing of all, where it was in the kitchen. This was something that Ivan had never grasped. He had grown up helping his mother from time to time in the kitchen, certainly with the dishes, but he always had to ask where the more obscure tools went. 

   Finally, when Katerina went straight to a drawer and found the weird little grabbing tool that Mother used to pull the stems out of strawberries, Ivan had to flat-out ask, "How did you know?"

   They looked at him like he was crazy.

   "She told me," said Katerina.

   "She was talking about how the field-grown strawberries were finally coming ripe, so it wasn't all greenhouse berries. She never once said what she needed or where it was." 

   Mother and Katerina looked at each other in puzzlement.

   "Yes I did," said Mother finally. "You just weren't listening."

   "On the contrary," said Ivan. "I was listening very closely, because I was amazing at how much proto-slavonic you have already fallen into using, and I was amazed at how much modern Ukrainian Katerina was understanding. I could repeat your conversation to you word for word, if you wanted."

   Mother looked at him in helpless bafflement. "But I could have sworn I said... I needed a..." And as she spoke, her hands moved exactly as they would have had she been grasping the tool and using it on a berry. Now Ivan remembered that she had made that gesture, and saw what he had not noticed before, that Katerina's hands imitated it. So what was passing was mechanical knowledge, not language, and Katerina apparently recognized the tool when she saw it, because her hands already knew how to use it. Not only that, but she had got such a feel for the kitchen already that she knew where in the kitchen Mother would have put such a tool.

   Ivan tried to express this to them, but now language did fail them all, language and, perhaps, philosophy, since neither Mother nor Katerina had the male obsessiveness with mechanical cause-the mechanisms by which tings worked in the natural world. What they cared for was intentional cause, motivation, purpose. When they wanted to know how to do something, it was because they intended to do it and needed to know. While Ivan wanted to know how things worked precisely because he couldn't do them himself and he felt a need to understand everything around him. IN both cases, it was a matter of trying to be in control of the surrounding world. For Ivan, the question came up immediately: Was this thing between Mother and Katerina something all women could do? Or only these two women? While to them, all that mattered was that they were in the kitchen together, and they liked and understood each other despite the language barrier, and the mechanism, as long as it worked, was unimportant.'

I know that I have communicated to someone much as Katerina communicated with Ivan's Mother. I'll use hand gestures to show what I mean rather than try and verbalize it. Especially when I can't remember the word I am looking for. The way Ivan describes the difference between how a woman thinks, and why they ask things, and the way a man think and why he'll ask thinks was beautiful! I know guys have their own language with one another, but a girl not only has a language but a way of being. It's no wonder guys are always so frustrated by a group of girls! The book continues on to talk about a womans intuition. As the saying goes, 'The woman always knows.' Most of my closest friends are guys. The majority of them have a girlfriend, or a girl they are aiming for, and I can always tell when they are texting them, or when the phone call they are ignoring is from that specific person. I can always tell when something is going to happen with a girl, or when one of my boys are smitten by someone, if it is love, etc. I don't know if that is just me, or if all women can do that... but I like it. 

A Bit Of Growth

The Secret Garden has always been a favorite movie of mine. It's stayed with me since I was a child. The part that has been playing in my mind over and over again this morning is the bit where Mary finally unlocks the garden, and it all appears to be dead. As she walks through she finds a bit of growth coming up through the weeds. That is what today feels like. It feels different. It feels like one of those days when the unexpected happens. After all,  'Everyday hold the possibility of a miracle!'

(Don't forget to turn off the music down at the bottom of the screen.)

"Creativity will prevent violence through the restoration of the artist in everyone." --Carolyna Marks

I know it's still mid-winter but the cruise is only 19 days away and I can't help but be excited for it! So, I am indulging in my love of summer dresses! It's been a wicked month! I now stand by Elphaba in her "No good deed goes unpunished" stance, and I feel I deserve a little bit of self indulgent splurging! Forever 21 is in fact my favorite store to purchase said item from. They  have such an array of color filled flippiness it's amazing! I've never been very good at being a girly-girl aside from being slightly over dramatic about one too many things... but there is just something about a short, light, dress that allows you to be free. I'm known for my disliking of clothing, and procrastinating getting dressed as long as humanly possible. But! I actually enjoy wearing these! Thanks to my parents blessing me with a 'dancer' torso and short little legs, all 5' 3" and 113lbs of me fits into these without showing my bottom side when I bend down. It's amazing! Still, the spanky shorts are a good idea to wear beneath! That way, I can still dance around to the music I constantly carry with me! (And it doesn't hinder the physical activities that go on in my house... Yes, I am a member of an athletic family...)

Not to mention, Forever 21 is un-real kinds of inexpensive! I bought an amazing royal blue summer dress there for $3.99. You can't get much better than that!

In Love With The Weather!~

Independent = Intimidating

It's been said that the independent woman is the Trojan horse to a guy's confidence. I have found that to be true. Independence alone is enough, but there are other factors that play into unknowingly intimidating a guy.

According to the average man,attractive, independent, assertive, successful women are the biggest intimidators.

And I quote:

K. G. "Uhm, overwhelming beauty, superior intellect or ablility, and incompatible personality, or a combination of the above can intimidate. Generally speaking. There can be a lot of other factors, but not knowing the guy that's just what sprang to my mind. For Starters. Not many men are raised or taught to deal with such a woman. Common response is to conquer the subdue instead of share and support. Next common would be to run or hide. Lol. The rare response would be to offer to join forces and conquer the world together."(No, he is not a gamer, nerd, or creep. He's simply a kid wtih an excellent sense of humor.)

D.P. "Women who are confident in themselves are often intimidating, which is funny because that is actually what a man wants. I went on a date with a woman who had her masters degree and that was incredibly intimidating, but she was also 4 years older, which played a part. Then there are some girls who just give off a vibe that is intimidating. They seem to say you can be my friend, but once you start getting romantically involved you're history. So, the way a girl can act is also intimidating. You want to be open, inviting, and friendly."

S.G. "The need to assert your independence and control at every opportunity." When he asked if this was about me, I said if you think I am intimidating, please tell me why. He responded with: "You're fiercely independent Jessica. Contrary to popular belief, men (the ones that are looking for more than hassle-free sex anyway) want to take care of the women they care about."

A. N. "Attitude the way you present yourself. Stuff like that."

M.L. " You might make them feel less of a man because you seem to be more intellectual than him. Or you could just be hotter than he is use to. If you're intimidating then it just may show some insecurities in him. Which is good if he has courage to rise to the occasion. If he is overly cocky or won't try that's not as good."

T.T. "Oh my! I guess someone who is overly assertive and constantly seeks control."

N.C." Depends on the guy but it could be a lot of different things. Bluntness, bossy, more successful, smarter, stronger... it's mostly an insecurity thing."

Z.H. "Honestly one of the biggest is how pretty they are... a lot of guys think that if she is really pretty then she is out of his league. Another could be that she doesn't acknowledge him so he assumes she's not interested."

T.P. "Several things. Generally to nice guys it's because they thing you're too good for them. Other guys it's because you're better at something or you are straight forward. Maybe you make too much money."

D.B. "There are a few things that come to mind. 1) he likes her. 2) She is hard to read. 3) She has an influence or control over his current situation. Independent! That is a good one all on it's own." When asked what it meant to be assertive in guy language he responded with: "Confident and aggressive would be how I see it. Keep in mind this doesn't fit all guys. I think assertiveness is good, as long as it's not overbearing. It's sort of a conundrum really."

C.G. "Hmmm... to be honest, attitude and demeanor is intimidating to me for both sexes. Appearance takes a back seat." When asked about assertive mannerisms he said: "Being the first to act and knowing what you want. Assertive is generally a good thing. That's very strange."

I hear guys complaining all the time about clingy and expensive women. The girl who acts like a puppy dog,and demands you financially support her when just dating. So, where do we find the balance between being too assertive and independent, and being far too clingy? This, it would seem, is the question. And it once again reverts back to the thought Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus... For me personally, I love being an independent woman. I played the roll of timid puppy dog once upon a time, and I found I would rather be dynamic than a mouse. If that means I am intimidating, I would have to say to you men out there... Grow some legs, walk out of the pansy patch. Try getting to know us independent women. You'll find most of us have a tender and nurturing side.

For the women who need a kick and giggle, read this blog post by Lynn Price: http://lynnprice1.blogspot.com/2008/08/women-vs-men.html

Age Progression...

In my boredom during this, the longest week of my life... I sat down and compared pictures of Cameron and I...

This is where I wound up...

Cameron at 4 months, Me at 5 months, and Cameron a week from the 6 month mark.

...Now tell me the kid doesn't look like a Gustafson...

And where did we get the almond eyes? Neither of our parents have them. He and I are the only ones with that eye shape in our family... I find it pretty fantastic, and a smidge hilarious!

New Moon

Bruised But Not Broken...

Stanley if by some random chance of fate you are reading this... Bishop would like you to know he misses you, and that he loves you... or if Stanley's family still reads my blogs, or someone encounters him... let him know. I promised bishop I'd get that message to him.

I tell you it is a miracle I haven't broken anything with how much I have been tripping, stumbling, running into things, and falling over. Also, we've had a white ford car watching my house, it's beginning to make me uncomfortable because they leave once I come home... I personally think it has something to do with the people who continually stop me and ask if they can ask me a question. It's always the same questions being phrased differently. This isn't coming from Stanley, or his family. I'd really like to know who is asking these questions, and why in the Hell it matters to them... not to mention creepy that they know this much about me and Stanley... The origin of some of these questions I didn't really share with people. Also, why won't he/she ask me themselves. Not to mention... I'll probably tell the Internet... so watch yourself! ;)
I caved. Sunday, Amber and I left church and went down to the district. We purchases a medium bucket of extra buttery popcorn... It was oh so worth it though!

Starting Thursday my face will be seen on 13 different channels. 4pm-12midnight...
1.AMC - American Movie Classics
2. APL - Animal Planet
3. BRV - Bravo
4. ENT - Entertainment Television
5. FAM - ABC Family
6. HGT - Home and Garden Television
7. HMC - Hallmark Channel
8. LIF - Lifetime
9. OXY - Oxygen
10. TLC - The Learning Channel
11. TRV - Travel Channel
12. TVF - The Food Network
13. VHI - Music

I found the bike! My daddy always said if I found a bike I could lift (handle) then I would be allowed to get it... Well, ladies and gentlemen I found it! 2009 Honda Shadow...Now put that in a deep set purple, and it's perfect!

Sensibility, Sensitivity, Sensuality...

Eyes closed, face lifted to the sky, drinking in the sun's warmth, as I walk barefoot through yard. Licentious... the only word I could possibly think of to describe the feeling of wiggling my toes through the grass, sun coloring my cheeks, my roses throwing tendrils of scented air through my hair, around my fingertips, and pulling up the corners of my lips. Ah, how I miss the sensualities that create the warm seasons. ...June... I cannot wait for June. Rain. Mmm, the gentle pitter pat of the drops hitting the world around you. Feeling the slip and wetness between your fingers as you spin gracing the kisses from the sky. When it rains I take my camera to a place called The Hollow. The colors are so vibrant, so unreal. The first time it rains this spring I think I will go to Murray's Jordan River Parkway Trail. There is a little white metal bridge hidden amongst the leaves with the word Dream etched into it's railings. I have an image in my head, and I am going to capture it. This year is going to be a one of a kind. Something is going to happen. I can feel it. I don't know what it is, but I know it's big. I'm excited, and afraid... but until then I will continue in my sensual adventures. Letting my heart lead the way...

Open Your Eyes, Heart, Mind... and just... Feel...