High Fives and Screaming Headaches

You know ... if my kids ever ask to elope I am going to say YES!!! GO!!! Gah! There are so many people who's faces I'd LOVE to high five!

9 June 2011 - Thursday

Aaron proposed today! We hiked to Bridal Veil Falls, he took my hand and said "Jess, together there isn't anything we can't accomplish. Will you marry me?" Right as I said yes the water started to spill over onto us. It was almost like it had been timed. I naturally was oblivious. We had been to Bridal Veil once before. It was the day I met his dad last fall. But as he took my hand and finished the word accomplish he got down on one knee. 'Oh dear' fell out of my mouth as he was kneeling. Both of us smiling like idiots. Yes, I said yes... we all knew I would... but now it is official. Aaron and I are engaged!

That face, that face, that loveable face!

Oh if only I could count the ways I love my Aaron and his handsome face ...

Return of the Killer Infection!

So, for those that don't already know, I spent my Saturday morning in the ER at Inter-mountain Medical Center. My afternoon was spent under anesthesia at the oral surgeons office. My evening and night were spent with Aaron.
It is funny when you think about the timing of it all... June 4th was the day I was finally released from ICU in 2008 for this same infection...
Anyway, here is the story... Friday morning I woke up to my jaw in serious pain. The top right and lower left sides were throbbing and felt a little swollen. It didn't alarm me much as this had happened in May. I simply overdosed on Vitamin C and pain killer/anti-inflamatory meds and it went away. Though this time I didn't have that much luck. After a 10 hour shift at AFCU, Aaron and I made our way to my parents house to have dinner and celebrate Leesa's 18th birthday. Leesa noticed my jaw was swollen but I blew it off. Telling her I was fine and that it would go away. As Aaron and I arrived back at his grandparents house he again asked me if I was okay. I said I was. He wasn't terribly convinced. He suggested we cancel going shooting and we just take it easy insead. I begged him not to. I really wanted to go. We were going to have some of my family come with us, and I really just did not want to cancel. He made me promise that if I didn't feel better in the morning we would cancel the trip. As I drove home I had this sick feeling in my stomach. For some reason I did not feel right about leaving Aaron. Afraid something would happen to him I began to pray quite earnestly for his well being. As I arrived in the driveway I began to feel a little off kilter. I credited it to being overly tired and proceeded down the stairs to my room. I sent Aaron a text letting him know my worry and expressing my concern at the way I was feeling. He made me promise if I still felt that way in the morning I would seek medical help. I agreed to it. It wasn't two hours later I sent him and Sunnie a text message saying I thought I needed medical help. I had awoken to a serious pain and I could feel my cheek had increased in swelling. Sunnie came downstairs and was mid-sentence when she got a good look at me and said wooow!!! Jess I can smell the infection smell again. I said I know, I can taste it. I had been looking up dentist offices trying to find one that would be open on a Saturday. Sunnie asked if I was crazy, and did I remember what happened the last time I had tried to wait... so at 3am we picked an ER and called Aaron. He asked me to call him back once we were at the hospital and he would meet us there. An hour later, when we were settled into room 31, I called Aaron. He didn't answer and I didn't have the heart to wake him. It would be awhile before anything happened. I swear there is a mandatory two hour wait for an er doctor to see you. No matter how many or few are in the er... I began telling the nurse and Doctor that I knew what was causing it. I had been through this before. I had the scars to prove it. The man just kind of blew my information off. After another 2 hours, a CT scan, and allergic reaction to IV meds later... he came in all raring to go. He'd read some of my medical history and it seemed to light a fire under his ass. He asked for the names if my previous surgeons. I rolled them off... Garner Meads inserted the treacherous and the first drain from my jaw at Altar View. After being lifelighted to LDS I was under the care of Dr. Pearl who was over the ICU. Dr. Sharma took over care of the treach and added another few drains in my throat. Dr. Michael Collins was my thoracic surgeon. He inserted lung tubes and performed the heart surgery. Mr. IMC-ER doctor called and woke up the oral surgeon who rushed over. In the hour it took for him to arrive, I received a priesthood blessing from Darin and Daeson. Aaron called, and was on his way when the oral surgeon arrived introduced himself and left to view the CT scan. Sunnie left for work at 8:30am as soon as Aaron was seated by my side. A nurse came in and said Dr. Christensen had prescribed an anti-inflamatory. The moment that drug hit my veins my entire body burst into flames. It felt like pins and needles were stabbing my insides trying to get out. The nurse left to get benadryl immediately. Dr. Christensen came in to see for himself what was happening. He also said that instead of trying to book the O.R. he wanted me to go to his office to have the teeth extraction done. It would be cheaper and a lot less hassel for everyone. He made sure I had the benedryl, and ordered one final dose of a different antibiotic that was similar to penicillin, but different enough from the first antibiotic I had been allergic to. I had to sit and wait for those IV drugs to finish before I was finally allowed to leave at 10:40-ish. Aaron took me home and we took a two and a half hour nap. The oral surgery lasted only an hour and a half. I dimly remember waking up with my head in Aaron's lap as we pulled up to the house. Vaguely remember walking in past Sunnie and hitting my pillow. Aaron was able paint in the missing pieces . The nurses told him I was starting to wake up, that the surgery had gone well, and he could come see me. When he walked in the room he asked if I recognized him. I said nope, but I recognize your shirt. I was very sweet but didn't know anyone there. He informed me he was going to wait until I had awakened a little more before he brought the truck around. I knew his truck and didn't hesitate to jump in put my head in his lap and fall asleep again. I supposedly rambled but he couldn't understand much of it. I remember half waking to tell Aaron I had seen our children. We both woke up about two hours later and decided to make a trip to target, fill my prescription, and eat something. The pharmacy was closed, but we stopped at the cafe for a bite before heading to his grandparents house to pick up a few movies at my request. I also wanted to see his grams and show her the shirt she had gotten me fit perfectly! We went back to my house and watched movies, took pictures, and fell asleep. Aaron left this morning for work making me promise I would stay in bed today and tomorrow or I couldn't go see him during his lunch break. I compromised with him. I agreed to rest and lay down, but outside in the sun. He agreed and I was able to get a little sun and chat with Sunnie and Alaina on the lawn while I laid on my blanket. I was happy to see Aaron but was reminded just how quickly my body tires after medical stress and surgery. So... I am back in bed and ready for sleep. I'm sure tomorrow I will darken my tan, finish my book, and call Dr. Christensen to schedule a time to remove the stitches and the drain, and prepare to work a 5 hour shift on Tuesday.

Bring On The Color

This morning while waiting for Aaron, I took a walk around his grandparents house. I found this pretty purple flower hiding in the branches behind some shrubbery. I quite liked the picture! It also gave me an excuse to play with the camera on this phone. Not bad hmmm!?

Joined

I finally joined the wonderful world of smart phones. Best Buy has a deal for select verizon phones if you are eligible for an upgrade. So, I got the Samsung-Galaxy S for free. It's been an adjustment, but both my husband-to-be, and sister-in-law-to-be have it and love it. My only complaint is battery life, and being more high tech than I was prepared for. Haha! I do however LOVE the camera!!!

Brandi Carlile - Memory List

Dreams - Sunnie Lynn - St. George. Screaming it on top of our lungs that entire road trip! Nicks baptism, and the Condo we stayed in at St. George. Windows down -- getting funny looks... You introduced me to Brandi Carlile. I owe you so much! Just know that for the rest of time, Dreams will be your ringtone. Hahaha! "Dreams, I have dreams, when I'm awake, when I'm asleep. Oh you, you are in my dreams. You're underneath my skin... and now in my dreams I can feel the weight I can just come clean... I keep it to myself, I know what it means I can't have you... but I have dreams! Oh and I have dreams, I have have dreams! Mind can you read my mind. Has it come undone? Am I showing signs? And now in my dreams I can feel the weight I can come clean! I keep it to myself! I know what it means! I can't have you, but I have dreams!"


My Story - My Aaron - The night we drove up Cottonwood canyon when I told you my story, and you showed me where your truck went off the road and down the canyon with you in it. I am so very grateful God saved you! :) I know I say this all the time, but no one has ever EVER been able to read my heart the way that you do. It is uncanny just how well you can read my face, my mannerisms, and my silence. I truly believe I was made for you. I've never fit so perfectly with anyone else. You are everything I have ever dreamed of, wanted, wished for, and more. As cheesy as this sentence is, I am so grateful I get to call your heart Home. Aaron Robert Durrant -- I love you with all that I am, from my head to my toes!!!  "You see the smile that is on my face, it's hiding the words that won't come out. And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed, they don't know my head is a mess. No they don't know who I really, am and they don't know what I've been through like you do. And I was made for you.. And all of these lines across my face, tell you the story of who I am. So many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am. Oh but these stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to. And I was made for you. Oh and it's true, I was made for you."


Pride and Joy - Daddy - The night you sat in my hospital room with me and told me the story of how you proposed to my mom, and when you went and asked Grandpa Adams for mom's hand was the night I knew things would be different between you and I. I knew we were finally going to have that Daddy/Daughter relationship I had always wanted. You know, growing up, the only thing I wanted was your approval, to be loved by you.  To have you look at me and say that I was your pride and your joy. That you were happy I was your kid, and that you understood why I had made the choices that I had made. (Being LDS, rather than being a member of his religion) And that happened for me that night. It was in LDS hospital that I first heard you say I love You Jessica. I appreciate you, and I am proud that you are my kid. I am so Proud to be your kid Daddy! :) "That's the problem with the days, they're never long enough to say what it is you never said, all the books you never read. Throw myself into the wind, hoping someone will pick me up and carry me again. Where are you now? Do you let me down? Do you  make me grieve for you? Do I make you proud? Do you get me now? Am I your Pride and Joy?"


I Will - Stanley - You were sitting in my car -- this song came on, and as you were talking I heard these lyrics and I knew our time together was almost over. "You can't hold a heart that was never yours to break. And you could never be there for me in the end. So I will do the right thing, I will - I will, I will... I don't think you ever learned a thing from me, but I know that you want me to learn from you. And you draw heavy handed lines around morality about yourself and I don't share your point of view. It's been time to let you go a thousand times and you'd never know that it hurts to be the one that you'd regret. I have to say that I am proud to know ya, and I'll never be the same because we met. You might not miss this, but I will"


Again Today - Miss Maris - The day we walked along the Riverton section of the Jordan River Parkway we were talking about Jared, and the things that were bothering you. While you were on the phone with him, this song came on my Ipod, and it made me laugh. You were my first friend when I moved to So Jo, and after everything, you're still my friend now. I'm really glad we have a bond that will stand the test of time. I know you and Jared will find a way to be happy, and work through the difficult times ahead. I am happy you married a man that makes you feel as deeply as he does, both the hurt and the happy. It's good that you feel. "Broken stick and broken stones all turn to dust just like our bones, it's words that hurt the most, now isn't it. Are you sad inside, are you home alone? If I could just pick up the phone, maybe you could see a better day, under my watchful eye. Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness. Who's gonna break my fall, when the spinning starts, and the colors bleed together and fade. Was it ever there at all, or have I lost my way? The path of least of resistance is catching up with me again today. I'm broken down, not good enough. The broken promises add up to twice their weight in tears which I have caused. "


My Song - Tasha Kay - Hahaha! You know why this song reminds me of you... Driving around Provo and both of us thinking we were bad ass... How many conversations have we had that are "Well if I could say this to this person -- I soooo would!" Oh Tasha... if they only knew what words we were screaming in our heads! "Here I am, I'm so young! I know I've been bitter, I've been jaded, and alone. Every day I bite my tongue, if you only knew my mind was only full of razors that would cut you like a knife if only sung... and this is my song. I live every day like there'll never be a last day until they're gone, and they're gone... And I'm too proud to beg for your attention and your friendship and your time, so you can come and get it from now on!"


Hiding My Heart - Amber Marie - When I first met you Amber you were trying to figure out how to deal with the death of your special someone and I couldn't imagine myself ever going through that. You are truly one of the strongest people I know. "This is how the story went, I met someone by accident, that blew me away. That blew me away. And it was in the darkest of my days that you took my sorrow and you took my pain and buried them away, you buried them away. I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done, and wake up to your face against the morning sun, but like everything I've ever known, you disappeared one day. So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away."


Looking Out -Victoria Lastoria - This song was in my head the night you called me crying, after one of the worst fights you and Amber had. I remember you were packing while you were talking with me, getting ready to go to your dad's house. And look at you now, you have the man you are going to marry. You are happy, and almost Amber free! ;)  "I know the darkness pulls on you, but it's just a point of view. And when you're outside looking in, you belong to someone. And when you feel like giving in, or the coming of the end. Like your heart could break in two. Someone loves you! I am afraid of crossing lines. I am afraid of flying blind. Afraid of inquiring minds. Afraid of being left behind. I close my eyes I think of you. I take a step I think of you. I catch my breath I think of you. I cannot rest I think of you. My one and only wrecking ball, oh you're crashing through my wall. When you're outside looking in, someone loves you."


Hallelujah - Me. This is my song. It's only when I heard Brandi sing this cover that I really listened to the words, and I'll never ever forget them. Every time I hear the line Love is not a victory march, it's a cold, and it's a broken Hallelujah -- I remember, it is a constant fight to love someone. It requires being selfless, and sometimes it means you take the higher ground and you bite your words. You take your pride and you sit on it! Love is amazing, and pure, and good, and it makes you stronger when you find that person to love you back, but you have to remember -- it isn't just about you, it's about the we, us, and our. This song reminds me of that. "Your faith was strong, but you needed proof. You saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight over through ya. She tied you to her kitchen chair, she broke your thrown and she cut your hair. And from your lips she drew a Hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah... Well darling I've been here before. I've seen this room I have walk this floor. You know I used to live alone before I knew ya. I've seen your flag on the marble arts, and love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah... There was a time you let me know what's really going on below, but now you never show that to me do ya... Remember when I moved in you, the holy dove was moving too and every breath was hallelujah. It was Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah... Hallelujah. So maybe there's a God above, but all I ever learned from love is how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya. It's not a cry that you hear in the night. It's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and It's a broken Hallelujah. It was Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah... Hallelujah."

Call Me Happy Endings, but This Ain't Goodbye...

I honestly don't know how he does it. His birthday is in 3 days, and I will most likely wish him a happy one.  There will be things that will forever and ever remind me of him, and they will probably always make me smile. I've tried hating him. I've tried being apathetic towards him. I've tried erasing, ignoring, avoiding, and forgetting. It just doesn't work. I don't know how he does it, but I can't. I will forever think of and consider him a friend. I've forgiven the pain, and mistreatment. I forgave that a long time ago. I don't understand how he seems able to simply displace, and brush off the years, time, and experiences we went through together, but I can't. And I no longer want to. I have just accepted I will always love him as a friend, and as a part of my past. He will and should do as he pleases, but as for me... this is where I stand. This, it seems, is what my heart wants.



Call Me - Shinedown

Happy Endings - Mika

This Ain't Goodbye - Train