Call Me Happy Endings, but This Ain't Goodbye...

I honestly don't know how he does it. His birthday is in 3 days, and I will most likely wish him a happy one.  There will be things that will forever and ever remind me of him, and they will probably always make me smile. I've tried hating him. I've tried being apathetic towards him. I've tried erasing, ignoring, avoiding, and forgetting. It just doesn't work. I don't know how he does it, but I can't. I will forever think of and consider him a friend. I've forgiven the pain, and mistreatment. I forgave that a long time ago. I don't understand how he seems able to simply displace, and brush off the years, time, and experiences we went through together, but I can't. And I no longer want to. I have just accepted I will always love him as a friend, and as a part of my past. He will and should do as he pleases, but as for me... this is where I stand. This, it seems, is what my heart wants.



Call Me - Shinedown

Happy Endings - Mika

This Ain't Goodbye - Train

Big Hearted Pains

I have this person that I care a lot about, and I know that they are seriously hurting right now... but I don't know if I would be out of line in asking them if they are okay.

Well, I already know the answer to that, so I guess I more want to know if there is anything I can do for them, to help ease the pain.

... You know?

But... would my interfering help or harm? Would it be a bad decision? Should I just wait and see what happens?

If they wanted to talk with me, they would have contacted me... right?

Maybe I'll just ask Aaron. He'll know what to do.

181st Semi-Annual General Conference

I love General Conference! I love that it fills two days. I love that if you truly listen to the words and counsel of those who have been asked to speak, you receive answers to your questions, both asked and un-asked. Advice and and counsel that is much needed. I love the power, and comfort that comes from watching and listening to the leaders of our religion as they speak on the topics the Lord has given them. I am so grateful for the opportunity we are given to benefit from the testimonies of these great saints. (So far, my favorite has been Kent F. Richards talk!)

One thing that I have been thinking about during this first session of conference, is the Sunday worship. How do I, and the people around me view Sunday service? Do we take it as an obligation, something we have to do out of habit? Is it a negative thing we begrudgingly roll out of bed for? Something we eagerly await the end of so we can take the rest of the day and do what we want? Or do we realize it is a blessing to be able to come together and worship together? Do we benefit from the strength that comes in numbers, and the unity of so many that share our faith and belief? I know I vary between this. There are Sundays when I fight with myself. I don't want to wake up, and getting ready seems like such a hassel. More often than not, I am excited to attend the 3 hour block, and I strive to get both Aaron and I there on time. Though he works a full, and hard 12 hour shift on Saturdays, he does his very best to be up and ready in time to go. Some mornings all he is able to do is be there for sacrament, but I have never seen someone so dedicated to gaining what he can from what little he is able to attend. That example, I know, has been one of the things that has kept me mindful of the fact that it is a blessing to be able to attend sunday services. Another thing, is it is a new develpment for Aaron to be able to sit with me through all of our church services. Aaron works 3, 12-hour shifts, and 1 6-hour shift. His schedule used to be Sun-Wed, now it is, Wed-Sat. I cannot express to you how grateful I am for Sundays together with him. There is a different feeling on Sundays, and the fact that I am now able to spend the full day with him is incredibly special to me. On the Sundays when he would work, he would stay with me until 11:30. I would then go to him and spend his lunch break with him at 6pm. I don't know what it is, but there is something very special about spending Sundays with the people you love.

I am excited to listen to, and find out what the rest of the speakers have to say. To learn what it is our Father in Heaven would like us to know and focus on at this time.

HAPPY GENERAL CONFERENCE WEEKEND!!!

P.S. Does anyone else find it funny that is rains every conference weekend?

For you... anything!

A few points I want to make:

• I am now 23 years old, I have 3.5 months to my wedding day. I have always said, I would be married in year 23.
• I finally met [in person] LaTasha Kay Widdison.
• I have the worlds greatest [future] In-laws!
• My favorite, and amazing, best friend Alaina Mills has been home for almost 3 months now! I couldn't be happier and more thrilled to be able to spend as much time as possible with her!
• Most importantly, I finally have a man in my life that I can and do depend on for anything and everything! Aaron is the best man that I know! Which is a good thing as I am sealing myself to him for time and all eternity 21 July, 2011 at 8:00am at the Salt Lake City Temple!!!

Let me just gush for a moment please. It could be that I am just that annoying love-sick girl at the moment, or it may truly be that I am without a doubt happy, and secure with my life situation right now! I have a man that I love, and that loves me back. Unconditionally! He is everything I have ever wanted in a man, right down to his defined chin, height, eye color, and yes, even shoe size! He is everything, and more. He fills in the cracks I left when I pictured my perfect guy, In my journal I have a very detailed description, that is even a little fairytale-esk at bullet points, for the perfect man. -- Aaron fulfilled them, and added more. I can't tell you how grateful, and amazed I was when I re-read that list, and was able to put a check by each thing. Fairy tales aren't supposed to come true. They are supposed to be pretend, yay disney you suck... Thank putting the prince Philip image in my mind and then leaving me to face the world of un-perfect men type thing. Right...? Wrong! Aaron has his faults, don't get me wrong, but they aren't faults you normally find. At least not the ones I have dated in the past. Aaron is not a flake. He is not all talk. He is not a meat-head. He is not a liar. He doesn't take advantage of situations. He isn't lazy, judgemental, shallow. Aaron is a gentleman. He opens every door, and pays for every date we go on, ,and makes sure I am happy, and that I have what I want and feel I need while still allowing/helping me feel capable and independant. Aaron knows how to compromise with me. He gives me my freedom, but still has this ability to put his foot down, and have me respect it. I have never met anyone that could do that. Any time anyone tried, I felt smothered, and I would run the other way. I would fight back. I don't with him. Aaron defends me, without making me appear weak. I could go on forever about how wonderful he is, but we all know a great man happens because of even more amazing parents. So I have to credit a lot of Aaron's behaviors and character to his parents teaching. Ron and Eva are the most amazing people, let alone parents! All of their children are phenomenal people! I feel so blessed to be able to join and be a part of their family! I look forward to Tuesdays for Durrant family night! I love that this family takes time out of their life, and busy schedules to spend time together as a family! It truly is amazing to feel the love and harmony a family can have for and with one another! That is something I have never had, but always wanted. I am truly excited for the future!!!

Reversed Deja Vu

I am coming up on the 3 year mark to the single most frightening experience of my short life time. May 21, 2008 will forever be a day that I remember. I still dream about it, and the 4 weeks that followed it. I still wonder how people reacted, what went through their minds, and what they felt. In the moments I do remember, I know how I felt. I know how I reacted, and I know what was going through my mind. There are mornings when the dreams are so real I wake up with the taste of hospital in my mouth, and the scent of gauze still haunting me. I read something today that reminded me of the morning I finally let myself cry. The morning I finally gave myself a moment to fall into weakness, and feel the fear I'd been denying for so long. At the end of that I made a promise to myself. I chose life. I promised I would forever choose life, and no matter what happened next, I was going to survive through it all. 

"I’m in this for the long run, and even though my world is uncertain and changing, I want nothing more than to live an extraordinary life. I may be lonely, scared, and little sad at the moment, but I think that that’s alright...for now. I am being stretched constantly, and all I can do is breathe, and try to choose between what’s right and easy."

 

So far, I have. I have not only survived, but I have learned how to live! I am happy, and I am in this for the long run! I am running as fast as time will let me, and I am pushing boundaries I have never dared to push. Until now. I couldn't be more excited, and scared for what is happening, and what has yet to happen. This is a good thing! I can feel it. I am learning. I am growing. And, I am where I am supposed to be. 

No one really knows the end, or what will happen, though we may plan every detail... it's all a test of faith.

I suppose that is half the excitement. . .

Small Taste Of Sunshine...

I have LOVED today! The bright sunlight, the warmer feel, and of course -- the fact that it is Temple Thursday!

I have begun compiling the wedding music playlist. (I'll post the song list a little later) It's mildly exciting, but a tad more tricky than anticipated. It's alright though, I'll figure it out. (Any suggestions are welcome!)

Also... Decorations, clothing choices, and food options. Not my favorite thing to try and figure out! Thank heavens for Aaron, my FMIL (Future Mother In Law) Eva, my future sister in law Jaclyne, and of course, my lovely friends for being so willing to help me out! I would have run away screaming a long time ago if it weren't for you! (I may have been part of/in a lot of weddings, but for some reason, I've hit a brick wall with trying to plan my own. Go figure...)

Adele - 21

I know the Adele album isn't supposed to be out in the US, but I managed to get the UK release, which was released in January. It has 5 more songs than the US version will initially release, who is to say they won't release them later, but why wait...

I fell head over heels in love with this album. There are 3 songs I have kept on repeat for the past week that I've had it. Tracks 1 - Rolling In The Deep, 11(recorded)/17(acoustic) - Someone Like You, 14 - I Found A Boy. I don't know, it's... well, to be perfectly honest, this album really struck a chord with  me. I could connect with nearly every lyric in these songs. I am willing to bet it's because Adele is my age. She was born in May of 1988. She is experiencing a lot of the same things I am and have, at the same ages. That is what makes an album great, isn't it? When you can connect with a song so entirely. . . Sunnie and I had a long conversation today about it all. How funny it is that these ages the 3 of us are at really are a time for growth, love, loss, and just learning who we are. It's the same with Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson who were both born in 1979. Their music and lyrics are incredibly simliar, but they still manage to resonate with people 10 years their junior... It's just the way of life I suppose. Emotions are the same no matter what age, race, or gender. Music is a way to release those emotions.

Track by track interview by Adele

Rolling The Deep

Someone Like You

P.S. On the UK Album Adele sings a Brandi Carlile cover. Hiding My Heart. May I just tell you I about peed my pants when this song came on. It is an acoustic recording, the original song. I had a mini freak out in my car, so much so I am pretty sure I freaked out the people driving next to me. My arms waving, mouth wide open as I screamed. . . I immediately sent Sunnie a text message, as I knew she would be able to fully  understand and appreciate the magic and wonder that is ADELE singing BRANDI... Oh. My. Holy. Goodness!!!

Who cares baby, I think I wanna Marry You!

I am sooo ready for summer! I'd like to kick off these shoes, and long pants. I am ready for warm weather, bare feet in the grass, and summer dresses! Not to mention Picnics in the mountains, swings at the park, and COLOR EVERYWHERE!!! GAH, why must Utah winter drag on forever!?

(p.s. I'm also looking forward to this day...)